Please tell me what you think of this opening text. Each panel will have an image with it, I'll have the rough drawings up in about a week if anyone is interested.
Page 1 - Prologue
Panel 1
Welcome to Dyrge.
Panel 2
Though it is yet uncertain if Dyrge is a province, country, continent, or an entire planet: it is certain that it is a nearly barren wasteland.
Panel 3
No natural bodies of water have been discovered, on or below the surface.
Panel 4
The only moisture here can be found in the air and in the few wilted plants and cacti.
---
Page 2 - Prologue
Panel 1
Quite some time ago a woman foresaw a kingdom, in her mind
Critique my prologue?
-
VileTerror
- Anti-Villain
- Posts: 3437
- Joined: Wed Sep 17, 2003 11:16 am
- Location: n. 1 a place where something is located. 2 the action of location. - DERIVATIVES locational adj.
- Contact:
Critique my prologue?
Last edited by VileTerror on Mon Nov 03, 2003 2:40 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Haughty spirit and pride make for a wild roller coaster ride!
I mean, as long as you like fairly final endings.
I mean, as long as you like fairly final endings.
-
VileTerror
- Anti-Villain
- Posts: 3437
- Joined: Wed Sep 17, 2003 11:16 am
- Location: n. 1 a place where something is located. 2 the action of location. - DERIVATIVES locational adj.
- Contact:
Donuts? That's nice . . . and random. Good work.
I'll have the visuals up and online eventually.
I should be in bed right now . . . but . . . well . . . being a procrastinator doesn't automatically make me willing to sleep.
I should be in bed right now . . . but . . . well . . . being a procrastinator doesn't automatically make me willing to sleep.
Haughty spirit and pride make for a wild roller coaster ride!
I mean, as long as you like fairly final endings.
I mean, as long as you like fairly final endings.
It feels just a bit long. There are some parts, I bet with creative framing, where you can combine panels together.
By the way, it's "As per." Not "As par."
By the way, it's "As per." Not "As par."
Dragon Angel Tai - http://dragonangel.keenspace.com
-
VileTerror
- Anti-Villain
- Posts: 3437
- Joined: Wed Sep 17, 2003 11:16 am
- Location: n. 1 a place where something is located. 2 the action of location. - DERIVATIVES locational adj.
- Contact:
Ah.
Thanks.
I thought it felt a little off.
I thought it felt a little off.
Haughty spirit and pride make for a wild roller coaster ride!
I mean, as long as you like fairly final endings.
I mean, as long as you like fairly final endings.
-
Yeahduff
- Resident Stoic (Moderator)
- Posts: 9158
- Joined: Tue Aug 05, 2003 4:16 pm
- Location: I jumped into your grave and died.
- Contact:
To be incredibly nitpicky, it should be
Though it is yet uncertain if Dyrge is a province, country, continent, or an entire planet, it is certain that it is a nearly barren wasteland.
Colon doesn't work there. Not big, so ignore me if you feel like it.
But anyway, I got more interested as it went, so maybe getting right to it would be more effective. Start at page two instead, perhaps. Page one has information that helps get a feel of the place, but for an opening, it's not the attention grabber that it needs to be. We know less, but we're more intrigued. It worked for Shakespeare.
Though it is yet uncertain if Dyrge is a province, country, continent, or an entire planet, it is certain that it is a nearly barren wasteland.
Colon doesn't work there. Not big, so ignore me if you feel like it.
But anyway, I got more interested as it went, so maybe getting right to it would be more effective. Start at page two instead, perhaps. Page one has information that helps get a feel of the place, but for an opening, it's not the attention grabber that it needs to be. We know less, but we're more intrigued. It worked for Shakespeare.
I won't be the stars in your dark night.
-
Faub
- The Establishment (Moderator)
- Posts: 3698
- Joined: Tue May 20, 2003 2:53 pm
- Location: Missouri, USA
- Contact:
Okay, I'll throw in my 2 cents. My penny pig will be unhappy, but there you go.
The first page doesn't really grab the reader's attention. It would be better to start with the second and leave page 1 for the start of the actual storyline. The prologue is meant to grab the readers' attention. Page one doesn't do that.
The first page doesn't really grab the reader's attention. It would be better to start with the second and leave page 1 for the start of the actual storyline. The prologue is meant to grab the readers' attention. Page one doesn't do that.
-
VileTerror
- Anti-Villain
- Posts: 3437
- Joined: Wed Sep 17, 2003 11:16 am
- Location: n. 1 a place where something is located. 2 the action of location. - DERIVATIVES locational adj.
- Contact:
Thanks.
Faub always knows what to say . . . I think . . . maybe.
Perhaps.
Anyway: Thank you to both you and Yeah Duff (who seems fairly erudite too).
But as far as getting <i>rid</i> of page 1 . . . is that absolutely necessary? Might it fit better elsewhere? Might there be a way to make geography interesting? It's an important fact about Dyrge since a few minor plots will be somewhat based around it.
Perhaps.
Anyway: Thank you to both you and Yeah Duff (who seems fairly erudite too).
But as far as getting <i>rid</i> of page 1 . . . is that absolutely necessary? Might it fit better elsewhere? Might there be a way to make geography interesting? It's an important fact about Dyrge since a few minor plots will be somewhat based around it.
Haughty spirit and pride make for a wild roller coaster ride!
I mean, as long as you like fairly final endings.
I mean, as long as you like fairly final endings.
-
Faub
- The Establishment (Moderator)
- Posts: 3698
- Joined: Tue May 20, 2003 2:53 pm
- Location: Missouri, USA
- Contact:
Page 1 is fine. It should be the first page AFTER the prologue, though. The readers have then been introduced to the story and you can step back and introduce them to the world. You could even go into some of the factions involved and some of the reasoning behind that, the political landscape. Suuni vrs. Shiite, that type of thing.
-
VileTerror
- Anti-Villain
- Posts: 3437
- Joined: Wed Sep 17, 2003 11:16 am
- Location: n. 1 a place where something is located. 2 the action of location. - DERIVATIVES locational adj.
- Contact:
Actually:
(Though I'm probably ruining interest, blah, blah, blah . . . anyway)
The story begins with Harem Lord as the only official ruler. I'm actually adapting my original story idea (which was meant to play out in my online role playing game) so that we can see the political changes and the on-set of war through the eyes of different love-smitten citizens/civilians.
Though thanks for the idea about moving page 1 of prologue to page 1 of story 1.
The story begins with Harem Lord as the only official ruler. I'm actually adapting my original story idea (which was meant to play out in my online role playing game) so that we can see the political changes and the on-set of war through the eyes of different love-smitten citizens/civilians.
Though thanks for the idea about moving page 1 of prologue to page 1 of story 1.
Haughty spirit and pride make for a wild roller coaster ride!
I mean, as long as you like fairly final endings.
I mean, as long as you like fairly final endings.
-
VileTerror
- Anti-Villain
- Posts: 3437
- Joined: Wed Sep 17, 2003 11:16 am
- Location: n. 1 a place where something is located. 2 the action of location. - DERIVATIVES locational adj.
- Contact:
Ah!
That also sounds quite valid. Thank you.
Perhaps I shall have to rethink this entire opening. Thanks to all of you who have been helpful.
Also: sorry about the lack of images. I'll try to et some samples up soon . . .
Perhaps I shall have to rethink this entire opening. Thanks to all of you who have been helpful.
Also: sorry about the lack of images. I'll try to et some samples up soon . . .
Haughty spirit and pride make for a wild roller coaster ride!
I mean, as long as you like fairly final endings.
I mean, as long as you like fairly final endings.
No.VileTerror wrote:Critique my prologue?
You are the Non. You must go now, and never return."
"1.Scan in high res 2.tweak with curves,levels or something to clean up the scan (or use channel mixer to remove blue pencil lines) 3.Add colour using a layer set to multiply. 4.Add wordbubbles and text as vector shapes. 5. Merge all layers. 6.resize to the web size. 7. Export/Save for Web" that's all I know about webcomicking.
"1.Scan in high res 2.tweak with curves,levels or something to clean up the scan (or use channel mixer to remove blue pencil lines) 3.Add colour using a layer set to multiply. 4.Add wordbubbles and text as vector shapes. 5. Merge all layers. 6.resize to the web size. 7. Export/Save for Web" that's all I know about webcomicking.
-
VileTerror
- Anti-Villain
- Posts: 3437
- Joined: Wed Sep 17, 2003 11:16 am
- Location: n. 1 a place where something is located. 2 the action of location. - DERIVATIVES locational adj.
- Contact:
GLEE!
You are <b>so</b> cute!
Haughty spirit and pride make for a wild roller coaster ride!
I mean, as long as you like fairly final endings.
I mean, as long as you like fairly final endings.
-
Taiwanimation
- Cartoon Hero
- Posts: 1078
- Joined: Fri Jan 01, 1999 4:00 pm
- Location: Fremont, CA
- Contact:
-
Ian the Scribe
- Regular Poster
- Posts: 63
- Joined: Mon Jul 28, 2003 8:02 pm
- Location: Victoria, B.C.
- Contact:
I like the prologue. I'd suggest being unorthodox and uploading the entire prologue as something the reader could go back and look over, and have the first page be your title -- the prologue reads well as a continuous thing, but I think it would drag and be off-putting if I had to read it one day at a time.
You might also want to make some of the language more intense, more immediate -- "This is Dyrge. There is no water."
Overall, though -- looks good. I'll be watching for more.
You might also want to make some of the language more intense, more immediate -- "This is Dyrge. There is no water."
Overall, though -- looks good. I'll be watching for more.
-
VileTerror
- Anti-Villain
- Posts: 3437
- Joined: Wed Sep 17, 2003 11:16 am
- Location: n. 1 a place where something is located. 2 the action of location. - DERIVATIVES locational adj.
- Contact:
Silly me!
I just remembered, I've uploaded some images already!
Right, well: they have nothing to do with the prologue and I drew them for something else, but they are Dyrge characters.
http://static.zed.cbc.ca/users/v/VileTe ... s/HoAn.JPG - original queen of Dyrge
http://static.zed.cbc.ca/users/v/VileTe ... s/HaLo.JPG - tyrannical queen of Dyrge
Right, well: they have nothing to do with the prologue and I drew them for something else, but they are Dyrge characters.
http://static.zed.cbc.ca/users/v/VileTe ... s/HoAn.JPG - original queen of Dyrge
http://static.zed.cbc.ca/users/v/VileTe ... s/HaLo.JPG - tyrannical queen of Dyrge
Haughty spirit and pride make for a wild roller coaster ride!
I mean, as long as you like fairly final endings.
I mean, as long as you like fairly final endings.
-
VileTerror
- Anti-Villain
- Posts: 3437
- Joined: Wed Sep 17, 2003 11:16 am
- Location: n. 1 a place where something is located. 2 the action of location. - DERIVATIVES locational adj.
- Contact:
Fuck!
First I have to figure out what I'm gonna do!
I honestly don't understand love and this whole comic is starting to feel more like an ordeal than . . . well, I Blame Danny has been great fun. But heck, it's worth it. I'm always up for experimentation.
I don't know when I'll be ready to start. All I've got is the basic plot of the overall story. The point of this comic is to avoid the big picture and focus on the people.
Actually, only a few days ago I came up with the four initial lover groups. 2 couples, 1 love triangle, and 1 wannabe Casanova. I'll see if I can write about them before carrying on.
Overall: could be a matter of weeks or months. I've also got exams to possibly worry about.
I honestly don't understand love and this whole comic is starting to feel more like an ordeal than . . . well, I Blame Danny has been great fun. But heck, it's worth it. I'm always up for experimentation.
I don't know when I'll be ready to start. All I've got is the basic plot of the overall story. The point of this comic is to avoid the big picture and focus on the people.
Actually, only a few days ago I came up with the four initial lover groups. 2 couples, 1 love triangle, and 1 wannabe Casanova. I'll see if I can write about them before carrying on.
Overall: could be a matter of weeks or months. I've also got exams to possibly worry about.
Haughty spirit and pride make for a wild roller coaster ride!
I mean, as long as you like fairly final endings.
I mean, as long as you like fairly final endings.
-
Ron, the mad one
- Regular Poster
- Posts: 116
- Joined: Sat Sep 20, 2003 11:28 am