I tried to kill myself today...

Michael Ezaiany · Post by **Michael Ezaiany** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 8:45 am

...for reason I don't wish to mention. I was standing on the bridge for a hour, deciding. I could almost hear all the painful things that people in my life said to me. I couldn't do it. I couldn't kill myself because I'm just a spineless coward. I always was a coward. I will always be a spineless pathetic little coward. I hate myself. I hate myself for what I am. I hate myself.

Max Damage · Post by **Max Damage** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 9:05 am

Don't you DARE say stuff like that! Okay, I'm the n00b here, but from what I've seen, you're one of the best people here.

You're not a coward because you couldn't do it - you're strong because you couldn't. It takes a special kind of despair to even half-attempt suicide, and the fact that you managed to keep your wits about you shows that you have the will to go on.

Cmon - look, if you really are that depressed, then tell someone why - possibly even tell us. It's not much, but somebody might be able to help - don't give up hope. Ever.

DeByrus · Post by **DeByrus** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 9:05 am

Umm........you okay?

I'm hoping this is just some kind of cryptic anagram to something else.

Max Damage · Post by **Max Damage** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 9:07 am

Waitasec...

This could possibly be a joke.

It's his 666th post.

Ah well - my words still stand to anyone seriously in this situation, and I've seen it more than a few times.

_________________
We may be pirates, but we're not barbarians. We'll let them keep the toilet paper.
- Tiesel Bonne, Megaman Legends.

[ This Message was edited by: Max Damage on 2002-04-10 10:08 ]

Krikkit · Post by **Krikkit** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 9:07 am

Hang in there, Michael, we know you're extremely sensitive to bad things..most of us are too, thats the thing about furry- almost all of us have teh exact same emotional vulnerability.
I made it, we made it, you'll make it too, and theres good things around every corner.
Gimme a email, huh?
jbohnert@uiuc.edu

Michael Ezaiany · Post by **Michael Ezaiany** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 9:11 am

Talking can't help me. It never did me any help. And it's not a joke. That 666th post is just a coincidence. I'm feeling very low. It makes me think that I've hit the bottom. I went through my life and realiazed that I'm of no use. I'm not even worth to live and the worst thing is that I'm not even brave enough to escape from the misery.

Mr. HappyPants · Post by **Mr. HappyPants** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 9:12 am

I had a freind commit suicide a couple years ago, I haven't gotten over it, and likely never will.
He was a good person, a compassionate person, and in my judgement, an honerable person, as I can guess you are.
Many people are sick and insecure, many people say horrible things, do horrible things, and you are not one of them, and for that, you are better than those who do.
You are not a coward, never say that, never think that, not taking a incredibly stupid irreversible action does not make you a coward.
Please try to understand that you can make your life better, you can do something important in your life, you are that type of person. You are not worthless, you are not weak, you are not sick, you will live, and things will improve, I've been through this myself.

[ This Message was edited by: Mr. HappyPants on 2002-04-10 10:17 ]

Arcaton · Post by **Arcaton** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 9:14 am

It's a trite saying, but tomorrow is another day.....
Hang in there Michael. See what happens next...it's always interesting.

El SillY · Post by **El SillY** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 9:14 am

Michael, look on the bright side, things can't be all bad can they? Think of all the stuff you'd miss (both bad and good) if you would have jumped of that bridge. Life ain't all happy (as I suspect you know), but with out the bad stuff you wouldn't appreciate the good would you?

And as Max said, you're not a coward for choosing to continue living, a choice like that takes guts, jumping of the bridge does not. And where would we be with out an official greeter?

_________________
I live in an old sock I do! It's a mighty fine sock, gots meself some windows you see! Radioactive farts, what an invention, in my days we had to eat garlic...

[ This Message was edited by: El SillY on 2002-04-10 10:14 ]

Michael Ezaiany · Post by **Michael Ezaiany** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 9:17 am

I AM a coward not just because I couldn't jump off that bridge. I was a coward all my life and I will be a coward until I die. When I was standing on that bridge, I realized that I'm too weak to even take control over my life.

DeByrus · Post by **DeByrus** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 9:19 am

Taking Arcaton's lead and editing out that which doesn't need to be up anymore.

We won't just let you go. And we're all willing to help. All you need to do is ask.
And I'll tell you what -- from what I've seen and done and have yet to do, no matter what exists beyond this world of ours, it can't measure up to the wonders and pleasures of this one.

[ This Message was edited by: DeByrus on 2002-04-10 10:21 ]

[ This Message was edited by: DeByrus on 2002-04-12 16:09 ]

Michael Ezaiany · Post by **Michael Ezaiany** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 9:23 am

I... don't know what to say. You all are kind to me, many of you know how I fell, some of you experienced such depression. But none of you can help me. Noone can.

DeByrus · Post by **DeByrus** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 9:27 am

Bullshit. We can and will see you through this, Michael. I'll spend all day here if I have to. Nothing that I was going to do today is more important than helping you. Please, stay with us.

Max Damage · Post by **Max Damage** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 9:32 am

If you really wanted to end it all, you wouldn't be telling any of us. Your urge to live on far outweighs your urge to end it all.

Cmon - talking can and will help. If you really believe there's nothing we can do, then there's nothing to lose by opening up a little, is there?

Dammit, I'm not letting ANYONE here kill themselves without at least some shred of a fight!

Arcaton · Post by **Arcaton** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 9:33 am

Michael, how do you define "coward"? It's cowards like us....yes I try not to get involved until events reach out and force me...that keep things peaceful. All my life I wanted to be able to settle things with a punch like the heroes I read about; to be able to quell people with a glare and that sort of crap. As I've got older I realise that you can't settle things with violence, it just generates more...
I believe we won't get more piled on us in this life than we can bear; when we need that extra it comes from somewhere, God knows where (perhaps) but it DOES come trust me on that. You have a place and a purpose in this life my friend and one day you'll find out or be shown that.....
Meanwhile remember one can always email via the forum and a trouble shared is a trouble divided and lessened.

Swiftfoxhound · Post by **Swiftfoxhound** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 9:34 am

Well if nobody on this form can help you then the only person who can help you is you! I know this wont help much but why not try to go to a doctor and ask for some help. Michel listen I have seen someone very close die right in front of me. I dont think I will ever forget how he was holding my hand in the hospital with the tears in his eyes.

I also had another freind who tried to commite suicede because his mother died. But he didnt and nether should you.
It's Important to remember that there are people who can help you man.

_________________
If you don't root for your team, THEN GET THE HELL OUT OF THE STADIUM.

[ This Message was edited by: swiftfoxhound on 2002-04-10 10:35 ]

Mr. HappyPants · Post by **Mr. HappyPants** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 9:35 am

On 2002-04-10 10:17, Michael Ezaiany wrote:
I AM a coward not just because I couldn't jump off that bridge. I was a coward all my life and I will be a coward until I die. When I was standing on that bridge, I realized that I'm too weak to even take control over my life.

You are not weak, trust me on that.

I've felt this way about myself, and I've gotten over it, as you will.
Two years ago, at age seventeen, my only true freind had committed suicide, parents were forcing me to take medication, and I was obese and suffering from tourrette's syndrome, I was looked at by my peers as a freak, I wanted to die, considered/tried several times to commit suicide.

Since then, I've gained control of my life, lost weight, determined whose judgement matters, and now I'm in college, with a social life. I'm engaged, at the top of quite a few of my courses, and I was elected editor of my college newpaper. My professors and quite afew of my fellow students respect me.
My live has improved drastically, as will yours.

[ This Message was edited by: Mr. HappyPants on 2002-04-10 10:41 ]

Krikkit · Post by **Krikkit** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 9:35 am

Its all good, Michael, believe me, even though things seem utterly fucked sometimes.
These things come and go..just this very weekend, I was reduced to crying in the middle of the street for an hour for -NO- reason beyond the fact that I felt absolutely horrid. Did anything specific cause me to feel this bad? No.
Its just the way I am..periodically, I feel like I am the lowest human being on the earth. But I've been through it enough to realize that its a trick, its something in that head of mine, I'm not really as bad as I feel during these times.
Search for that truth, man.
And always remember the pleasures that people can't take away, and that even you can't take away from yourself....like kittens.

[ This Message was edited by: krikkit on 2002-04-10 10:37 ]

Michael Ezaiany · Post by **Michael Ezaiany** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 9:37 am

Definition for 'coward' in my case : pathetic oversensitive child in a body of 17 years old looser that has no real life and no real friends that would understand why he overreacts to every problem he encounters.

Krikkit · Post by **Krikkit** » Wed Apr 10, 2002 9:39 am

Michael, do you realize that those are the developmental signs of genius as well?