Some old comedy rpg stuff, though you might like it :)

[OldSchooler]

YOU MIGHT BE A GAMER IF...

...loosing your dice bag would be a serious financial blow.

...you could paper you bathroom in character sheets.

...you could paper your bathroom in different versions of just ONE character.

...you are unable to walk past the latest TSR supplement without leafing
through it, even though you
know it's going to be bad.

...you have more entertaining "No-shit,-there-I-was-in-a-game" stories than
you do anecdotes
about your family.

...you talk about your characters as if they are real people.

...you alternate between referring to your characters in the first and the
third person.

... and none of your friends gets confused.

...you've ever spent a significant fraction of your life modifying game
rules that you didn't like... and,
as soon as the system worked to your satisfaction, discarded it.

...when someone says "The blue books," you don't automatically picture the
kind that they give you
during a college final exam.

...you worship idols of Gary Gygax in your basement.

...you burn Gary Gygax in effigy in your back yard.

...you will not buy comic books with the Dragon Strike (tm) logo on the back.

...you've ever seen the old AD&D tv series.

...you're still reading this list.

...you hang out with people you actively dislike because they give good
role- play.

...you've ever gotten into a screaming match over something that happened in
a game... (You are so
dead! I am not dead!)

...you've ever neglected to buy the new edition of your favourite game
because you already have
three.

...you have more than one photocopied bootleg of a gaming text.

...you keep old characters around just in case someone might run that system
again. (Never mind
that its TS: SI)

...You knew what I meant when I said TS:SI.

...you have a PhD in manipulating point systems to the best effect, even
though you failed high
school geometry.

..you can consume your body weight in junk food in one gaming session.

...you consider Altoids, Salt-&-Vinegar chips, and blue Teeni Hugs a
balanced diet. (or even an
acceptable combination.)

...you have been known to drive to far away places where you paid enormous
amounts of money
for the privelege of sleeping on floors, eating crap, buying little pewter
statues of Gandalf, and
meeting dozens of psychopathic members of the alternate (or similar) sex who
will follow you
around for months, merely for the pleasure of playing with gamers you don't
know.

...and then signed up en masse with all of you friends to play in games with
game masters who
you've known since high school.

...you own your own weight in gaming books.

...the owners of local hobby stores take your checks without ID because they
know where you live.

...you can do AD&D money conversions in your head.

...you could wallpaper you bedroom in Dragon Mirths (tm).

...you consider the demise of "What's New With Phil & Dixie" a blow to great
literature.

...you consider the resurrection of "What's New With Phis & Dixie" the
redeeming feature of Magic:
The Gathering.

...you consider the 20th century a state of mind.

...you have a random NPC generator, written in BASIC, designed to run on the
Trash-80 or the
Commodore 64.

...you've ever designed your own character sheets.

...you can be more that three NPCs at the same time without generating more
than reasonable
confusion in your players.

...you have ever played a Dwarven character who did not have "axe" or
"beard" ANYWHERE in
his or her name.

...you know how to sex dwarves. (chromosome typing- required a blood sample.
I'M not getting
it...)

...you've ever tried to explain gaming to a school counselor, parent, or
other PW/OC (Person
With/Out Clue).

...you've suceeded.

...you've played Talisman more than once.

...you've finished a game of Talisman.

...more than once.

...you're STILL reading this list.

...you can quote extensively from the Wandering Damage Tables.

...you've mistaken a d12 or a double d10 for a d20 while playing AD&D and
had a THAC0 low
enough to hit the 8HD monster, anyway...

...you understood that.

...you carry AD&D insurance.

...your AC is so low that even you can't hit yourself.

...an 87 point Balrog is no big thrill anymore.

... you bring your dicebag even to diceless roleplaying events.

...you've ever discovered, after gaming with your significant other, that
you like their character better
than you do them.

...you have friends or acquaintances who regularly refer to you as "Og." (Or
something similar.)

...you've ceased responding to your birth name.

...you spend more money on dice than on food.

...you sometimes forget what century this is.

...your first response to any frustrating situation is, "I bash it with my
axe."

...you know a lot of gaming jokes that used to be funny once.

...your friend(s) who does not game feels very left out of all of your
conversations.

...you have more gaming books than the local hobby store.

...you've discovered that spare dice make good beanbag filler.

...you knew that that last question was a ringer: who has more dice than
they can use?

... you have a copy of "Dark Dungeons" kicking around somewhere because a:
you thought it was
funny b: your parents got concerned that you were living in a fantasy realm.

...you're sortof dissapointed that you haven't reached the level where they
start teaching you the real
spells (as described in the above "Dark Dungeons" pamphlet) yet: You're sure
you must be a high
enough level.

...you've been gaming for more than half of your life.

...you still laugh when someone says "Hey, Dave, I think the barbarian in
the corner wants another
beer."

...the phrase "Collect Call of Cthulhu" brings back fond memories.

...you can quote the whole "Trolls! Mutants! Trolls! Mutants!" strip from
"what's New With Phil &
Dixie."

...you knew a female gamer once.

...you were a female gamer once.

...you tend to play characters as different from you in race, religion, sex,
sexual orientation, and
what have you as possible, just to confuse your friends.

...(For New Englanders only) You were able to find stuff at "Flock, Stock,
and Barrel."

...you've been known to have in-depth conversations about the relative
merits of Champions, V&V,
Marvel, and DC heroes... ignoring the fact that all superhero systems are
intrinsically sucky.

...you like one of the above systems enough that you yelped when I called
them all, "sucky."

...you've thought of four or five additions to this list.

...you actually bought TSR's "Dungeoneer's Survival Guide" when it first
came out.

...you've ever tried to discover the strengths and weaknesses of a
haemophiliac werewolf.

...someone is attempting to explain the floorplan of a building to you and
you immediately start
thinking in terms of 10X10 squares.

...or 6'x6' hexes.

[OldSchooler]

"Ring Their Bells, or, The Munchkin's Carol"
by the Sea Wasp
(to the tune of Jingle Bells)


Slashing through the Orcs
With a good two-handed blade
Over corpses we go
And through the gore we wade
Mace on helmet rings
Making bodies fly
What fun to sing our SLAYING song
And watch these suckers die!

Chorus:
Oh, ring their bells with swords and spells
Don't let 'em get away!
We're brave and bold for fame and gold
We'll make a lot today!
Oh, ring their bells with swords and spells
Don't let 'em get away!
We'll hack and slash and blast and trash
And blow these dudes away!

Crashing through the door
Into the dragon's nose
Our mage whips out a Cone of Cold
And out its fire goes!
Elven bowstrings sing
Making balrogs fall
And our thief finds a secret door
Into the treasure hall!

(chorus)

Then appears the Lich
With his demon guard
Our wizard yawns and wishes
We'd run into something HARD...
He begins to cast
His 19th level spell
That damn Lich throws a Gate at us
And drops us all in Hell!

(Chorus)

We appear in Hell
In front of Satan's Throne
Our cleric waves us out the door
And takes him on alone!
Satan's legions don't
Want to let us go
Our Techno pulls a bazooka out
And NUKES 'em 'til they GLOW!

Oh, ring their bells with prayers and spells
Don't let 'em get away!
We're brave and bold and CRAZED, we're told
To think we'll live the day!
Oh, ring their bells with swords and shells
Don't let 'em get away!
We'll hack and slash and blast and trash
And blow these dudes away!
Yes, we'll hack and slash and blast and trash
And drag our loot away!!


Sea Wasp
/^\

[OldSchooler]

1. Micromanagment of specs leads to megalomaniac tools and munchkinism.
2. Excessive detail in examples does not grant simplicity in game theory.
3. The end of the world extends just a bit further into new adventures whenever book sales start to drop.
4. Munchkinism is contagious.
5. The more I deal with my game master, the more I understand terrorism.
6. A 500 credit weapon jams for one turn when you roll a one. The 50,000 credit weapon that you saved for, for a year explodes.
7. The adult great-horned dragon that nearly killed the entire party just gave all of his wealth to charity.
8. The Coalition will NOT reward you for returning that lost Mark V APC full of dead soldiers.
9. The unidentified magic item will be exactly what you need, but you will be afraid to use it.
10. The identified magic item will be absolutely useless, or only have one charge left.
11. If you try using an unidentified magic object, it will do the exact opposite of what you need.
12. The alien gun you are trying to use for the first time is pointed the wrong way.
13. Never press anything that says "PUSH".
14. Your 15th level locksmith will fail his roll to pick the only lock you've found in the entire campaign.
15. The hold-out laser pistol you were saving for backup will be empty.
16. The town full of friendly, charming people has an alien intelligence underneath it.
17. There is no such thing as too much recon.
18. There is no such thing as being too quiet.
19. The one important fact will be the one the GM forgot to give you.
20. Munchkins are great to hide behind.
21. That worthless, rusty sword you left behind was a disguised Sword of Atlantis.
22. That worthless, rusty sword you brought along, just in case, is really a worthless, rusty sword.
23. If you are the GM, the players will perform one simple action and ruin the adventure you spent months to complete.
24. The NPC you spent the longest time creating will be the first to die.
25. The nasty trap you set between the characters and the treasure will be nullified when the characters can't even find the dungeon.
26. The one day that you get off to play will be the one day everyone else has to work.
27. Corollary: If you're the GM, the one day everyone else gets off to play, you'll have to work.
28. The PBEM game you spent weeks creating a character for will be canceled by the GM.
29. You will be forced to cancel the PBEM game you finally started when you break your hand.
30. As soon as you find a good role-playing group in your city, you will move to another state.
31. The only role-playing shop within a hundred miles is out of the one book you need.
32. The only role-playing shop within TWO-hundred miles will go out of business.
33. The Coalition is a LOT bigger than you are.
34. If the Coalition ISN'T bigger than you are, you have a problem.
35. The rift you step through won't be the one you want.
36. 1st Law of Fighting: Picking a fight with the Coalition is a bad idea.
37. 2nd Law of Fighting: Picking a fight with Naruni Enterprises is a worse one.
38. The huge, ugly, evil-looking monster you just destroyed was on your side.
39. 1st Corollary: The bigger, uglier one you just ran into isn't.
40. Amendment to the 1st Corollary: Neither is the cute little child with god-like powers.
41. The mercenary army you join will always assign you to the most dangerous missions.
42. The deserted town you walk through really isn't.
43. The town you think is full of vampires really is.
44. If collecting your bounty depends on returning with the monster's head, the head will be vaporized in the fire-fight.
45. If collecting the bounty simply requires you to kill the monster, another monster will kill the person who hired you before you get paid.
46. The tougher you are, the tougher the monster's the GM throws at you.
47. The other PC's will not appreciate your "surprise" plan.
48. The romantic interest you character develops is really an evil alien intelligence bent on destroying all other intelligent life.
49. There is no such thing as too much firepower.
50. Missiles can only be fired once. Built-in energy weapons can be fired until you're dead.
51. You will roll a 1 trying to dodge a natural 20.
52. You will roll a natural 20 trying to dodge the 1 that the GM was hiding from you.
53. You will run out of rations whenever the GM feels like it.
54. The person assigned to bring the pizza will be sick and unable to play.
55. Corollary: If no one is assigned to bring pizza, everyone will.
56. You will never win a fire fight with a Naruni repo man.
57. You won't be able to outrun him for long, either.
58. Never, EVER call anything ugly.
59. The higher the bounty on a criminal, the more body guards they'll have.
60. Just because there are no rules for it doesn't mean it can't be done
61. The GM knows exactly when your guard falls asleep.
62. The bigger the gun, the harder it is to aim.
63. The smaller the gun, the more your enemies will laugh.
64. Replying "Yes" to most questions will get you attacked by half the bar.
65. Replying "No" to the same question will get you attacked by the other half.
66. The alley cat you just sacrificed for the PPE was a very irritable (and powerful) mage's familiar.
67. Enemies never run out of PPE, ISP, or expendable ammo.
68. Collorary : Some enemies never run out of MDC, either.
69. The little kid you turned your back on was an evil, polymorphed dragon.
70. The little kid you shot, wasn't.
71. The little kid you shot WAS the kid of someone important.
72. Like Emperor Prosek.
73. The average distance between party members is equal to the explosive area of the smallest missle it will take to kill the largest party member.
74. Collorary to Rule 20 : Or even better to step away from (gotta watch those area attacks).
75. 1st Law of Unindentified Objects : Never pick a fight with someone surrouded by Cosmo Knight Armor.
76. 2nd Law of Unidentified Objects : ESPECIALLY if you think they're not a Cosmo Knight.
77. No matter how munchkin you are, a good GM can top it.

[OldSchooler]

The top 10 reasons why Star Trek would Rule in the Star Wars universe

10. T.I.E. fighters are no match for the Jem Hadar.

9. Luke had to get angry and almost give into the dark side in order to defeat Vader, and he had
no hope of defeating the Emporer. Captain Picard would have lectured them both into
surrendering !

8. The Ferengi would cheat Jabba the Hutt right out of buisness !

7. The Imperial fleet putts along at light speed, The Enterprise zips around at 10 times light
speed !

6. The Borg would have a field day assimilating all those stormtroopers !

5. Luke, Vader, Yoda, nor anyone else can beam anywhere !

4. Spock could become a Jedi in just seconds by mind melding with Obi Wan !

3. Lwaxana Troi would nag Vader until he commited sucide !

2. The Doomsday Machine would swallow the Death Star !

1. Q could make the entire Galactic Empire disappear with just a snap of his fingers !


The top 10 reasons why Star Wars would Rule in the Star Trek universe

10. The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with a 6 story anti-matter chamber and a crew of 20 engineers to travel light speed. The Millenium Falcon goes light speed with just a Droid and a Wookie !

9. Harry Mudd would be Rancor food if he tried to muscle in on Jabba's turf !

8. The federation would have to try to liberate any ship named slave I

7. The Ion Cannon would blow the Enterprise right out of orbit !

6. Even an entire fleet of Klingon Battle Crusiers is no match for a single Star Destroyer !

5. Captian Picard pilots the Enterprise through asteroid fields at one quarter impulse, Han Solo floors it !

4. Luke is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he meets.

3. The Death Star doesn't care if a planet is class M or not !

2. Darth Vader would choke the entire Borg collective with a single glance !

1. One word - Lightsabers !

[OldSchooler]

Top Ten Signs that your GM is a PSYCHO



10. He has memorized the statistics for Splugorth Intelligences.

9. He sharpens the edges of his dice.

8. You see him flipping through SA 2 in the store, muttering, "Damn weaklings...I need a book with some TOUGH critters in it!"

7. He's a very big fan of live-action role playing. In fact, he often live-action role-plays his favorite character, a necromancer with a death fetish, in public places.

6. He often refers to the writing genius of Isaul Vargas.

5. Whenever a character dies, he pulls its miniature off of the table and decapitates it with a tiny guillotine.

4. At the beginning of every battle involving demons, he puts on the song Black Sabbath. If the fight involves robots, he puts on the song Iron Man instead.

3. Whenever the characters go into a dark room, he begins laughing maniacally.

2. If the characters do something which he didn't plan for, he flips through the rulebook, thinks real hard, and then brings in Great Cthulhu to punish them.

1. At the beginning of every game session, he demands that every player donates a dollar. If a player does not give the money, he marks the character sheet with an X in ram's blood.

[OldSchooler]

Favorite OCC or RCC:
Real Men: play Borgs, Power Armor Pilots, and Juicers
Real Role-players: play Rogue Scientists, City Rats and Cyber-Knights
Loonies: play Crazies and Shapers
Psychopaths: play Demons, Vampires, and Kreeghor
Munchkins: play whatever has the most MDC (usually an Apok/Juicer/Cosmo-Knight/Glitter Boy combination)


Favorite non-weapon skill:
Real Men: take boxing, for the extra attack
Real Role-players: take science or language skills
Loonies: take engineering and chemistry for their practical joke value
Psychopaths: take prowl, 'cuz, "It's more fun when they don't see it coming."
Munchkins: don't understand why skills not associated with weapons are important


Favorite weapon:
Real Men: use rail guns and missile launchers
Real Role-players: use long bows and neural maces
Loonies: use Nerf weapons
Psychopaths: use knives. VERY big knives.
Munchkins: use a mini-gun made out of six Boom Guns custom fit with ACME™ recoil suppressors


Favorite body armor:
Real Men: prefer power armor or exoskeletons
Real Role-players: wear Triax "plain clothes" armor
Loonies: wrap themselves in toilet paper
Psychopaths: wear Coalition armor, for the death's-head motif
Munchkins: wear the Invulnerable Coat of Arnd plus a never-needs recharging Naruni force field with 250,000 MDC


Favorite power armor:
Real Men: wear anything that gives them enough PS to carry around real weapons or has its own B.F.G.
Real Role-players: hide behind the Real Men
Loonies: use anything with reactive armor
Psychopaths: Super SAMAS (they're nicknamed Grinning Demons, they HAVE to be cool!)
Munchkins: don't use anything with under 1,000 MDC


Favorite robotic vehicle:
Real Men: prefer Coalition bots (for the look), or the Triax Devastator (for the firepower)
Real Role-players: prefer Behemoth explorers (with lots of space for keepsakes and research)
Loonies: still prefer anything with reactive armor
Psychopaths: Hellraisers, Hellraisers, Hellraisers!!!
Munchkins: use the Death Star


Favorite cyberware:
Real Men: like bionic limbs and/or bionic reconstruction
Real Role-players: choose fingerjacks or translators
Loonies: like plastic vampire teeth and fake blood
Psychopaths: love bionic blasters and vibro-blades
Munchkins: take what ever will give them the most MDC bonuses


When cornered in a fire fight:
Real Men: smile and keep on shooting
Real Role-players: negotiate with their attackers
Loonies: feign death
Psychopaths: charge their attackers, weapons blazing, shrieking obscenities and blasphemy.
Munchkins: rift in 50 adult dragons and hundred-handed


Find employment as:
Real Men: bodyguards and mercenaries
Real Role-players: spies and scholars
Loonies: head of Coalition-Atlantis relations office
Psychopaths: postal workers
Munchkins: depose Splynn and take over the Megaverse


Favorite place:
Real Men: Germany, for the constant battles
Real Role-players: Wormwood, for the new culture
Loonies: the bathtub, for undersea adventures
Psychopaths: anywhere with lots of "innocent bystanders."
Munchkins: like to go where they can get the most credits


Favorite things to do at a Millennium Tree:
Real Men: Wants to get every magic item the tree can make.
Real Role-players: Want to learn from the tree and will return all magic items to the tree.
Loonies: Tries to tap the tree to get maple syrup for his/her pancakes.
Psychopaths: Get themselves a ton of chemical defoliant, and spray it all over the place, laughing maniacally as the benevolent, magical, home to a thousand people begins to wilt and die.
Munchkins: Tries to get the G.M. to allow him/her to shrink the tree down to the size of a staff. With the ability to kill Gods, Alien/Vampire Intelligences with a single blow.


Favorite Spell:
Real Men: don't play spell casters, but like Superhuman Strength
Real Role-players: like anything associated with communication
Loonies: use Blinding Flash so as to conserve their camera batteries
Psychopaths: Agony and Life Drain, of course
Munchkins: wish there were as many spells as Dungeons and Dragons


Favorite psionic power:
Real Men: love Sixth Sense and Mind Block
Real Role-players: prefer Object Read and Empathy
Loonies: like Hydrokinesis so they can sense open water within a 20' radius
Psychopaths: enjoy Pyrokinesis and Bio-Manipulation
Munchkins: have them all at first level


When faced down by an adult dragon with force fields thick enough to bounce ping pong balls off of:
Real Men: Open up with full melee sprays until their weapon systems of their huge bot vehicles overheat
Real Role-Players: Summon an anti-magic cloud and go Heeh-heeh! Sorry about your life!
Loonies: Strike a bargain with the enemy
Psychopaths: Giggle and say, "Hey, you're pretty cool. Wanna go commit some atrocities together?"
Munchkins: Bring in the SDF 3 out of orbit, do a body-block ram that does 10d20 x 1000 MDC.


When faced by any frustrating situations:
Real Men: Bash it with their vibro-axe
Real Role-Players: Check their skill sheets for anything which might have the slightest value in that situation.
Loonies: Bash it with their rubber chicken.
Psychopaths: Walk away and find a small, furry animal (for reasons better left unsaid)
Munchkins: Bash it with their greatest rune sword before starting a running fire fight with the other PCs out of boredom


When the character is out of ammo and in a town:
Real Men: Tromp into the nearest pub, pull out a gun and yell at the top of their lungs "WHERE THE HELL'S A WEAPONS DEALER! IF I DON'T FIND OUT I'LL PLUG SOMEBODY!"
Real Role-players: Roll on their streetwise skill, and ask the GM what's available.
Loonies: Screw the town, go into a forest, find a rubber tree, and make bullets out of THAT! (Even for Energy Weapons).
Psychopaths: Kill the Town mayor and steal his ammo.
Munchkins: Ammo? What's ammo?


When Trying to extend their rations:
Real Men:steal from the real Role Players
Real Role players: Use Resist hunger Psionic power
Loonies:Steal from the real Men
Alt: Loonies: Chase after butterflies and eat dandelions.
Psychopath:kill thier "comrades" and use them and thier rations for food"
Munchkin:"Extend my Rations? you mean they're suppost to go down, as in lose food?"


When the rations finally do run out:
Real Men: Aren't phased, they've already killed half the deer in the state just because they think hunting is macho, so they aren't going to starve for a long time.
Real Roleplayers: Start using their knowledge of the woodlands to live of the land without exhausting the surrounding eco-system.
Loonies: Don't see the problem, as it's a proven scientific fact that mud and butterfies are good for you.
Psycopaths: Are really in a bind, because this means that they've eaten everyone else and no longer have any human shields.
Munchkins: Realise that the GM is actually keeping track of how much their character ate, and claim that they purchased two years worth of rations back in Chi-Town.


Favorite food:
Real men: MEAT, a 12 lbs worth of steak for an appatiser
Real Role Players: All foods but tends to eat more healthy and less sugar
Loonies:Twinkies and SPAM!
Psychopaths:other PCs
Munchkins:Really doesn't eat but if he would, it'll have to be the powers of the G.M.


Favorite musical instrument:
Real men: guitars or anything else that makes them look macho
Real role players: violins and other classical instruments
Loonies: enjoy eye flutes
Psychopaths: novelty dart guns built into flutes
Munchkins: TRUMPET of ODIN


When Signing up to Join the CS Army:
Real Men: Sign up as grunts and robot pilots, for the combat.
Real Role-Players: Sign up as RCSG scientists, in order to learn about new and different life-forms.
Real Loonies: Claim to be the long-lost Prosek brother, and demand to be made heir to the throne.
Real Psychopaths: Sign up specifically for the "helpless D-Bee extermination" unit, for fun and profit.
Real Munchkins: Use their magical crown of psychic enslavement to take control of the entire city of Chi-Town, and use the entire Coalition army to invade and conquer other dimensions.


When At the Local Magic Shoppe:
Real Men: Ask where they keep the TW Laser Rifles and TW grenades.
Real Role-Players: Ask where they could find a well-learned wizard to help them decipher an ancient scroll they found during their travels.
Real Loonies: Distract the proprietor, then eat all the Faerie Food.
Real Psychopaths: They also look for Faerie Food. Not food made by Faeries, but actual, chocolate dipped, pixies.
Real Munchkins: Look at the rune swords on display, scoff, and say, "How mundane."


When Escaping From the Atlantean Arena:
Real Men: Knock out a Kittani guard, then grab his guns and shoot his way out of captivity.
Real Role-Players: Make an incredibly complex plan to escape, tunneling into water and sewage lines, and then crawling to freedom.
Real Loonies: Demand a transfer to the "Meat Department."
Real Psychopaths: Perform such brutal atrocities in the ring that even the Splugorth are disgusted. Despite their wishes to stay, the Splugorth kick them out of the arena.
Real Munchkins: Demand to fight Splynncryth himself, knowing that they can easily kill him and take his throne.


When on Wormwood:
Real Men: Join the Knights of the Hospitalers in the battle against the evil minions of the Unholy.
Real Role-Players: Befriend Wormspeakers or Priests of Light, and follow these beings around in order to gain more insight into the nature of Wormwood.
Real Loonies: Run around the streets of Cathedral in a monster costume, yelling, "I'm the Unholy! I'm the Unholy! Booga booga boo!"
Real Psychopaths: Visit the Unholy, and take detailed notes on his style.
Real Munchkins: Strike the surface of the Living Planet with their incredible rune sword of ultra-soul drinking, killing Wormwood with one blow.


When questioning a prisoner or suspect:
Real Men: Remind them that they know where they live, they've been watching and if they spill the beans now they can avoid trouble later.
Real Role-Players: Have a quiet non-threatening mono a mono discussion with them listening to all their stories about their traumatic childhood whilst scanning them with empathy.
Loonies: Lock themselves in a padded room with the suspect bringing only a feather and a wet towel.
Psychopaths: Tie the suspect down onto a table under a heat lamp and start peeling skin off one layer at a time while asking questions slowly in a whisper.
Munchkins: Cut the suspects head off with their Reflex-Sword and put it through their Brain-Scanner 2000.


When they find an explosive in the city:
Real Men: grab it shove it in there roket launcher and watch it fly away.
Real Role-Players: miticulusly take the bomb apart piece by piece.
Loonies: take out the knife and fork and get to work.
Psychopaths: don't care because they planted it.
Munchkins: do the same as loonies(minuse the knife and fork) and not only demand that it counts as there meal but that they get self sacrifice and whine when they don't get there 500-700 experiance.


The Bar Room additions

When a fight in a bar breaks out:
Real Men: Grab a chair and get to work
Real Role-Players:Use the distraction to slip into the back room and discover the drug ring ran by the barman
Loonies: Leap behind the bar to better protect the sweet, nourishing beer. From this defensible position they start making eyes at the barmen.
Psychopaths:Pull out the vibro-knives and get to work
Munchkins:Remind the GM that they're still wearing their Glitter Boy, then whip out the six-boom-gun minigun and get to work.


At the card table:
Real Men: Play to win, drink hard, and inevitably start a brawl when they accuse someone of cheating.
Real Role-Players: Make a killing with their gambling skills, before inevitably starting a brawl when accused of cheating.
Loonies: Inevitably start a brawl when they suggest a game of strip poker and try to take off half of everyone's clothes to up the stakes.
Psychopaths: Play cards to try and look like real people before inevitably starting a brawl when the guy sitting next to them mysteriously gets a knife in the guts.
Munchkins: Only play if the GM stuffed up and made ridiculously easy odds on the card table before inevitably starting a brawl when accused of blocking the entrance with their SDF-1


Ordering drinks:
Real Men: Cold beer and hard spirits, straight up.
Real Role-Players: Have already picked a favorite drink, typically a hard to make cocktail. They will inevitably ask for an experience bonus for their excellent playing in character.
Loonies: a bottle of vodka to start things off, served out of a novelty beer-holder hat. After one sip, they will DEMAND to have drunk penalties applied, and begin to crack on to bikers.
Psychopaths: Aren't drinking tonight because they poisoned the beer.
Munchkins: Whatever it is, they will NEVER accept drunk penalties, nor will they deduct any cash from their total to pay for it.


When the cops show up with guns blazing:
Real Men: Dive behind the bar, collapsing the far wall with their grenade launcher.
Real Role-Players: Use Simple Invisibility to escape unnoticed, returning later to rescue his companions with a MacGyver style jury rigged contraption which took five minutes to build using his incredible arsenal of skills.
Loonies: Leap on a table and do a five minute freestyle rap about how police are destroying the soul of the black man.
Psychopaths: Don't really care, as the excellently timed fire in the nearby hospital will distract the cops long enough to stab his companions in the backs and escape.
Munchkins: Don't really care. Their "Amulet of Ridiculously powerful force fields" should be able to stop anything smaller than a large planetoid.


When the barman starts talking about recent events:
Real Men: Go off and either play cards or punch someone out. They know the Roleplayer will deal with this one.
Real Role-Players: will take longhand notes of everything said, and do a key word search on the database of barman gossip they've already accumulated.
Loonies: Put a table cloth over the barman's head and begin an impromptu session of Dutch Ovens, accompanied by an identical Dutch Oven attack against the GM.
Psychopaths: Pay close attention to the information on slaver activity. He's thinking about knocking off a certain preschool, but needs a bit of extra manpower to do a proper job.
Munchkins: Get bored of this non combat activity. While no one else is watching, they add a few points to all their attributes and an extra zero on their cash total.


Real Men Hit Chi-Town

In the Burbs:
Real Men Visit their Black Market contact and get a bigger gun.
Real Role-Players: Visit the local bars and inns to ply the workers for information or teach a small D-Bee child how to read.
Loonies: Frolic through the streets, singing a lounge lizard adaptation of the theme song to "Friends." After this, they'll walk behind people muttering loudly to no one in particular.
Psychopaths: Send fake orders to Dog Boy squads and watch while large sections of the town are razed.
Munchkins: Start fights.


At the City Gate:
Real Men; Glare at the gaurds as they turn over their weapon belts.
Real Role-Players: Get through without a hitch, even with psi-powers and magic, thanks to creative use of skills and cunning.
Loonies: Ask the Dog Boys if they could spare any Kibbles 'n Bits.
Psychopaths: Pull out a fur rug and ask the Dog Boys if it looks familiar.
Munchkins: Walk up to the gates and start shooting the instant they see Dead Boy armor.


While shopping:
Real Men: Buy weapons and survival equipment from legit (and not so legit) dealers.
Real Role-Players: Buy illegal chemistry and physics textbooks, through the Black Market.
Loonies: Rubber chickens, rubber chickens, rubber chickens! Rubber chickens and dog vomit. Rubber chickens, dog vomit, and whatever the person in front of them in line is getting.
Psychopaths: Buy a number of innocent looking household and garden implements, particularly aerosol cleaners and knife sharpeners.
Munchkins: Don't understand why you have to go to stores to buy things.


When they finally get access to the main computer net:
Real Men: Implant a virus that destroyes the CS military communications network.
Real Role-Players: Implant a trojan horse that copies all information out of all databases, then gives the information away to the resistance group they met in the Burbs.
Loonies: Implant a virus that causes all Skelebots and other unmanned robots to start performing the mime interpretation of the Macarana.
Psychopaths: Implant a virus that introduces select changes into the Chi-Town environmental systems, such as zero oxygen or 100% oxygen.
Munchkins: Get mad at the GM because they forgot to take Computer Operations skill.


When they finally get access to the Chi-Town Library:
Real Men: Immediately seek out Sun-Tzu's The Art of War.
Real Role-Players Immediately seek out The Oddessy.
Loonies: Immediately seek out all copies of back episodes of Red Dwarf, MST3K, and Monty Python's Flying Circus.
Psychopaths: Whip out a flamethrower and go to town.
Munchkins: Get mad at the GM because they forgot to take Literacy skill.


When they finally get an audiance with the Proseks:
Real Men: Exact cold vengence.
Real Role-Players Do the same thing as Real Men, but in such a way that doesn't get them and their group killed, usually involving of physics and chemistry.
Loonies: Ask if they really can cure personality disorders, and if any of the local doctors will prescribe them. ("I swear that e looked like an a...")
Psychopaths: Rat out the resistance group that the Real Role Player gave the CS Computer Net information to.
Munchkins: Absorb them into the Collective.


After being arrested by the ISS:
Real Men: Plan a daring escape, using high explosives as a diversion.
Real Role-Players Demand to play out the entire trial sequence.
Loonies: Ask if they can call their Psychic Friend.
Psychopaths: Get into the woodshop activity group.
Munchkins: Don't get arrested, since they can kill everyone in Chi-Town.

[Dinky]

1 That ALL made sense.
2 It was amusing.
3 I'm old enough to remember D&D 1st ED
4 Smug players DESERVE to confront the Penguin nighted abyss
5 Hammer Horror films are plot devices
6 Tuna fish sandwiches
7 The second D&D movie did not REPEAT DID NOT suck (as much)
8 Harrison Ford is Deckard
9 Parinoia is a game not a crippling psychological condition
10 One of everyones favorite characters is the very embodyment of munchkinism, no matter the system (TRUE)
11 You have played a system none of your friends have heard of

[Alina P]

12) You've played games that aren't even published yet.

I particularly liked the Rifts spin on those lists. For such a potentially-wacky game, there's not enough Rifts humor.

[OldSchooler]

Hehe one of my friends was a beta tester for the Battlestar Galactica RPG by Margret Wisse. Simular system to Serenity, I was playing in games in Galactica while is was being developed

P.S. I have a lot of old rifts humor if you want i can post it. just let me know

[Narf the Mouse]

My brain went 'Ack! too much!'