Dear Dr. Laura

[Killbert-Robby]

For those of you who may not know, Dr. Laura is one of these super-conservative loudmouths we have in the media these days. After speaking out about gay people being an abomination, someone got a little peeved. Behold, as he sends a letter, to your one and only
Dr Laura

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24.. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

5. I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses.. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev.. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,

Jim

[MixedMyth]

Ha ha! Nice. Honestly, I didn't even know Dr Laura was still around. I mostly know of her through the parody of her in Sluggy Freelance. Says something about my pop culture awareness, I guess.

[[AlmightyPyro]]

Oh snap! That guy totally Old Testament'd her!

[Levi-chan]

I-I didn't say those things!

[Killbert-Robby]

Lev you hateful bastard

[Grabmygoblin]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xWqgD7lGneU

related

[KWill]

I'm a bit surprised that people haven't heard of this before. The first time I did was four years ago when I read a German translation of it on an outing with the Church group that paid for my year of social service...

[Killbert-Robby]

Yeah, I wiki'd it and apparently its not exactly recent, BUT, I tried it out on a test audience first, and it seems not a lot of people read it. Though most people who read it do enjoy it <_<

[KWill]

'Course. It's hilarious as heck. The bit about not wearing cotton-polyester blends comes right after "Love your neighbor as you love yourself", which is a fun thing to point to when people tell you picking and choosing from the bible is a bad thing.

[Tellurider]

I don't know man, I don't even know my neighbors and I do a lot of self loving.

interpret that how you wish.

[Killbert-Robby]

I don't know man, I don't even know my neighbors and I do a lot of self loving.

interpret that how you wish.

I think you know EXACTLY how I've interpreted that

[Dotty]

Pure comedy gold!

[McDuffies]

Reminds me of some arguements that I had... I used to run some teachings from new testament by some overzealous religious types, and they'd accuse me that I'm twisting Jesus' teachings.
And those were some very basic teachings. I mean, I'm not a theology scholar, but I'm pretty sure that when you say "love thy neighbour", that includes people of different race or sexual orientation.

Anyways I've always enjoyed Terry Jones' political writings.

[IVstudios]

As funny and clever as that letter is, it only serves to amuse those who already agree with it. Because we all know how apt fundamentalist are to change their mind about their deeply held beliefs when you throw their own words back in there face.

[Grabmygoblin]

I don't know man, I don't even know my neighbors and I do a lot of self loving.

interpret that how you wish.

I once got into an internet arguement with someone who got into a huff when I raised "Love your neighbor as yourself" because they thought it was a sexual phrase. fundies are fun sometimes.

As funny and clever as that letter is, it only serves to amuse those who already agree with it. Because we all know how apt fundamentalist are to change their mind about their deeply held beliefs when you throw their own words back in there face.

actually I've noted a growing shift in their arguments, now they say that the Old Testament is irrelevant and try to only use what little backing they have from the New.

[Linkara]

I don't know man, I don't even know my neighbors and I do a lot of self loving.

interpret that how you wish.

I once got into an internet arguement with someone who got into a huff when I raised "Love your neighbor as yourself" because they thought it was a sexual phrase. fundies are fun sometimes.

As funny and clever as that letter is, it only serves to amuse those who already agree with it. Because we all know how apt fundamentalist are to change their mind about their deeply held beliefs when you throw their own words back in there face.

actually I've noted a growing shift in their arguments, now they say that the Old Testament is irrelevant and try to only use what little backing they have from the New.

Indeed, though those of us who actually study the New Testament find that there's little support for any of the radical fundamentalists. Hell, most of the anti-homosexual references made in the Bible tend to actually be addressing not being a good neighbor (Sodom, for instance).

And yeah, I've seen it before. As a Christian, it's a reminder not to take the Bible at its literal word, especially when that literal word comes from a language that you relied on someone else to translate for. ^_~

[TheSuburbanLetdown]

I remember freshman year at catholic school, we were taught that the bible is a series of symbolic truths and are meant to be more of a guide, not something to be taken literally.

[Killbert-Robby]

I was a BIG Jesus freak as a kid, I know my bible inside out, but yeah, I rather think of it as a set of symbols and stories than an encyclopedia. One way, everyone can gain a lesson from it. The other.... is kinda hard for everyone to take seriously.

Of course I'm a dirty flip-flopper damned for hell anyway.

[CJBurgandy]

Old and not actually a letter she ever received. Sorry to burst the bubble.

[TRI]

Ha ha! Nice. Honestly, I didn't even know Dr Laura was still around. I mostly know of her through the parody of her in Sluggy Freelance. Says something about my pop culture awareness, I guess.

Well, I mostly know her from this song by The Prince Myshkins.