Laugh, damn you. -_-

[RevChris77]

Two nuns were in the convent when the Mother Superior came up to them and said, "I want you to paint this entire room, but you are not to spill any of the paint on your habits." The nuns decided the best way to do this was to take off their habits and paint in the nude.

In the middle of painting, they hear a knock on the door. "Who is it?", they asked.

"Blind Man" was the reply.

They figure, no harm in opening the door to a blind man. It's not like he was going to see them. So they open the door. The man says, "Nice boobs, where do you want these blinds???"

==-===-==-===-==-===-==-===-==-===-==-===-==

Dear Mom and Dad,

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down, okay?

Well, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and I now can see almost normally and I only get those sick headaches once a week.

Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump was witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm and he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't exactly set the date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me as a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection, which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests, and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am taking daily.

I know you will welcome him into the family with open arms. He is kind, and although not well educated, has ambitions. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know oft-expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good, too, for I hear that his father is an important gun-bearer in the village in Africa from which he comes.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire. I do not have a concussion or a skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engage, I do not have syphilis and there is no colored man in my life. However, I am getting a "D" in history and a "F" in science class and I wanted you to see these marks in their proper perspective.

Your loving daughter,

Mary

==-===-==-===-==-===-==-===-==-===-==-===-==

A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road when all of a sudden the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer after seeing what happened went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and then asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?" The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

[RevChris77]

A priest wanted to raise money for his church and being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter him in the races. However, at the local auction the going prices for horses was so steep that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise the donkey came in third. The next day the racing sheets carried this headline: Priest's Ass Shows.

The priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again, and this time it won. The paper said: Priest's Ass Out in Front.

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in another race. The newspaper printed this headline: Bishop Scratches Priest's Ass.

This was just too much for the bishop and he ordered the priest to get rid of the animal. The priest decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The headline the next next day read: Nun Has Best Ass In Town.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer who was willing to buy it for $10.00. The paper stated: Nun Peddles Ass For Ten Bucks.

They buried the bishop the next day.

[WangyJohn]

Nun Peddles Ass For Ten Bucks.

Made of win.

[Aeridus]

I like that one.

[RevChris77]

These two buddies are sitting at the bar in a singles' club and talking about another guy sitting at the other end of the bar.

"I don't get it," complained the first guy, "He's not good looking, he has absolutely no taste in clothes, and he drives a beat up wreck of a car, yet he always manages to go home with the most beautiful women here!"

"Yeah," replies his buddy, "He's not even a very good conversationalist, all he does is sit there and lick his eyebrows."

[RavenxDrake]

Janice was always complaining to her friends "I can never find a decent guy. All I want is to find a sensitive, caring person."

Out at the bar with her friends, a gentleman comes by and asks for her permission to buy her a drink. Intrigued by his consideration the two take a booth and begin talking, and he's simply the most wonderful, considerate person she's ever met. They talk for hours on end, and eventually go back to his place. They have a drink, and begin kissing. Janice asks him to take her to bed, and he literally carries her to his bedroom, where she gasps. Lineing the room, from top to bottom, are shelf after shelf of beautiful, hand-crafted stuffed animals. All along the bottom are tiny, hand sized bears. On higher shelves are larger bears and animals, and along the very topmost shelves are huge, pillow sized creatures of every shape and size. She's astounded, and she thinks to herself that she's finally found the most sensitive guy on the planet.

They make love slowly, wonderfully, exhausting themselves. Cuddling up beside him, Janice asks, "Was it good for you?"

"Pretty good," he replied with a smile, "Feel free to take a prize from any of the bottom shelves."

[Churba]

"He's not even a very good conversationalist, all he does is sit there and lick his eyebrows."

Then, he started a band, and called it kiss.....

[Aeridus]

Wow, that's a new one, Raven! So if she has sex with him 5 times, she can trade the smaller stuffed animals for a bigger one, right?

[RevChris77]

1. "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." -- Drew Carey.

2. "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, so have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." -- Jeff Foxworthy.

3. "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life -- without even considering if there is a man on base." -- Dave Barry.

4. "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and day before they leave you they should have to find you a temp." -- Bob Ettinger.

5. "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh." -- Conan O'Brien.

==-===-==-===-=-===-==-===-==

Sam & Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and Sam says to Becky "Becky, I was wondering... Have you ever cheated on me?"

Becky replies, "Oh Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please..."

"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times..."

"Three, hmmm, well when were they?" as his face turned red, but realizing he had pressured her...

"Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me.... So when was number 2?"

"Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it!! Becky, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life... I couldn't have a more wonderful wife... To do such a thing, you must really love me darling... I couldn't be more moved... So, all right then, when was number 3?"

"Well, Sam, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be President of the fishing club .... And you were 17 votes short...."

[RevChris77]

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father where watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.

The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."

==-===-==-===-=-===-==-===-==


A grade school teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

"That was good," said the teacher, "but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate' not 'fascinating'."

Sally raised her hand and said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."

"Well, that was good, Sally," said the teacher, "but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate'."

Little Johnny raised his hand.

The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. Finally, she decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.

Johnny said: "My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

[RevChris77]

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop, and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all you sons of bitches who are returning and want to get on, get your asses on the train now, cause we're going down the tracks!"

The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may go back and play with your train, but only if you use nice language."

Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and started playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon.

" She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

Then, the child added, "And for those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, see the bitch in the kitchen."

[WangyJohn]

So there's this Glaswegian lorry driver who is a massive Celtic fan, and whenever he sees anyone wearing a Rangers strip he swerves the lorry at them - just to scare them a bit. Driving along one night, he sees a Priest at the side of the road; being a good Catholic Celtic supporter he offers the Priest a lift; "Are you going to Saint Patrick's, Father?", "Yes, I'm on my way to say Mass there."

So they're driving along, and the lorry driver soon forgets that he's in the company of a Priest - he sees a Rangers fan and immediately drives at him, and then suddenly remembering who is in the car with him he quickly turns. But he hears a loud smack noise.

"Honestly Father, I didn't mean to hit him!" he pleads,
"It's okay, My Son" replies the Priest, "I got him with the door."

[Aeridus]

*chuckles*

[RevChris77]

A doctor spoke to his patient in his office. The doctor said "Well, I've got some bad news and some good news."

Of course, the guy wanted to hear the bad news first (don't they always). The doctor bluntly said, "You've got about 48 hours to live."

The man was devastated, "Oh my god, this is horrible, what am I going to do?" Then in the midst of his grief and sorrow, he remembered that there was good news, too. "Doc, is there a cure or something?"

"Cure, of course not, otherwise I wouldn't have told you that you only have 48 hours left. No, I'm sorry, there's no cure or treatment."

"But I thought you said there was good news." said the patient

"Oh yeah. Remember when you came in, the beautiful nurse?" Asked the doctor.

"Yeah," the puzzled patient said. "The blonde one with the tight white uniform.." "Yeah," the patient agrees.

"The one with the beautiful breasts bulging out of that uniform..."

"Yeahhhhh," the patient remembers and is starting to cheer up.

"Well," the doctor leans close to confide, "I'm screwing her."

[RevChris77]

Today's regularly scheduled joke:

On his wedding day, the groom walked down the isle with a big grin on his ace. His best man said "I know this is your wedding day but I've never seen you with such a big smile"

The groom whispered, "I just got the best blow job I've ever had."

As the bride walked down the isle she too grinned from ear to ear. Her bridesmaid said to her, "I know this is the happiest day in your life but I have never seen you with a bigger smile."

To which the bride whispered, "I've just given my last blow job."

==-===-==-===-=-===-==-===-==

And, as a bonus, this came in my email today:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion
allowed per passenger.'

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
says 'Dam!'

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says 'I've lost my electron. 'The
other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies 'Yes, I'm positive.'

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour the manager came out of the office and asked them
to disperse. 'But why?', they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he
said,' I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to a family in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal.'The other goes to a family
in Spain; they name him 'Juan. ' Years later,Juan sends a picture of
himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture,she tells her
husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband
responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they
opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked
to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town
thought the competition was unfair.. He asked the good fathers to
close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to
close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart,
the roughest and most vicious thug in town to 'persuade' them to
close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd
be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby
proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate
very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he
suffered from bad breath. This made him... (Oh, man, this is so bad,
it's good)... a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to
friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them
laugh.

No pun in ten did.

[Kittyboymuffin]

The last one wins.

[WangyJohn]

I though he did the "I'm positive" -line, but I guess that was XKCD agian. Oh well, here's another.

[RevChris77]

THINGS THAT BOTHER ME.......

When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something wrong with it before.

People who are willing to get off their ass to search the room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no genitals.

When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?

When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No, dicknose, I paid $11.50 to come to the theater and stare at that thing over there. What did you come here for?

The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't." Well, I hope you don't drive sober either, Mr. Healey. You're BLIND, for god's sake!

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?

People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

[Unholy]

Today's regularly scheduled joke:


9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate
very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he
suffered from bad breath. This made him... (Oh, man, this is so bad,
it's good)... a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

worst. joke. ever.

but I love the rest:

"People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?"

This one had me cracking up for ages lol

[RavenxDrake]

Early reports of a midget palmreader pickpocketing his customers are continuing, and police are canvasing the area for the suspect. The public is warned to be on the lookout for a small medium at large.

* * *

A zen budhist in New York walked up to a Hotdog vender and asked, "Hey, can you make me one with everything."

The budhist gave the vender a ten and got his hotdog, but asked "What about my change?"

"Ah," said the vender, "Change must come from within."

* * *

Stalin's Tomb is a Communist Plot.