Advice on writey thing

[Nyke]

This is chapter 1 for The Superheroine WrongWay. I'd like to get some advice.

A few notes:
1) Yes, the first couple of chapters fit in the realm of romance. I start TSW2 with the origin story. It'll become more action and deception later on.
2) Written-out sound effects. I believe they fit more in this story, as a throw-back to the old superhero comics, but I don't think they're in this chapter.

<center>BROKEN</center>



A shot rung out.

In the night a shot rung out.

In the night, on top of a church, a shot rung out.

In the night, a figure held a gun, on top of a church, and a shot rung out.

In the night, a figure held a gun, on top of a church, and a shot rung out and hit another figure.

In the night, a figure held a gun, on top of a church, a shot rung out and hit another figure, knocking her back.

In the night, a figure held a gun, on top of a church, a shot rung out and hit another figure, knocking her back, and almost knocking her off.

In the night, a figure held a gun, on top of a church, a shot rung out and hit another figure, knocking her back, and almost knocking her off, as she thought to herself how she got here.



* * *
"Jase, In Exton, Iowa, there are only five points of interest. The first is Reverend Veneru Montolian, A guy that can empower a group with his glare and move them with his words.

"The second is one of the few political opponents of Veneru, Nike Young.

“The third is Kera Montol. She walked straight through the glass celing. Probably because she forgot her cane. She’s CEO of Neglected Express and holds stock in a local network.

“The fourth, and probably a reason for the first, is the building known as Lucien Industries. The building was rumored to be made in a day. It just popped up in an open lot one day. There was a bombing just down the way from it. I wish I knew more about it, but it’s so secretive, it doesn’t even have stock options.

"And the fifth one, the one that creates most of Exton's commerce, is car trouble. Thank you, thank you, try the veal, don't forget to tip your waitresses, I'm here all week."

Norman Yoric was spending time in the dining hall at Ben Vero University

"Well, Norman, the girls are out tonight."

Jason Ronson, Norm's best friend and roommate.

"Norm, NORM! Look, it's her!"

There she is, Norm thought, Noelle Deborah, the goddess of my dreams and the woman I intend to marry. Just as soon as I get the courage to ask her out and have a long, drawn-out relationship.

She turned to Norman, tossing her short, jet-black hair. "Hey, Norm, my computer's shot again. Can you stop by my dorm and have a look at it?"

"Of course, I'd love to do that." Norm just stared at her as she left the dining hall.

Jason pulled his friend back into the real world. "Norm, Nor-orm, NORM!"

"What, oh, yes."

"Norm, when are you ever gonna ask that girl out. It's been three-and-a-half years and you've barely said things beyond 'Hi' and 'Good-bye.'"

"Number one, I'd have to get past Skate. Number two, I've said more than that, but still short Skate. Number three, I'll do it when the time's right, that may be tod-"

"-Not today."

Norm paused. "Lemme guess: he's behind me."

Yep, Norm thought, behind every nice-looking, intelligent, confident woman is a guy out on bail. Skate Taylor, the black-haired personification of the stereotypical jock, aside from any actual sense of teamwork, knowledge of rules, or compassion for the game, or just about anything that would qualify him as a jock; on second thought, he's just a jerk.

And he's setting his vocab to "local retard",[/i] "Well, how's the queer squad."

"Dunno. Your sister's not talkin'."

He made an assortment of glares and gestures that looked like he tried changing gears without hitting the clutch.

"Look here, No-man, you better know your place. You better leave me alone and get your homo agenda out of my face."

"An old saying comes to mind: 'In war, one should not cover the arrow holes of his castle while the drawbridge is down.'"

"Look, I don't care what 'inniendo' you use: I'm not interested."

"It appears to me that one should not dive to conclusions when they reside in the shallow end of the gene pool."

"-STOP IT, FAG!" Skate left in a huff.

"Every day, I fight to stop others from controlling my life, and I win. Every night, I fight to take control of my life and lose. Skate, he's makes cartilaginous fish and wheeled footwear ashamed of their name.

"Well, insulting Skate's not gonna change anything, Maybe new equipment'll get my mind off of him." Norm took out something shaped like a "T" and hit a red button on it. "Hey, Jase, guess what this does."

"Hmmm, you hang your ties on it?"

"Do either of us have ties?” Jason looked down, realizing how dumb that guess was.

“No, it's a voice mask, with a little improvement. While you said that little piece of stupidity, I recorded your voice signature. It already has mine, so when I put it on-"

He put the mask over his neck.

"-I can sound like you."

"Whoa, Norm. If you sold that, it could be worth a fortune."

"No, I can't. I think it's too good. It might be able to deactivate voice locks."

"Norm, you worry too much. You need to stop worrying about every little thing."


* * *
"Norman, do we have to go through the test again."

Ray Manix, Norm's friend, the athlete. He allows Norm to pull some experiments and tests on him like he was a lab rat.

"I'm sorry, but I don't want to have to set up again."

"Set up what? I don't have any of those sticky things on me."

"This is a test of my sensor. It'll find certain parts of the body via camera, and locks on them, showing stuff that other people need sensors to show. See."

Norm hit a button on his computer, showing a stick figure running in place on the screen. Ray said "Hey, that's me?"

"Yep, and I can also transfer the action to this suit. It can copy your most efficient step, allowing the suit's wearer to be faster than you."

"Heh, faster than me, let's try it."

"I'm just finishing the last downloads. It'll be good to go in a while."


* * *
Out onto the track, Norm put on the suit and got ready to run a 100 meter dash. Ray was also getting ready. Norm gave him the advantage. "And since we're out here, you call it."

"Okay, ready, set, go."

Pushing against his legs, the suit sped up Norm's pace. Even though Ray had a slight lead when we began, it didn't last long, as the suit directed Norm's strength straight ahead. Norm beat him by several feet.

"What the heck!? That thing's too damn fast."

"No, it just copied your best step--" Norm hit a switch to stop the effects, "--and made me make it every time. Also, if I wanted it to, I could make my physique look like a six-foot version of yours via a photo or the camera I had on you earlier."

"Norm, you have too much free time."


* * *
While heading back to his dorm room, Norm bumped into Noelle. Right then and there, he couldn't hold back any longer. After being stuck in the "friend-zone" for so long, he got fed up.

"Noelle, I don't know why I'm saying this now, but dump Skate."

"What, Norm. You're kidding, right?"

"No, I mean it. He barely knows you exist. I wouldn't make that mistake."

"Norm, no, this isn't happening. We've been friends for four years. I can't do it."

"If you need to think about it, or if you don't want to, I'll understand."

"Norm, no. My answer is 'no.'"

"Wait, what about-"

Noelle ran into a crowd. Norm tried to follow, but lost her.

So, he thought, in the span of less than a minute, every single thing between Noelle and I has changed, and not for the better.

Today is not my day.

<center>* * *</center>

Norm moped around the dining hall.

"Hey, No-man."

Norm thought, Skate. One of those bad things that happen to good people.

"Heard you tried to step into my territory."

"Yeah, I thought the gates of hell were open, so I stopped by for a look."

"Well, you know I'm going to rock her, something you'll never do."

"Y'know, Noelle's not going to let you do that. She's saving it for marriage. I know. She told me, herself."

"Well, I can make her change her mind."

"That's what the last three ex-boyfriends thought. She is one resilient woman."

"I said I can make her change her mind!"

Norm thought, Skate said that in an angry, 'my way or the highway' tone. I've got a gut feeling about this. Something about that tone tells me that it wasn't any moral method. I have to tell Noelle before something happens.

<center>* * *</center>

Norm had a class, so it was a while before he could get to Noelle's dorm. When he finally made it there, Skate was there with her.

"Hey, No-man."

"Yo, Cheap-skate."

"Fag!"

"Dickweed!"

"Stop it, you two!" Noelle was looking away from Norm.

Norm began his plea, "Noelle, look. If you won't be with me, at least hear me out. You know that you want to save your virginity for marriage. Well, Skate doesn't give half a damn about it. He told me himself."

Noelle said "Norm, you just don't quit, do you. Skate already said you'd do this. I just can't trust you."

Skate smirked at Norm's futile efforts.

Norm yelled, "Skate, if you still want all your original teeth, I suggest you leave the room!"

"Or you'll what?"

Noelle said, "Skate, it's best for you to keep out of this. I'll handle it."

Skate left Noelle's dorm.

"Why aren't you trusting me? We've been friends for four years, numerous boyfriends, and an 'I think I'm overweight' period,' and I never steered you wrong. What reason do I have to-"

"Enough, Norm. All of a sudden, you're acting like this. Here."

She tossed a small necklace, just long enough to go around her neck, to Norm. Norm thought, I gave her this necklace for her birthday. This is it. After four years of friendship, it's over.

Norm walked away in shock.

Well, it probably isn't over. Sometimes we have major arguments, and we always come back as friends the next day. She just needs some time to cool off. She'll ask for her necklace tomorrow.


* * *
The next day in the paper, in the "quick-news" section:

GIRL RAPED AND KILLED LAST NIGHT

Noelle Deborah, 22, was raped and killed last night. The police now want to question Ben Vero University student Norman Yoric.


* * *
I had a feeling something would happen to her.

[LibertyCabbage]

Sorry, but I read it and I think it's really awful. I don't have the tenacity to describe every fault, but I'll try to cover the main problems. If you're serious about the story, though, you'd really need to completely re-write it.

1) Shallow + vague characters: You really failed to describe the characters enough or make them interesting. You've got an unconfident nerd, a best friend, a dumb jock, and a girl who won't put out. They don't really develop past that.

Some stuff to expound on:

-Norman's a brilliant inventor, so what effect does this have on his life? You don't approach this at all, when it's a significant quality to his character. We also don't know anything about him besides his interest in Noelle. He really needs to be less one-dimensional.

-I don't know anything about Jason except that he's Norman's friend. He's completely devoid of personality and background.

-Skate's nothing more than a generic dumb jock, a character-type done to death already. He needs to have more of a personality and be more unique than just being an arrogant character who insults Norman.

-Nothing's known about Noelle besides that she has short black hair and she's a virgin. Considering that the chapter focuses on two characters' desire for her, you really need to give some information about her and what she looks like and at least some general background.

Basically, I don't care about your characters and I'm not interested in the story because everything's just too simple and cliched.

2) The opening part with the info about the various people unrelated to the story is a waste of time. I'm sure they'll be important later on, but don't introduce multiple characters and then completely change the subject. I don't like the prologue either, it's much too redundant and tedious. I'd recommend just scrapping it.

3) Bad character development. In the beginning, Norman doesn't have the guts to talk to Noelle, but then all of a sudden he gets into an involved conversation with her without any cause or explanation. Even if the development takes place internally, that still needs to be described in the text. Also, since this is the 1st chapter, you need to focus on expressing Norman's character through his dialogue and actions.

4) Lack of description. What do the characters look like? How old are they? What's their college like? What is the dining hall (the main location in the story) like? What other people are around them besides the few mentioned in the story? How does their location (Iowa) affect them? What does Norman's lab look like? What does the ability-enhancing device look like? How does it work (besides the poor description you gave)?

There are a lot of aspects of the story and setting that are barely described and leave the plot blank. Without exposition, I had to assume that everything is normal and generic, which made me less interested in reading further.

5) With the flat setting and characters, the sudden bombshell cliffhanger ending was a complete miss for me. For the reasons mentioned above, I didn't care enough about Norman or Noelle for it to compell me.

I think your main problem is that you're neglecting the importance of this first chapter as the introduction to the real story you want to tell. This early part is not only crucial for establishing your characters' personalities and backgrounds and for setting up the story, but for gaining the reader's interest as well. Even if this is the most unappealing part of the story, it still the part that people will read first and if they don't like it then they're probably not gonna bother to read further. So, basically, even as a prelude to the actual story it still needs to be fresh and engaging.

[Blackaby]

Needs more description.

[Kris X]

Adding more flowery words doesn't make writing better. It depends on how you execute your dialogue and familiarize your reader with the story through a combination of dialogue and action. With a lot of readership and books today, novels are written with more get-to-the-point writing.

A problem I had last year with my writing was that I had too much description. My professor cut down 4 pages to 1 page and said my dialogue alone was written well enough with background emotion and standards that I didn't need a lot of the extra crap. The point is, leave room for your reader to imagine ont their own, aka trust the reader's basic knowledge.

However, when writing you need the basic knowledge of word organization. I find some of your sentences to be confusing and too stream of consciousness.

Speaking of which, now I'm rambling. Good night.

[Joel Fagin]

If I may just add a cautionary note about description. There's description...

The car was a silver porshe with an open top and black leather seats.

...there's description...

The car was silver, sleek and streamlined, a statement of power and worth.

...and then there's description...

The car was a shark.

Avoid the first. Always try to add some poetry as the second one demonstrates, and if possible, try and get the reader's imagination to do all of the work, as with the last.

- Joel Fagin

[Blackaby]

Adding more flowery words doesn't make writing better.

Adding more flowering words is not description. That's raping your thesaurus for kicks. Description is writing about what in the shit is going on and who the shit these people are.

[Nyke]

....hmm, my latest edits didn't work as planned. At least they aren't framework parts.

I'll get on most of the edits. I don't care how much editing I have to do, as long as stuff I see as important is at least kept. And most of this can be tinkered with.

[Escushion]

There are styles of writing that operate in lengthy description and floweryness, but to even it out they have such a quick pace that you can get years of passing times' stories in just a few pages. That doesn't seem to be how you're operating, so it's not a direction you want to go in.

[McDuffies]

If I may just add a cautionary note about description. There's description...

The car was a silver porshe with an open top and black leather seats.

...there's description...

The car was silver, sleek and streamlined, a statement of power and worth.

...and then there's description...

The car was a shark.

Avoid the first. Always try to add some poetry as the second one demonstrates, and if possible, try and get the reader's imagination to do all of the work, as with the last.

- Joel Fagin

A note about the note: Actually I prefere second the most. Third one sounds like narrator is trying to look cool. In default cases, narrator shouldn't look cool, he's just a narrator. That's why it's grating to me when narrator uses slang words - unless it's one of the characters.

[Blackaby]

McDuffies should never read anything I have written.

[Escushion]

If I may just add a cautionary note about description. There's description...

The car was a silver porshe with an open top and black leather seats.

...there's description...

The car was silver, sleek and streamlined, a statement of power and worth.

...and then there's description...

The car was a shark.

Avoid the first. Always try to add some poetry as the second one demonstrates, and if possible, try and get the reader's imagination to do all of the work, as with the last.

- Joel Fagin

A note about the note: Actually I prefere second the most. Third one sounds like narrator is trying to look cool. In default cases, narrator shouldn't look cool, he's just a narrator. That's why it's grating to me when narrator uses slang words - unless it's one of the characters.

Except that gives the narrator personality, which helps to draw the reader in. Then it becomes a matter of whether you like the narrator's personality or not. I think it's a good idea with fiction writing to give the narrator character, even if they're not a character involved in the story they're telling.

[McDuffies]

If you give a narrator personality, then the narration can't claim objectivity anymore - reader starts percieving it as a subjective point of view and starts doubting and reconsidering what's spoken. Narrator's eyes are eyes of reader too, and in most of cases, writers want to keep that view objective.
That was Nabokov's and Henry James' gig, they were very crafty in dragging us into the narrator's point of view, only to realise that we were looking at the world through eyes of a psychotic, pedophiliac or a murderer.
Therefore, it has it's use in fiction. It completely redefines the literary work that uses it as a tool, sometimes in wonderful ways. But it has a disastrous effect if writer is using it just because it sounds cool or because it helps him condense writing like in this case. Disastrous as in: writers writes a story with one intention, but in the end what reader reads is something completely different and unintended.

[Escushion]

Then it's really dependent on what you're trying to do with you're writing.

[Subhuman]

If you give a narrator personality, then the narration can't claim objectivity anymore - reader starts percieving it as a subjective point of view and starts doubting and reconsidering what's spoken. Narrator's eyes are eyes of reader too, and in most of cases, writers want to keep that view objective.

For omniscient, third-person narration, yes. But a first-person narrator, ie. one of the characters, should absolutely have personality.

A shot rung out.

In the night a shot rung out.

In the night, on top of a church, a shot rung out.

In the night, a figure held a gun, on top of a church, and a shot rung out.

In the night, a figure held a gun, on top of a church, and a shot rung out and hit another figure.

In the night, a figure held a gun, on top of a church, a shot rung out and hit another figure, knocking her back.

In the night, a figure held a gun, on top of a church, a shot rung out and hit another figure, knocking her back, and almost knocking her off.

In the night, a figure held a gun, on top of a church, a shot rung out and hit another figure, knocking her back, and almost knocking her off, as she thought to herself how she got here.

That needs to go.

[LibertyCabbage]

A problem I had last year with my writing was that I had too much description. My professor cut down 4 pages to 1 page and said my dialogue alone was written well enough with background emotion and standards that I didn't need a lot of the extra crap. The point is, leave room for your reader to imagine ont their own, aka trust the reader's basic knowledge.

I don't get how this anecdote relates to DM's story, especially since I've already pointed out my feelings on the lack of expressiveness and exposition in his dialogue.

Of course too much description can be a turn-off, but not having any description is worse.

I'll get on most of the edits. I don't care how much editing I have to do, as long as stuff I see as important is at least kept. And most of this can be tinkered with.

Unfortunately, I don't think it's salvageable in this state. You're most likely going to have to rethink and rewrite it in its entirety.

[Kris X]

I don't pay attention to other peoples critiques because I'm not out to agree with anyone, just state what I've learned as a progressing writer.

As Joel has said, however, the third one would be the best choice, but try not to use metaphoric language all the time--As Duffies illustrated, not everyone likes it.

The point is, say what needs to be said and don't put things down that lift away from the actual point and confuse the reader. If a character feels sad and upset because his grandma died and he had a bad day and his dog was lost and...blah-blah-blah.... Would he say all that or can you sum it up in one word "Fuck."

It isn't easy and it's better to overdo it first and get it all out of your system, THEN edit it down. I'm still working on that personally and when I first started I was near tears with frustration, but now it's becoming second nature.

[Escushion]

Yes, it can get very frustrating to get any part of a piece just right, which is why it's best to just get it out and then do edits, revisions, and rewrites. At least then you have something to follow.

[McDuffies]

For omniscient, third-person narration, yes. But a first-person narrator, ie. one of the characters, should absolutely have personality.

Well, duh!

[Joel Fagin]

Even a third-person narrator should take on some of the personality of the POV character. Only if there is no specific POV character should the narrator be entirely objective.

- Joel Fagin

[Escushion]

Even a third-person narrator should take on some of the personality of the POV character. Only if there is no specific POV character should the narrator be entirely objective.

- Joel Fagin

Yeah, otherwise you get emotionless, flat prose.