I need advice FROM THE LADIES

Killbert-Robby · Post by **Killbert-Robby** » Mon Sep 04, 2006 11:57 am

Here's the situation. A very special girl indeed. Except... she doesn't see herself as that. She is quite literally beautiful. But she feels that she's a pile of crap. Cute guys dont hit on her often apparently, and the only one that did was twice her age. She feels like shit and it hurts me to see her like this. Shes convinced that there's no point in being alive, that she'll be alone til the day she dies. Nothing I say is helping. Please, ladies, I need advice... how can I pull her out of this?

Mr.Bob · Post by **Mr.Bob** » Mon Sep 04, 2006 12:02 pm

Well I suppose you could actually pull her.
Unless you've already got a girlfriend.

Killbert-Robby · Post by **Killbert-Robby** » Mon Sep 04, 2006 12:07 pm

I already did pull her, but for reasons I won't go into it didn't work out. But it still hurts me to see her like this...

Black Sparrow · Post by **Black Sparrow** » Mon Sep 04, 2006 12:09 pm

It really depends. We're not all alike, so there's no general "romantic funk" rule, or something. This is my advice, and it's by no means concrete:

Your best bet may be to just let her think it through herself. Try to support her and be kind to her. And, if it gets really bad, hire professional help.

Escushion · Post by **Escushion** » Mon Sep 04, 2006 12:10 pm

In my experience, about 10% of women actually listen to logic when dealing with issues like this (again, in my experience), so don't bother trying to explain how she is beautiful, or how appearances aren't really a good thing to base your meaning of existence on. Because 10:1 chance is, she won't listen.

...I'm just telling you what not to do; I honestly haven't succeeded in helping a female friend who won't listen. I try to stick with the 10% who understand reason, though most of them that I know are lesbians.

I have no idea if that has anything to do with it.

(Before anyone comes after me, this is partly in jest. But I've had enough years of frustration with women like this that it starts to seem pretty widespread. Not really any individual's fault; it's a societal thing. I'm sure McDuffies is going to come in and contradict that in a way I completely disagree with, but I've been wrong before.)

EDIT: Ohhhh, that's why it says "From the Ladies" in the title. Doh!

Black Kitty · Post by **Black Kitty** » Mon Sep 04, 2006 12:18 pm

Black Sparrow wrote:It really depends. We're not all alike, so there's no general "romantic funk" rule, or something. This is my advice, and it's by no means concrete:

Your best bet may be to just let her think it through herself. Try to support her and be kind to her. And, if it gets really bad, hire professional help.

I concur. She should especially seek professional help if she's serious and consistent about the whole no point in being alive thing.

Just be kind and supportive, and if the two of you have spare time, go out and have some fun. Might take her mind off of things and it beats sitting around thinking about it.

[Edit: Now I'm not the representative of all girls on this planet...but sometimes when I'm feeling upset, all I really want is to rant. I'm not looking for a solution, I'm just looking to let off some steam to someone who's willing to listen to me.]

Killbert-Robby · Post by **Killbert-Robby** » Mon Sep 04, 2006 12:23 pm

Black Kitty wrote:
Black Sparrow wrote:It really depends. We're not all alike, so there's no general "romantic funk" rule, or something. This is my advice, and it's by no means concrete:

Your best bet may be to just let her think it through herself. Try to support her and be kind to her. And, if it gets really bad, hire professional help.
I concur. She should especially seek professional help if she's serious and consistent about the whole no point in being alive thing.

Just be kind and supportive, and if the two of you have spare time, go out and have some fun. Might take her mind off of things and it beats sitting around thinking about it.

[Edit: Now I'm not the representative of all girls on this planet...but sometimes when I'm feeling upset, all I really want is to rant. I'm not looking for a solution, I'm just looking to let off some steam to someone who's willing to listen to me.]

About the ranting thing, yeah I've learnt that girls enjoy just ranting about stuff. But she's not angry. She's just upset, and she's been upset about it pretty much since I've known her, close to a year now.

I quite like the going out idea. I'm thinking of a good movie or something. I'm just worried she'll see a cute guy then despair again because he doesn't walk over completely love struck and ask for her number straight away.

Blackaby · Post by **Blackaby** » Mon Sep 04, 2006 12:29 pm

1. Draw some pictures of her. This relies on you being able to draw. If you can't, learn.

2. Next time she starts talking about the fact she looks like shit, here is the speech you say:

Yeah, yeah, whatever. Y'know, maybe I should just not be here. Why? Because I don't know, this is fucking crazy. I feel fucking crazy. Yeah, I get you're not happy right now, but all this stuff about the way you look? FUCKING HELL, LOOK AT YOURSELF, you're seriously fucking hot. If guys aren't picking you up, it's because they're fucking INTIMIDATED. I'm seriously trying to get over the fact a girl who looks like you even gave me the time of day. FUCKING -

Okay, look, I'm sorry. It's just frustrating me. I'm sorry if you don't want ot hear this, or you feel like you've heard this before, BUT THERE'S NOTHING ELSE I CAN SAY. I've been wracking my brains for ages on how to tell you you're incredible, but every time I try you kind of shoot me down like I'm stupid, and like my opinion doesn't count. I don't know who made you think this way about yourself or think that you're not worthy but geeze, the amount of guys I catch checking you out... the amount of guys who look at me jealously when I walk about with you... SHIT. What is it going to take for you to realise that you're -

Eh. Yeah, look. Anyway, whatever. Look over the past few days I've been trying to sketch you, because you've kinda become a - well I find you attractive, you're beautiful, fuck it, and so I... I drew you. Look, here they are - yeah, just remember me as the guy who thinks you're...

Yeah, never mind.

I've got to go, now I'm just - I'm sorry.

3. Leave her.

4. Come back a few hours later and ask her to come to dinner and apologise profusely. Say that fuck the fact that you aren't dating anymore, but you like going out with a beautiful woman on your arm.

Blackaby · Post by **Blackaby** » Mon Sep 04, 2006 12:32 pm

I'd also add something to that rant along the lines of the fact that she expects too much of guys. Such as -

I think you expect too much of guys, y'know. They're fucked up like me and sometimes they see a girl and they don't know what to say. Guys play it cool so that girls don't think they're desperate...

You can continue on that track for a bit then return to the script.

Killbert-Robby · Post by **Killbert-Robby** » Mon Sep 04, 2006 12:32 pm

I've done step one and two... hmmm step 3 and 4, why haven't I... God I'm retarded

Blackaby · Post by **Blackaby** » Mon Sep 04, 2006 12:33 pm

Killbert-Robby wrote:I've done step one and two... hmmm step 3 and 4, why haven't I... God I'm retarded

You need to do all the steps, in that order.

You also have to be believably angry for step 2. You may also want to throw about the word 'muse', because chicks dig that shit.

Ask her over dinner if she'd model for you. Clothed of course - just sit so you can draw her.

Killbert-Robby · Post by **Killbert-Robby** » Mon Sep 04, 2006 12:36 pm

blackaby wrote:
Killbert-Robby wrote:I've done step one and two... hmmm step 3 and 4, why haven't I... God I'm retarded
You need to do all the steps, in that order.

You also have to be believably angry for step 2. You may also want to throw about the word 'muse', because chicks dig that shit.

Ask her over dinner if she'd model for you. Clothed of course - just sit so you can draw her.

Haha *scribbles down "Chicks dig the word muse"*

I just wanna say thanks to everyone while I'm at it! This helps, honestly.

Blackaby · Post by **Blackaby** » Mon Sep 04, 2006 12:45 pm

Also mention that in your future relationships, she's going to be the woman against which you judge all others.

Slip that shit into the convo somewhere. Yeah. Romance the shit out of her.

Black Sparrow · Post by **Black Sparrow** » Mon Sep 04, 2006 12:47 pm

Blackaby, you are a genius. That is all.

Mr.Bob · Post by **Mr.Bob** » Mon Sep 04, 2006 12:49 pm

I know. I feel like saving all this advice for just in case.

Escushion · Post by **Escushion** » Mon Sep 04, 2006 12:55 pm

blackaby wrote:Also mention that in your future relationships, she's going to be the woman against which you judge all others.

Slip that shit into the convo somewhere. Yeah. Romance the shit out of her.

Just make sure not to do a bet double-date romance-off against a friend and his girl.

McDuffies · Post by **McDuffies** » Mon Sep 04, 2006 5:31 pm

You know, the girl sounds like someone who does seriously have problems with confidence. If she is attractive but not having guys hit on her, that might be because of said lack of confidence. Guys don't hit on girls who look at the ground and stand in the corner. Plus, such girls often seem guarded, guys interpret their shyness wrong, and assume that they don't have a chance anyways.

I fought confidence issues for a long time. I haven't dealt with them completely (I don't think it's possible in any case) but I'm much, much better than I was in high school. I know I wouldn't if there wasn't for my friends who were patiently convincing me that was better than I thought I was for years. Also, they taught me how importnat it was to appear confident even when you're not, because the difference in how other people see you is great.

So, if you do want to help her, I guess you have to be patient and supportive. To one-afternoon four-step program will do any good. Don't listen to Blackaby's advice, seriously. Blackaby is a peculiar person, she disobays many rules of usual social life, and she gets away with many things none of us would. When she gives advice, that advice might work with her, but anyone else would seriously screw up things by following it. To yell at girl and then walk on her, while knowing that support and kindness is what this girl needs desperately? Sheesh.

That's my 2c.

KittyKatBlack · Post by **KittyKatBlack** » Mon Sep 04, 2006 5:41 pm

I can't say that I'm very good at giving out advise in this particular situation, but I solve my problems by looking for the cause. Why does she think she's not attractive? What in particular is bothering her about it? If she can find that out, she may be able to better understand her situation.

This normally leads to two things:

1. She reallizes she can't think of anything that's wrong with her, and may actually start to understand that it's all in her head.

2. She knows what she doesn't like about her self, and should start looking for steps to fix the problem.

Thats what I would do in this sitiuation, but I'm a very logical minded person, so I can't say that this will work with someone who is bent on doing things that don't make any sense. I don't know much about this girl, or even how old she is, but if she takes the time to study her situation, chances are she may be able to figure out how to get herself out of it.

Simply telling her that what she thinks about herself is wrong will solve nothing. You have to prove it to her, and making herself think about why she feels the way she does may actually be the proof she needs to figure out how to fix it. You can't give her the answers. But you can ask the questions that produce the answers she's looking for. Don't be critical, though. If she says she doesn't like something about herself, don't tell her that she is wrong. Ask why she doesn't like it and find out ways she may be able to fix it so she does like it.

Atillathebun · Post by **Atillathebun** » Mon Sep 04, 2006 5:48 pm

It might take a while though. At least it did for me, and I'm still working on a lot of really scary personal issues. The best thing you can do is be supportive. Some people would kill for just that.

Escushion · Post by **Escushion** » Mon Sep 04, 2006 6:15 pm

McDuffies wrote:I haven't dealt with them completely (I don't think it's possible in any case) but I'm much, much better than I was in high school.

You don't actually have to be perfectly confident, just pretend you are well enough that people believe it. That's what I do

. I'm really terribly shy, but not many know it now because I've gotten good at acting confident.

Anyway, McDuffies has a good point. Blackaby's advice would work on, perhaps, a romantic person, but it's the kind of stuff you need to be geared towards, and it usually wouldn't work except in special circumstances with a person looking for something to happen to them.

KittyKatBlack wrote:Thats what I would do in this sitiuation, but I'm a very logical minded person, so I can't say that this will work with someone who is bent on doing things that don't make any sense.

Yeah, that's what my post was generally about. And as Black Kitty said, some people just like to rant, without solution.