Write a letter to an inanimate object

TheSuburbanLetdown · Post by **TheSuburbanLetdown** » Fri Jun 03, 2005 1:02 pm

This us a strange idea from another forum I go to. It's sort of fun in a crazy way. I wrote a letter to coffee.

Dear Coffee:

In the past we had some good times. We would have each other in the mornings, and also in the evenings. Together we would triumph over any problem that we faced with our heads held high, and I would destroy my enemies with the sublte flavour of vanilla with hits of hazelnut. One could say that we were inseperable, and that I would wither away and die if we were to be separated from you loving embrace. But lately, I felt as though we have been growing apart. Tasting you on my lips no longer holds that same appeal it once did, and now it feels as though I'm with a stranger with each passing sip. I know my head will throb once I let you go, but I feel as if it's something that I must do. In the end, it'll be alright, but I must move on now. Hopefuly we can still be friends.

Love,

Peppermint.

Now, someone else write a letter to something.

AsterAzul · Post by **AsterAzul** » Fri Jun 03, 2005 1:19 pm

That's awesome. I'll go next.

Dear tall glass of slightly alcoholic Coca-Cola,
I can remember many a good time when we sat idly side-by-side at the Cantina. I'd tell an awful joke occasionally, about how my day had been. You'd never laugh, but I knew you were listening even as you reflectively pointed out a pretty lady sitting by the window. It wasn't always a healthy relationship we shared; I'm pretty sure you were never the cleanest glass in around. Goodness knows how many Budweisers and Rolling Rocks you'd already had in you by the time I came in. And it was never quite the same after I'd tasted the house Root Beer, an expensive fellow with a mild aftertaste. Nonetheless, you've always been there for me, refill after refill. We may not always be friends, but I just want you to know... from one guy to another... that I love you, pal, you're one of a kind.

Your friend,
Aster

Caffeine Boy · Post by **Caffeine Boy** » Fri Jun 03, 2005 1:25 pm

Dear Pencil,

It's over. You can be so infuriating! Why must you sharpen on one side only, no matter how many times I turn you around? I don't care how fun biting your eraser is, or how much I enjoy stripping the paint off you. Furthermore, you keep running from me. It doesn't matter whether you're round or hexagonal, you just roll away. Well, I will put up with your abuse no longer! From now on, I use a pen, and if I screw up, I'll fix the image on my compy! Ha!

Caffeine Boy.

P.S. Ignore everything I said. Please come back. I can't get the lid off this stupid pen.

Noxmeansxno · Post by **Noxmeansxno** » Fri Jun 03, 2005 1:30 pm

Hah. Fun.

My dearest Digital Camera...

We've been together for over a year now, but I think I'm going to have to break things off soon. My times with you, in retrospect, aren't anywhere near as bright and lively as I'd thought they were. The splendor just isn't there anymore, and there are certainly many more fish/cameras out in that large sea for me to choose from. We've been through a lot together, from flea markets in Florida to performing in that Orchestra Pit for The Music Man. I need someone who will enjoy reliving my memories with me, though, and you don't seem to be willing to do that.

It's over between us, but I'll always miss you.

Love, always,

Elizabeth

AsterAzul · Post by **AsterAzul** » Fri Jun 03, 2005 1:35 pm

*sniff* that's so SAD!
Now I miss Cammie the schizophrenic digital camera. Why was she stolen from me? Why?
*grabs your shirt and begins bawling*

Crazy Chris · Post by **Crazy Chris** » Fri Jun 03, 2005 1:42 pm

Dear Playstation controler,

I am sorry for everything I have done. I know it's not your fault when I lose to the same opponent eight times in a row, but you were always the nearest target for my rage. I've thrown for. I've pounded you into the ground. I've things I don't even want to remember. Yet you have always stayed with me. You've tried to warn me of the consecuences of my action. You loosened your buttons. You've shown cracks in your casing. Why did I never listen. Now you are broken. If you never work again, I just won't be able to forgive myself. I don't expect you to forgive me. I know I don't disserve it. I just needed to say this. Again, I'm sorry.

Deapest regrets,
Chris

CJBurgandy · Post by **CJBurgandy** » Fri Jun 03, 2005 1:42 pm

Dear Vibrator,
Sorry I haven't talk to you in a while. I've been busy. Plus I stopped taking that one medication that made my libido really high. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know I have not forgotten you, even though you might think so, seeing how I put you in the closet. Don't worry, once I find time in my busy schedual, I will play with you again.

CJ

PS: Don't get jealous of the waterproof vibrator. All because it's in the shower doesn't mean I've been using it either....

Noxmeansxno · Post by **Noxmeansxno** » Fri Jun 03, 2005 1:44 pm

*pats Aster sympathetically*

I'm sure that, wherever she is, she knows that you're thinking of her. Considering she's schizophrenic, the voices in her head will tell her so.

Crazy Chris · Post by **Crazy Chris** » Fri Jun 03, 2005 1:45 pm

Dear forum spellcheck,

Where the hell are you?

Sput · Post by **Sput** » Fri Jun 03, 2005 1:47 pm

i had to write a eulogy for an inanimate object once.

Dear tablet pen-

you and i have had our disputes. You sometiems freeze up whenever I touch you, other times you avoid me at random hours of the night. I often find you eating all my food in the fridge, or crying in my bathroom. I don't know how much longer I can keep you with me, though I hold you incredibly dear, it may be time for you to...move out. I'm so sorry, but I've been secretly checking out other models on their site. Yes, they're Wacoms. Please don't be hurt. It's just time for it to end.

Leko · Post by **Leko** » Fri Jun 03, 2005 2:11 pm

Yo Denim Purse--

What's up? Sorry I haven't cleaned you out lately. Not that you care. When do I get my sunglasses back, eh? Or are you planning on keeping them for the rest of eternity? Anyway... I want you to stop picking on Orange Purse. It's just not cool, dude. He's got just as much right to carry my stuff around as you do, you stuck-up little zipperslut. I mean it this time--lay off my buddy Orange or I'll come down so hard on your ass you'll be spitting seams for weeks.

~Leko.

Smight · Post by **Smight** » Fri Jun 03, 2005 2:20 pm

Dear Old Sneakers,

It's been a good run, but I feel that we've grown apart. You used to be so supple and inviting, always willing to go wherever I went, you would gently massage my feet. Lately you've become rigid and cold. It went so slowly I didn't even notice but now every step I take I can feel you wearing away at me. I thought we could work through it but the last time I tried to invite you for a run you drew blood. I'm not accostumed to the constant nagging and your frayed edges give you a haggard appearance. Maybe in a few years if I've lowered my standards or you've finally gotten the repairs you need we can once again be friends, but I honestly don't see it happening.

Don't call me,
Smight

AsterAzul · Post by **AsterAzul** » Fri Jun 03, 2005 2:22 pm

noxmeansxno wrote:*pats Aster sympathetically*

I'm sure that, wherever she is, she knows that you're thinking of her. Considering she's schizophrenic, the voices in her head will tell her so.

I just wish I could get those bastards back for what they did to her! And the oranges, oh the oranges...

Smight wrote:Dear Old Sneakers,
...
Don't call me,
Smight

Tell me about it. Goshdarned plastic wearing through and stabbing me in the ankle. Don't come knocking at my door, Nordics, don't wanna see your tongue no more.

Noxmeansxno · Post by **Noxmeansxno** » Fri Jun 03, 2005 2:36 pm

It cracks me up that most of these are break-up letters.

Other than CJ's. That was just funny in and of itself.

The Neko · Post by **The Neko** » Fri Jun 03, 2005 2:41 pm

Dear Microphone,

FUCK YOU.

Sincerely,
Neko

McDuffies · Post by **McDuffies** » Fri Jun 03, 2005 2:42 pm

Dear Coffee:

In the past we had some good times. We would have each other in the mornings, and also in the evenings. Together we would triumph over any problem that we faced with our heads held high, and I would destroy my enemies with the sublte flavour of vanilla with hits of hazelnut. One could say that we were inseperable, and that I would wither away and die if we were to be separated from you loving embrace. But lately, I felt as though we have been growing apart. Tasting you on my lips no longer holds that same appeal it once did, and now it feels as though I'm with a stranger with each passing sip. I know my head will throb once I let you go, but I feel as if it's something that I must do. In the end, it'll be alright, but I must move on now. Hopefuly we can still be friends.

Love,

mcDuffies

Mvmarcz · Post by **Mvmarcz** » Fri Jun 03, 2005 2:49 pm

Dear Air Conditioner,
You stopped working yesterday and I was very ill. I hated you. The man came and fixed you today, I love you again. But if you EVER EVER break while I'm sick again I will destroy you. You know I can do it...you know I will do it. You saw last night, I left you for the fan. Maybe tonight we can have a menage a trois.
XOXOXOXOXO
M

Czar · Post by **Czar** » Fri Jun 03, 2005 4:00 pm

Dear 'Old Faithful' (My Nokia 3310)

I have given you a new battery and disposed of the old, treacherous one. I will go lenghts to ensure that this new battery is better maintained than the last to increase its life expectancy.
Necessity also forces me to increase your time in the field...
Which brings me to the matter in question.
If you ever fail me again, you will be disposed of.
Do not think I have not noticed the myriad of new features availible to the latest generation of your successors, or shall I say replacements.
Do not think I have not been tempted to have an 'accident' befall you so that I can have an excuse to replace you.
Do not think I am unwilling, or unable, to do so should need arise now that I have expended time and money in an attempt to ensure your function.
Do we have an understanding?

Sincerely, the management.

The Neko · Post by **The Neko** » Fri Jun 03, 2005 4:06 pm

mcDuffies wrote:Dear Coffee:

In the past we had some good times. We would have each other in the mornings, and also in the evenings. Together we would triumph over any problem that we faced with our heads held high, and I would destroy my enemies with the sublte flavour of vanilla with hits of hazelnut. One could say that we were inseperable, and that I would wither away and die if we were to be separated from you loving embrace. But lately, I felt as though we have been growing apart. Tasting you on my lips no longer holds that same appeal it once did, and now it feels as though I'm with a stranger with each passing sip. I know my head will throb once I let you go, but I feel as if it's something that I must do. In the end, it'll be alright, but I must move on now. Hopefuly we can still be friends.

Love,

mcDuffies

PLAGARIST!

Noxmeansxno · Post by **Noxmeansxno** » Fri Jun 03, 2005 4:07 pm

For shame, mcDuffies.

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