Joke time

Chrismills · Post by **Chrismills** » Sun Jan 09, 2005 10:35 pm

Four nuns were sitting around the breakfast table chatting.

The first one says "You know, I was cleaning Father Luke's chambers last month and I found one of those sinful romance novels."
The other nuns gasp and ask her what she did about it. "I hid it behind the bookcase," she replies.

The second nun said "That's not so bad. I was cleaning his chambers last week and I found a pornographic magazine!"
The other nuns gasp and ask her what she did about it. "I threw it away," she answered.

The third nun said "That's nothing. I was cleaning his chambers yesterday and I found a box of condoms! We all know that birth control is a sin!"
The other nuns gasp and ask her what she did about them. "Well," she said, "I took a pin and poked holes in every one."

The fourth nun said "Shit!"

Collapse · Post by **Collapse** » Sun Jan 09, 2005 11:17 pm

HeDanny · Post by **HeDanny** » Sun Jan 09, 2005 11:24 pm

A mechanic, a chemist and a Programmer are in a car when it suddenly stops on the side of the road for no apparent.

"Lets check the engine" says the Mechanic
"Lets check the fuel" says the chemist
"Just get out of the car and get back in again" says the Programmer.

Smight · Post by **Smight** » Sun Jan 09, 2005 11:32 pm

Dutch! · Post by **Dutch!** » Mon Jan 10, 2005 3:52 am

A ten year old is about to go the bed but it's thundering outside.

'Can you sleep with me tonight, Mum?' he asks fearfully.

'No, Johnny,' Mum replies, switching off the light. 'Mum has to sleep with Dad tonight.'

As she closes the door she hears a little voice from beneath the blankets.

'The big sissy!'

And you thought it was gonna be dirty!!

Humbug · Post by **Humbug** » Mon Jan 10, 2005 3:58 am

Oh, far from it.

Joel Fagin · Post by **Joel Fagin** » Mon Jan 10, 2005 4:22 am

George W Bush.*

- Joel Fagin

* Look, if I hadn't done it, someone else would've.

Rkolter · Post by **Rkolter** » Mon Jan 10, 2005 5:06 am

A man takes his obviously dead dog to the vet. The man says to the vet, "I think my dog is real sick. Would you please examine him and tell me what you think?"

The vet looks at the dog and says, "I'm very sorry Mr. Smith but your dog has died."

The man implores, "Are you sure doctor? Is there any tests you can run to be sure?"

"Oookay," says the doctor skeptically. He has his assistant bring in the office house cat. The cat proceeds to sniff the dog from nose to tail, jumps off the table and goes into the other room. The doctor says, "Well that confirms my diagnosis, Mr. Smith, your dog has passed on." Regrettably, the doctor continues. "And I am really sorry to have to give you the bill for our services at such a time."

The man looks at the bill and in shock says, "$285? $285 to tell me my dog is dead??"

"No," says the doctor, "That was only $35. The other $250 was for the cat scan.

Godoftarot · Post by **Godoftarot** » Mon Jan 10, 2005 5:09 am

Joel Fagin wrote:George W Bush.*

- Joel Fagin

* Look, if I hadn't done it, someone else would've.

I love a good political joke

Or...would that be a bad political joke? Huh.

Chrismills · Post by **Chrismills** » Mon Jan 10, 2005 5:18 am

Heaven was getting crowded, so they decided to make it a rule that you can only get into heaven if you had a bad day when you died.

The first guy comes up, they tell him the new rule, and he say, "Boy did I! I came home from my 14 hour graveyard shift to find my wife standing around suprised, sweaty, and wearing lingerie. So I tear around the house looking for the bastard, when I go out on the balcony. The asshole has the nerve to hide by hanging off the ledge! I stomped his fingers till he let go, but after the 7 story fall, he lands in a dumpster! So I went into the apartment, got the fridge, and pushed it off the balcony onto him. I was so happy I died laughing!"

"Holy crap!" said the Angel at the gate, and he let him in.

The next guy comes up, they tell him the rule, and he goes, "Hell yeah I did! I was using my treadmill on my 8th floor apartment, when it messed up and flung me off the balcony! I managed to catch the ledge of the balcony below me, when this guy stomped my fingers! I fell 7 stories, and landed in a dumpster. I was pretty hurt, but I was still alive. Then the ass pushed his fridge off the ledge, and it killed me."

"Damn!" said the Angel, and he let him in.

Just then, Bill Clinton walks up to the pearly gates.

"Mr. President, what happened?" asked the Angel.

Said Bill,

"Its the strangest thing... I was hiding in this fridge..."

Joel Fagin · Post by **Joel Fagin** » Mon Jan 10, 2005 5:23 am

rkolter wrote:"No," says the doctor, "That was only $35. The other $250 was for the cat scan.

Variation: The Doctor also brings in a Labrador and it sniffs the dead dog and whines. He then also charges for a Lab Report.

- Joel Fagin

Komiyan · Post by **Komiyan** » Mon Jan 10, 2005 7:41 am

A little long, but well worth a read.. Some are a bit British, I think.. I can't really tell. He's a bloody genius, anyway, I hurt myself laughing at these

Peter Kay's Universal Truths

Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator

Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

You never know where to look when eating a banana.

Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.

The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

Old women with mobile phones look wrong.

Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

You never ever run out of salt.

Old ladies can eat more than you think.

You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.

You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

Bricks are horrible to carry.

In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Rkolter · Post by **Rkolter** » Mon Jan 10, 2005 8:02 am

I would like to add one to this list:

"There is no feeling quite like when you are chewing something not meant to be crunchy, and something crunches."

Jha'Meia · Post by **Jha'Meia** » Mon Jan 10, 2005 8:23 am

Komiyan wrote:
Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator

I don't understand, and I grew up in the 80's ;_;

Nyke · Post by **Nyke** » Mon Jan 10, 2005 8:27 am

Jha'Meia wrote:
Komiyan wrote:
Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator
I don't understand, and I grew up in the 80's ;_;

Turn it upside down.

Humbug · Post by **Humbug** » Mon Jan 10, 2005 8:30 am

I remember that, my sister used Dolly Parton for that joke, I don't know how she did it, she punched in a bunch of calculations and ended up with that number.

Komiyan · Post by **Komiyan** » Mon Jan 10, 2005 8:37 am

Yeah, we had something similar- It was something about a girl who had size enternumberhere boobs, and she wanted them enternumberhere, and such.. I spent half an hour trying to work it out once, but the closest i got was '56378008' ...'Booblegs'. Not quite right.

Rkolter · Post by **Rkolter** » Mon Jan 10, 2005 8:42 am

Equally silly is this calculator joke I learned a long time ago...

Five thousand sex starved men on an island.

5000

One woman arrives.

5000+1=5001

She has sex with each man seven times.

5001*7

What is she by the end of the experience?

35007

Nyke · Post by **Nyke** » Mon Jan 10, 2005 9:21 am

I'm looking at the 55378008 one, and the factors I got were 2^3*3^2*7*19*5783, so that may help in remembering.

Protectmyballs · Post by **Protectmyballs** » Mon Jan 10, 2005 9:24 am

Perhaps these were the humble beginings of 1337.