How the people who think they're cool for having cell phones are mouthbreathing retards
By Joey Hetzel
I am sick and tired of these self-absorbed butthairs who feel it's necessary to have these handheld vices glued to their ears while they're in public. The hell? We're not looking at you and admiring how busy and important and special you are. We're trying to make your head explode with our minds. How I wish all the people in the world who didn't own cell phones or owned one and had cell phone etiquette (both, sadly, a minority)...where was I? Oh yeah. I wish we could all be like Charlie from Firestarter. The second your phone plays some beepy Atari-like version of a Top 40 song, FOOM! You're a fireball, moron. A very important, busy busy fireball, we know. Go and die. And take your matching faceplates with you. The rest of you, start working on your pyrokinesis skills. Us girls have a natural gift for that, but guys should not let this discourage them. Ask a girl how to do it! We like teaching. It makes us feel special. Anyway.
What's even more pathetic is when you live in a smaller town like I do and people have them. You see Norma Jo sitting in front of you at an 80s has-been concert (which is no rip on her yet; at least she appreciates Bad English as much as I), and she's acting like she's the coolest most important redneck to ever wear a Toby Keith shirt that's too tight for her. Her hip hugger whore pants aside (that's another topic altogether), she's just yapping away on her phone next to the speaker, plugging her ear and shouting, "I'M AT THE JOHN WAITE CONCERT!!!" No kidding, moron. And you know she does this at stock car races, motorcycle rallies, and any other place where it's so loud you can't hear a thing. Idiot.
Personally, I love having a Harley so I can turn my choke on while Mr. Hotshit next to me in traffic is in his pimped out Civic talking on his 'cell.' Yep, small town cell phone people are the worst. They talk too loud, they all have hokey song rings, and they all wear them clipped to their acid-washed jeans.
Why can't people who buy these things take etiquette classes? I don't care if you have a loved one stationed in Iraq. This was the case that set me off on this rant. And it actually happened to a coworker of mine, not me. This broad was yappin' away on her phone, and making eye contact with me to help her. I announced that I was going to the bathroom, and left the area. So one of my coworkers said to this chick, "I'll wait on you as soon as you're off the phone." This lady stomps off, then comes back later to get waited on again (off the phone), and my coworker waits on her again. This idiot has the nerve to tell coworker SHE was being rude! Coworker shoots back, "I think it was rude of you to be on the phone." So, queen Righteous hops on her War Widow horse and says, "MY husband is stationed in Iraq. I was talking to him." Isn't that freakin' rich? If I had a significant other stationed in Iraq, I'd think he'd be worth a little more time than just chatting to him while you're strolling through the store. I'd like to tell 'husband' that wifey was just sandwiching him into her busy schedule by splitting up conversation time between him and some frozen pizzas. Dumbass chick. I'd say I hope you're reading this so you know how stupid you are, but then again, you probably think I'm talking about someone else. Certainly not YOU.
I have more, but I have a comic to work on. Again, feel free to add.
