Useless superpowers

[Illithid Tentacles]

The power of knowing exactly how many hairs are growing in any given person's nose.

The power to turn green things blue, and blue things green (this was actually a magic item in a Dungeons and Dragons game I once played).

The power to spontaneously set your own hair on fire at will.

The power to produce infinite amounts of mucous when blowing your nose.

The power to hear and talk to inanimate objects, but they all sound like Gilbert Gottfried and talk about inane things.

The power to make your earwax taste like anything you want.

The power to make subtitles appear accross your chest as you speak.

The power to switch animal sounds with industrial noises.

The power to change your nipple size.

The power to instantly sew the legs of your pants together, but only while you're wearing them.

The power to see things as being two feet to the left of where they actually are, but only through one eye.

The power to sneeze at will.

The power to perfectly recite the lyrics to any song ever performed on The Simpsons.

[WangyJohn]

The power to turn green things blue, and blue things green (this was actually a magic item in a Dungeons and Dragons game I once played).

Might work for camouflage.

[Kittyboymuffin]

The ability to produce a sphere of darkness around you, through which you yourself cannot see, when sufficient light is cast on you, such as that from the crescent moon, and not being able to control this.

Or, um ... the ability to herald the arrival of spring, using danmaku.

Actually, my own creation probably beats them both: ability to manipulate wind in leaves. :3

[ManaUser]

The power turning gold into lead.

The power of summoning houseflies.

The power of summoning Cthulhu (baby or otherwise).

The power to age rapidly at will.

The power to speak nonsense in any language.
(Ma chaise de bureau vibre charitable. Desserrerez-vous mon arc-en-ciel expiré?)

The power to see through pasta.

The power to shoot silly string from your fingertips.

[Xero]

the power to turn bottles of skin cream into bottled buck cake

the ability to wine into water

the ability to summon hundreds of tentacles - but they're all celibate

[Aeridus]

The ability to permanently increase the size of other people's penises at the expense of your own
The power to make glass opaque
The ability to teleport anywhere, but at 200 feet higher than the ground and without your clothes

[Ltc_insane]

http://www.superstupor.com/sust11262007.shtml

i think this comic strip somes up some useless superpowers quite well.

[Evilpika]

Some of these could be really useful.

The power to make subtitles appear across your chest as you speak.

This could actually be pretty useful if the subtitles were in other languages.

The power to switch animal sounds with industrial noises.

Releasing a canary that sounds like a jackhammer in an office building would make for a very entertaining day.

The power to change your nipple size.

I hear there's decent money in the porn industry.

The power turning gold into lead.

I could see this being used in some sort of plot to increase the value of gold by destroying other countries gold reserves.

The power of summoning houseflies.

Well, you get enough flies spittin' acid on the walls of the bank at once...

The power to shoot silly string from your fingertips.

Okay, it's useless. But try to tell me it wouldn't be awesome.

The power to turn bottles of skin cream into bottled buck cake

Oh god, yes.

the ability to summon hundreds of tentacles - but they're all celibate

This idea makes me very sad.

The power to make glass opaque

I could see this being a very destructive evil power. Especially at rush hour.

[Xero]

The power to shoot silly string from your fingertips.

Okay, it's useless. But try to tell me it wouldn't be awesome.

The power to turn bottles of skin cream into bottled buck cake

Oh god, yes.

the ability to summon hundreds of tentacles - but they're all celibate

This idea makes me very sad.

silly string fingers + lighter = flame strings = much win

also your welcome and mwahahahhahaahahahahaaaa

[Aeridus]

Some of these could be really useful.

The power to make glass opaque

I could see this being a very destructive evil power. Especially at rush hour.

Ouch, I didn't foresee that one.

"Final Destination 9: We're All FUCKED."

[HentaiCat]

The power to set oneself on fire (Much like the human torch) this power does not come with immunity to flames


The power to create a field of slow-motion 3 feet around you in every direction that you yourself is caught in


The power to case your two front teeth to turn into a car (that does not work) that you are now stuck to by your two front teeth

[Aeridus]

The ability to see what ugly people look like naked... permanently.

[ManaUser]

The power to create a field of slow-motion 3 feet around you in every direction that you yourself is caught in

I think that would be pretty nifty. Anything that allows you to bend the normal laws of space-time is incredibly powerful if you can only think of the right way to use it. On a trivial level, this would let you (from your perspective) fast-forward though boring situations. On a more heroic scale, you could slow down a time bomb or help keep a wounded person alive long enough for help to arrive.

The ability to see what ugly people look like naked... permanently.

Unpleasant, sure, but not necessarily useless. It would depend on exactly how it worked. For instance if it basically made ugly people's clothing transparent you for also see concealed weapons. If it made everything in front of them transparent (including weapons) it would also let you see them through walls, wouldn't it?

[Crushogre]

The ability to make your teeth audibly and visually go "ting"
The ability to turn lead into glod (this is not a typo)

[Evilpika]

The ability to transform into a small, highly visible, non-venomous snake.

The ability to produce ink from the soles of your feet.

The ability to become a pinata.

The ability to turn diamonds into gold.

[RavenxDrake]

The ability to turn lead into glod (this is not a typo)

Then I make my fortune by running Dwarf Fortress LARPS.

[Churba]

The ability to turn lead into glod (this is not a typo)

Then I make my fortune by running Dwarf Fortress LARPS.

I was about to say "Upon saying a 16 sylable codeword, you gain the fighting power of a Carp" but considering you play dwarf fortress, I think you understand why this isn't useless.

[Kittyboymuffin]

The power to understand the precise literal meaning of any swearword in any language. And you hear it in as big a word as possible. So ... "Merde!" = "Holy excrement!" Or "So, if people are groophar stupid, we fight for groophar stupidity" = "So if people are 'when a mummy troll and a daddy troll' stupid, we fight for ..."

[Crushogre]

The power to spit sand

[LeftTentacleGreen]

The ability to change shoes quickly

The ability to make pomegranates taste like peaches.