Any good jokes?

[Awkwardschoolgirl]

Anyone have any good jokes? Possibly tentacle monster jokes?

Pwetty pwease? *bats eyelashes*

[HentaiCat]

-Q: what did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
-A: see you next month
(My dad told me that when I was four!)

[MaryxTyphus]

Well I don't know a Tentacle monster joke but Here's an Octopus one;

This guy walks into a bar near a concert hall with an octopus under his arm and says, "I'll bet any of you that my octopus can play any instrument that you give him."
Two guys bet fifty dollars each that the octopus can't play their instruments.

The first guy hands over his French horn and the octopus starts to play it.

The second guy hands over his tuba and sure enough the octopus starts to play it.

The bartender then walks into the back room and comes back five minutes later with a set of bagpipes and bets all the money in the drawer that the octopus wouldn't be able to play it. He hands over the bagpipes to the octopus and waits.

After about a minute of watching the octopus run its tentacles over the bagpipe the owner of the octopus says, "Come on now! Play it!"

The octopus replies, "What do you mean play it?! If I can figure out how to get the plaid pajamas off of it, I'm gonna screw it!"

[CottonStar]

-Q: what did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
-A: see you next month
(My dad told me that when I was four!)

It tooks me a second to get that.

And I now I'm dead inside.

[Gengar003]

-Q: what did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
-A: see you next month
(My dad told me that when I was four!)

It tooks me a second to get that.

And I now I'm dead inside.

Gah. I don't get it.

[HentaiCat]

Gah. I don't get it.

Females, blood, vampires, month

[Kingofthemorlocks]

Two fellas from rural Minnesota walked into a pet shop in Minneapolis. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Sven.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of the big cliffs by a lake. At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the
100-foot drop and says: "Dis looks like a grand place."
He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: "Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."
BUT WAIT!!!! There's MORE!
PART TWO:
Moments later, Knut arrives up at the cliffs. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
"Hey, Ole. Watch dis," Knut says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the
cliff. Ole watches as half way down, Knut takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Knut continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."
BUT WAIT!!!! There's MORE!
PART THREE:
Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag out of which he pulls a chicken. Lars grasps the chicken by the legs holds it over his head and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock
and breaks his spine. Once more, Ole shakes his head.....

"First der was Sven with his budgie jumping.... den Knut
parrotshooting.... and now Lars is hengliding!"

[Indigo Violent]

A woman's planning a dinner party and she asks her husband, the night of, to run out and get her some snails for escargot. So he goes to this gourmet shop, where they give him a big paper bag of live snails. He decides to stop at the bar on the way home and have a beer or two. A beer becomes three or four, then seven or eight...anyway, he forgets all about getting the snails home until the bartender kicks him out.
As he's staggering up his front walk, he trips and spills the bag of snails all over. Then his wife opens the door and screams at him.
"I sent you out four hours ago for snails! Where the hell have you been?"
The guy looks at the snails crawling all over the sidewalk and says, "Come on guys, just a little further!"

[Honor]

Gah. I don't get it.

*snickers* Try this. The way I heard the punchline was "Same time next month?"

If that doesn't work, replace the V in Vampire with a T.

*****

A travelling saleswoman takes a wrong turn and finds herself deep in the country and low on gasoline.

She stops at a farmhouse where the widower farmer is not only kind enough to sell her some gas he keeps around and give her directions back to where she's going, but offers a late meal and a bed for the night, since it's getting so late.

During the late supper, she meets the farmer's two sons, who are of classic heartland farmer stock... Fine and firm, but none too bright. She's polite and engaging, of course, but no more.

As he's walking her to her room, the farmer takes a serious tone and tells her "There is one thing... I saw the way you looked at my boys, and while I don't hold your background against you, ain't neither of them ever been with a woman, and I don't want them corrupted by your sinful citified ways. Please keep to your own room tonight, if you'd be so kind."

She smiles at his quaintness while she fights the laughter trying to escape her, and assures him, as fine as the boys are, she's far too tired to do any sinning tonight.

And that would have been that, she told herself all night while she tried to sleep... If he hadn't put the fool idea in her head. As it was, though, she found she could think of little else, and the idea of a little romp that bore a hint of conquest simply would not leave her alone....

So, at length, she found herself creeping along the hallway until she found the boys' room.

"How would you two like to learn the facts of life tonight?" she asked them.

After some small amount of consideration, one nodded and the other said "I reckon that'd be nice."

"Allright," she said as she produced two condoms "but I don't want to get pregnant... So you'll both have to wear these rubber things on your peckers. Ok?"

They both nodded their consent, and after preparing them and fitting them with their protection, she wore them both out good and proper, and returned to her own bed, a bit poorer for sleep, but very satisfied with herself none the less. In the morning, she shared a quick breakfast with the family, and some very subtle, knowing smiles with the boys, and went on her way without incident.


The boys eventually inherited the farm from their father and lived there together all their days... They had good years and bad, and a few mild adventures here and there, but they always remembered the city girl with a fond smile, as their brightest shining memory. One evening, as they were both nearing their twilight years, they sat together on the porch, sharing homemade beer and smoking corncob pipes, and one said to the other:

"Jacob? you remember that city girl...?"

"Yes, Joseph. I sure do."

That was all that they ever said of it. The memory was still fresh and new, and both typically got a slightly distant, but pleased look about them. But tonight, Joseph had more to say.

"Do you really care if she gets pregnant?"

After thinking a couple minutes, Jacob replied "Nope. I don't reckon I do."

"Me neither." said Joseph. "What do you say we take these damned rubber things off our peckers?"

[Dudegirl]

You put the peanut in the Peanut hole. Aaaaahahahaha*snort*
Ok here's my real joke it's not about Tenticle monsters though:

There was this American Indian Cheif that got real sick so one of the little indian men went to the doctor and said "Big Cheif, no fart". So the doc sent him away with some pills.
The next day the little indian came back saying "Big Cheif, no fart". So the doc gave him more pills.
The next day the Indian came back saying: "Big Cheif no fart." So the doc sent him away with some dynomite...
The next day the wee Indian came back saying: "Big fart...no Cheif..."

[Awkwardschoolgirl]

If that doesn't work, replace the V in Vampire with a T.

Hahahaha... Best way to explain it...


Also, thanks to everyone for the jokes, they cheered me up a lot. Keep 'em coming if you've got 'em! I'm still amazed that no one's given a tentacle monster joke, knowing this crowd. Maybe if Squiddy comes across this thread he can grant my wish?

[Error of Logic]

This is not so much a joke as an idea I got a while back which made me chuckle briefly ...

Imagine that tentacle monsters have their own world. They have their own language, which involves inserting a tentacle into a suitable orifice and depositing a liquid containing enzymes grouped in a specific pattern; the receiving tentacle monster can divulge meaning from those enzymes.
One day, lo and behold, tentacle monsters detect radio waves and television signals coming from a farway planet.
Some hard work later, they reveal that the creatures of said planet appear to be bipeds with just four limbs and a rather odd anatomy which lacks flexibility. Nevertheless, in the spirit of intergalactic fraternity, they send a small ship with some of their most dedicated diplomats over for first contact.
A while later, the ship returns. The high glorbat (ruler) personally welcomes back his diplomats. "So, how did it go?" he asks of the head diplomat.
"It was rather confusing," the diplomat replies. "They didn't seem too interested in first contact at first, they just ran. Eventually we caught some and tried to open a dialogue. Let me tell you, those people are horribly incummunicative! It took us forever to open communications, they thrashed around so much, and we really didn't know which was the correct orifice.
But the really weird thing is, they didn't start talking back until after we'd let them go. See?" The head diplomat presents some bullets. "They have automated communication devices! The people we communicated with first came back with them and they were suddenly chatty as Hell. They all look the same, so we felt we could come home.
Now all we need to do is decode their reply to our fraternal greetings and we're all set for intergalactic peace and brotherhood!"

[Cuteswan]

Hey, Error, I like the way you can put yourself in another's place. Now we just need to think of some punchlines... Hmmm, I wonder how they mate.

Actually, should we even call them tentacle "monsters" or is there a kinder (and, yes, more PC) term?

Okay, I'm not one who usually tells George W. Bush jokes, but here goes:

Several weeks ago, Bush, Rice, Rumsfeld, and the Jont Chiefs were having the daily briefing. The aid explained the previous days' activities in Iraq, ending with, "Oh, and three Brazillian soldiers were killed yesterday."

"Oh my God," Bush gasped. He lowered his head and rubbed his forehead, more distraught than anyone had ever seen. "Man, that's horrible. The poor families..."

Everyone sat there in stunned silence at his reaction. Finally, he leaned over to Dr. Rice and whispered, "Exactly how many is a brazillion?"

[Gengar003]

... That so needs to be made into a strip! That's awesome!

[Kenryoku]

Three guys walk into a bar ...
... you think one of them would have seen it.

A Irish beer walks into an American bar ...
... bartender looks at it and says "Hey, we dont serve your kind here."

There, Im happy.

[Lictor]

A guy walks int a doctors office:-

"Doctor! Doctor! There's half a lettuce leaf sticking out of my arse. I'm worried it's just the tip of the iceberg!"

[Kenryoku]

Oh, that reminds me of another.

A psychologist quietly reads a book waiting for his next patient. His door opens and in walks a man wrapped neck to toe in see-through plastic wrap and nothing else on. The psychologist closes his book, takes off his glasses, looks at the man and says, "Sir, I can clearly see your nuts."

[Honor]

Okay, I'm not one who usually tells George W. Bush jokes, but...

True. George W. Bush is the one who usually tells George W. Bush jokes.


It's a little rare (I'm thankful it's not very rare) I actually erput in wildly loud and uncontrolled laughter, but this one did that to me.

So then I told it to my room-mate and she laughs and says she's heard it... From a co-worker, Roberto... A Brazillian.

[Cuteswan]

It's a little rare (I'm thankful it's not very rare) I actually erput in wildly loud and uncontrolled laughter, but this one did that to me.

Then we're even, fellow seeker of the city's nipple stands.

[Unholy]

-Q: what did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
-A: see you next month
(My dad told me that when I was four!)

Good God you poor child!
But then again I doubt you really got the joke when you were four so its not really that bad.

Two guys go out camping. One of them decides to go to the bathroom and heads for the bushes. Seconds later he screams. His friend rushes over.
"What happened?"
" I got bit on the dick by a rattle snake!" And sure enough there are the fang marks.
"I'll drive downt he road to that payphone we saw and call a doctor." So he gets into the truck and drives down to the payphone and calls a hospital.
"Doctor my friend just got bit on the dick by a rattlesnake! What do we do?"
"You're going to have to cut two cross shapes on the bite and suck out the poison or your friend will die."
The man hangs up the phone and drives back to his friend.
"What did the doctor say?"
"He says you're going to die."
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Mother, father and young son are visiting the circus. The elephants walk out into the circus ring and the little boy says to his mother, "What's that?"

"That's the elephant's tail," she replies.

"No, under the tail," says the youngster.

The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh, nothing."

The boy turns to his father and repeats the same question.

His father looks and says, "That's the elephant's penis, son."

"So, why did mum say it was nothing?" asks the boy.

The father draws himself up to his full height and says, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."