REALLY baaaad pickup lines...

Squidflakes · Post by **Squidflakes** » Thu Mar 30, 2006 2:18 pm

All this pick-up line business reminds me of my buddy Dewy, and his fantastic powers of panty removal.

Dewy is currently 58, and about as dorky looking as one can get. He's 6' 9" and maybe 200lbs after a huge meal. He's mostly bald, but has the Picard Ring of grey hair, and wears these thick coke-bottle glasses with black Birth Control frames. His normal attire is a pair of dirty, worn-out cut-off shorts, a faded hawaiian shirt that's completely unbuttoned, and a pair of hand made sandals he's been wearing since he was a psy-ops officer in Viet Nam.

For the most part, Dewy can blend in to any crowd, and comes off as completely non-descript. For someone of his height, its really easy to loose him in a crowd, but there is one unmistakable sign that Dewy is around, and that is a ring of half-naked women surrounding a ring of naked women, surrounding Dewy.

One other item Dewy is never without is his trusty video camera, and when Dewy holds that thing aloft, a beam of pure pornographic energy shoots from the heavens and renders any woman within 50 feet unable to keep her clothing on her body. Its one of the most amazing things I've ever seen.

Dewy could go ANYWHERE and come back with hours of video of women flashing, jiggling, bouncing, mastrubating, and in some cases, making out with other women. Verily, he was unto a god, and I followed him to many a strange place when I was a younger squid.

His big secret was to just keep talking, keep gently prodding, and be completely and totally unafraid.

Indigo Violent · Post by **Indigo Violent** » Thu Mar 30, 2006 2:19 pm

gealachtine wrote:flirting is the game in the service industry.

I disagree. It's one thing to be nice to the person handing you your coffee, something else entirely to hit on someone who's in no position to escape. Also, they're at work - they have other things to do than be coquettish.

Trivia: a machiatto - anyone know what that actually is and what the word translates from Italian into English as?

Is it cheating if I answer this? Oh well. It means "stained". The shot is poured into the milk instead of vice versa.

It definitely doesn't come in a large (what's SB's special name for that size?) and there is no caramel or flavors in it at all.

Venti. (The story goes that originally, there were two sizes - short and tall. Then, since this is North America and all, people started wanting something bigger, so SB introduced grande, which in turn was upped by the ultra-large venti size. Hence the ridiculous names.)
Incidentally, they now make marble machiattos at Starbucks - white chocolate syrup with dark chocolate drizzle. I haven't had one (since I don't work there anymore and I can't afford it) but I'm told they're tasty.

Aeridus · Post by **Aeridus** » Thu Mar 30, 2006 2:36 pm

Dewy sounds like he used to work for Girls Gone Wild...

Gealachtine · Post by **Gealachtine** » Thu Mar 30, 2006 3:02 pm

Indigo Violent wrote:
gealachtine wrote:flirting is the game in the service industry.
I disagree. It's one thing to be nice to the person handing you your coffee, something else entirely to hit on someone who's in no position to escape. Also, they're at work - they have other things to do than be coquettish.
Trivia: a machiatto - anyone know what that actually is and what the word translates from Italian into English as?
Is it cheating if I answer this? Oh well. It means "stained". The shot is poured into the milk instead of vice versa.
It definitely doesn't come in a large (what's SB's special name for that size?) and there is no caramel or flavors in it at all.
Venti.

First, you've got me wrong - I'm a barista and have been for about 8 years. Flirting Is my business or else I don't get regulars or tips. If I don't have time to make a customer feel unique and good about themselves, I shouldn't be working in the industry. The customer is the Most Important Person at your job - your boss and co-workers can suck all, without customers you wouldn't have a job.

Second - Starbucks teachs people what different types of coffees are incorrectly. Machiatto literally means "Mark of Milk" there is only a splash of milk in a traditional machiatto, it comes in a turkish coffee cup (teeny) with 2 shots of espresso and that's it.

What you have at Starbucks is a backwards latte with lots of schmutz.

I've worked with roasters, Italian afficiados, Middle Eastern shops and have used everything from the crappypushbutton machines to a traditional $50K Italian pull. I adore coffee, it's the one thing I can lose myself in and enjoy the looks of ecstasy on people's faces when they drink one of my cuppas.

I hate Starbucks and all they stand for - I'm always trying to pull their employees to the side of the small business Jedi...come to the light, Carolanne. Oh wait that's not right...heheheheh.

Oh and Squiddy - your friend sounds dreamy...like R. Crumb dreamy. No wonder, I'd take off my clothes and I'm not like that!

Goddessmisca · Post by **Goddessmisca** » Thu Mar 30, 2006 4:27 pm

gealachtine wrote:
Second - Starbucks teachs people what different types of coffees are incorrectly. Machiatto literally means "Mark of Milk" there is only a splash of milk in a traditional machiatto, it comes in a turkish coffee cup (teeny) with 2 shots of espresso and that's it.

The first time I had turkish coffie I had an orgasm... no shit. I was at this hole in the wall resterant, and went to the bathroom. When I got back my parents said "we have a surprise for you" and there was this cup about the diamater of a quater at the top and MAYBE 3/4" tall at my seat of black steamy liquid. I sipped it... and YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMMY!!

Sadly, I've never had it since ;_;

(I also got a full refund the first time I got a machiatto at a starbucks and threw a temper tantrum.)

Honor · Post by **Honor** » Thu Mar 30, 2006 4:40 pm

gealachtine wrote:...like R. Crumb dreamy.

Oh, yeah... Nothing's sexier than a nasty, boorish, little misogynistic heathen troll who looks as bad as you expect him to smell... Unless it's that same nasty little troll, but with a penchant for drawing very, very badly. Why, normally one has to visit a combination halfway house & homeless shelter in a crack neighborhood that borders on a nuclear waste dump to find a man of that calibre.

You consistantly say things that just -slay- me. We gotta hang out together sometime.

E~Man wrote: Damn!

Honor, please, please, tell us what your secret is.

gealachtine wrote: I'm going to take a guess here,

Honor is good-looking, confident and experienced. She knows what she wants and she doesn't hesitate in going for it. Most people are powerless to say "No" to that kind of talent and charm.

I'd say that's pretty close. I have been accused of being very physically attractive, but I honestly don't see it. I'd say putting my looks at "average" would be generous.

Some people think I'm pretty funny, too... that's important sometimes. There are plenty of situations where 'funny' is the last thing you want to be, but if you look at singles ads, it seems to me men almost never say they're looking for a good sense of humor, women almost always do. This doesn't mean men don't like a sense of humor, but it does mean it's important enough to women to list in a limited-space environment as one of the most important things to have.

I think being intelligent, articulate, and quick-witted helps, but mostly, I think it's the sense of confidence.

While I don't care for my looks, I don't allow that to bother me, or hinder me... I kind of work on the assumption that people will like me, and I tend to be surprised when occasionally, someone doesn't. I don't recall ever looking at someone I find attractive and thinking "Oh, she'd never go out with me."

A lot of women find confidence and a sense of comfortable authority extremely attractive.

gealachtine wrote:...I hate Starbucks and all they stand for...

Starbucks makes 100% of it's political contributions to democrats & the democratic party... And they do a lot of 'green' and otherwise progressive 'good works' so it'd be pretty hard for me to say I hate everything they stand for.

I'm not very brand loyal, though... I'll lavish money on any establishment that can give me a large glass of mocha frappucino with a pump of cinamon dolce syrup and a mocha drizzle on top... Or something I can't tell from one.

E~Man · Post by **E~Man** » Thu Mar 30, 2006 5:59 pm

Honor wrote:
I have been accused of being very physically attractive, but I honestly don't see it. I'd say putting my looks at "average" would be generous.

...

I think being intelligent, articulate, and quick-witted helps, but mostly, I think it's the sense of confidence.

I'll have to vigorously disagree with you describing your beauty as "average"...

I've visited your 'site and seen your pictures and damnit you ARE "very physically attractive" and nothing will convince me otherwise!

The combination of your beauty with being "intelligent, articulate, quick-witted" and confident makes you devastatingly irresistable

UgghTheCaveman · Post by **UgghTheCaveman** » Thu Mar 30, 2006 6:11 pm

Best working (in multiple attempts) line I ever used was to walk up to the chick at the meat-market club who's surrounded by guys, lock eyes for a half second, lean in, and say loud enough to be heard "You are just too damned pretty, and move too damned well to have to put up with tis sort of bullshit to get a night out dancing", then walk away without another look or word...sometimes I had to hang out, and stay "unattatched" until closing, other times, they'd find me within 15-30 minutes, and spend the rest of the night hanging out with me before we ended up head9ing out for breakfast and THEN one of our places...I'd say I batted about .850 with this one, with half the "misses" being due to failing to stay "unattatched", and the other half being me having inadvertantly done something to turn them off HARD after they'd hunted me down in the crowd.

Archon Divinus · Post by **Archon Divinus** » Thu Mar 30, 2006 10:01 pm

Error of Logic wrote:Unless it's a very, very special tongue, that probably requires a girl who is not entirely in her right mind at the moment ...

It's really long. The offer was pretty much a joke, and I never actually bothered trying to get the $5, but I think it's the worst pick-up line ever.

Honor · Post by **Honor** » Fri Mar 31, 2006 1:20 am

E~Man wrote: I'll have to vigorously disagree with you describing your beauty as "average"...

I've visited your 'site and seen your pictures and damnit you ARE "very physically attractive" and nothing will convince me otherwise!

The combination of your beauty with being "intelligent, articulate, quick-witted" and confident makes you devastatingly irresistable

...thank you...

Gealachtine · Post by **Gealachtine** » Fri Mar 31, 2006 3:36 am

(you all saw the warning of my verbosity, right?

)

Honor wrote:You consistantly say things that just -slay- me. We gotta hang out together sometime.

Well, once I get my car fixed - AZ isn't that far away. Maybe I'll pop down and say hi. I tend to get paid and say "Well, who's for a 3000 mile road trip in 5 days? Anyone? No? I'll go it alone then." It pays to not be materialistic at times, killed my car driving 16k in less than a year.

honor wrote:
gealachtine wrote:...I hate Starbucks and all they stand for...
Starbucks makes 100% of it's political contributions to democrats & the democratic party... And they do a lot of 'green' and otherwise progressive 'good works' so it'd be pretty hard for me to say I hate everything they stand for.

I'm not very brand loyal, though...

I don't know any more. I refuse to back Democrats, they've turned spineless (just look at the BS of no one backing up Feingold) and I'm not sure donating to good works makes up for putting 12 stores in a 2 mile radius. It's like saying "Hey! We're part of the Corporate Whore, but we'll put the money into something which will cause people to look the other way for raping their wallets and squashing the local Mom&Pop stands."

But then, I've been accused of being "too" liberal before and I'm extremely grass-roots. Besides, their coffee looks, smells and tastes burnt.

I'm not brand loyal, just good beans loyal. My favorite: Ethiopian Harrar.
I'll have to make you something extra yummy sometime, the difference is orgasmic.

Oh, and I'm totally with E~Man. Without knowing you before hand, I would stammer, stutter, turn red and run away flustered. I'm way too shy around the women I'm attracted to and never get up the nerve to talk to any of them, let alone hit on them.

Squidflakes · Post by **Squidflakes** » Fri Mar 31, 2006 7:15 am

and that's what makes all the difference. If you can actually go up and talk to people you're attracted to, the chances of you doing anything with that person go up by 100%.

I know this thread is about bad pick-up lines, but I would just like the throw out one of the best pick up lines ever.

"Hi!"

Swordsman3003 · Post by **Swordsman3003** » Fri Mar 31, 2006 7:16 am

I've never tried to ask a girl out....is it that hard?

Aeridus · Post by **Aeridus** » Fri Mar 31, 2006 7:20 am

The trick is to not fear rejection and roll with the punches, I think.

Me, I'm weird... girls ask *me* out. There's only been a few girlfriends but it's still better than none.

Squidflakes · Post by **Squidflakes** » Fri Mar 31, 2006 7:20 am

swordsman3003 wrote:I've never tried to ask a girl out....is it that hard?

No. Not at all. Go up to them, introduce yourself "Hi, I'm <your name here>. You're quite attractive and I'd like to get to know you better. Would you like to get <coffee/lunch/dinner/a drink> with me sometime?"

And if she says no. Smile, and say something polite. A good first impression, even if the girl doesn't take you up on your offer, is always a plus.

Shirt Guy Xom · Post by **Shirt Guy Xom** » Fri Mar 31, 2006 7:22 am

You can always use the tried and true caveman approach:

-find woman
-take woman
-hump woman

Error of Logic · Post by **Error of Logic** » Fri Mar 31, 2006 7:58 am

After which
1) get arrested by police
2) get thrown in jail cell for long time
3) be treated as you treated woman by cellmates

Kingofthemorlocks · Post by **Kingofthemorlocks** » Fri Mar 31, 2006 10:24 am

I used to be shoe-scrapings to girls, and now I'm dating a bisexual nymphomaniac who squirts when she orgasms, loves to give blowjobs, and swallows. My secret?

Stop trying.

Seriously.

When I actively pursued women, nothing fruitful ever came of it. When I stopped trying, when I sat there and read a book instead of chasing after them, they started hitting on me. I've had my ass slapped by random girls walking by.

I'll admit, my first experience with a girl hitting on me ended...how should I put this...nightmarishly. The girl had no sense of hygiene and called my house constantly. I put up with her for three days and finally told her to get the hell away from me. Which resulted in three "threat-mantic" messages on our answering machine and her telling me how much she fucking hated me the next day. Then she was more or less over it, though she continued to tell all her friends how she was still with me, and when Christine came into my life, she told them that I was cheating on Christine with her.

At least, she told these filthy lies until Christine beat the living shit out of her.

And now I'm in an extremely happy relationship with a bisexual nymphomaniac who squirts when she orgasms, loves to give blowjobs, and swallows.

I win.

Kingofthemorlocks · Post by **Kingofthemorlocks** » Fri Mar 31, 2006 10:34 am

Oh, and as for really baaaaaad pick-up lines...

(written on a scrap of paper)
"U want 2 go out?"

Indigo Violent · Post by **Indigo Violent** » Fri Mar 31, 2006 10:52 am

gealachtine wrote:I'm not sure donating to good works makes up for putting 12 stores in a 2 mile radius. It's like saying "Hey! We're part of the Corporate Whore, but we'll put the money into something which will cause people to look the other way for raping their wallets and squashing the local Mom&Pop stands."

True, I find it bloody annoying how many Starbucks are around, and I usually go to the local places (that haven't been stomped out of business yet), but I don't blame Starbucks for this. They found a formula that works and they capitalised on it.
No, who I blame are the people who make that kind of behavior profitable. Starbucks wouldn't put up stores across the street from each other if people stopped buying their coffee. They build where there's demand, and people flock to it.