Laugh, damn you. -_-

[Kittyboymuffin]

This.

[RevChris77]

Two couples were playing poker one evening when John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"

Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well, indeed he did. "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500," said Sue.

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband, Bill, works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill' s house at 2 p.m. sharp and, after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500, they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.

As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"

With a lump in her throat Sue answered, "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"

In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500".

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good. I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

[Churba]

Something I whipped up for the geeknights forum.

[RevChris77]

Mildred was so despondent over the death of her beloved Earl after 68 wonderful years of marriage that she decided to join him. She found his old pistol and decided to shoot herself in her broken heart. Not wanting to make a mistake and become a burden to others, she asked her doctor exactly where her heart was.

Her doctor said, "A woman's heart is just below her left breast."

That night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a bullet wound to her left knee!

==-==

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons.

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genital, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.

"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up, "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

=-===

The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp, then he threw the glass into the air and shot it with his handgun. As he set the handgun on the bar, he told the Canadian and the Australian that in the great U.S. of A, they had so much money they never drank out of the same glass twice.

Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the air and shot the glass with the American's gun. As he was setting the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in Australia they had so much sand that glass was cheap and he too never drank out of the same glass twice.

Next the Canadian drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the bar, and shot the American. As he was setting the gun back on the bar, he told the Australian that in Canada we have so many Americans you never have to drink with the same one twice.

===-=

A woman tells her friend she's received a bunch of flowers from her husband.

"I suppose I'll have to spend the entire weekend on my back with my legs in the air," she says.

To which her friend replies, "Why don't you just use a vase instead?"

[RevChris77]

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea. "Do you enjoy it?" the doctor asked.

"Actually, yes, I do," said the woman.

"Does it hurt you?" he asked.

"No. I rather like it," she responded.

"Well, then," the doctor continued, "there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant."

The woman was mystified. "What?! You can get pregnant from anal sex?"

"Of course," the doctor replied. "Where do you think lawyers and politicians come from?"

[RevChris77]

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees, and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

Her husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

==-=-==

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then, I'd like to phone a friend."

[RevChris77]

Blonde Joke No. 263

A blonde gets a job as a teacher. During recess, she notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him. "You OK?" she asks.

"Yes," he says.

"You can go and play with the other kids, you know," she says.

"It's best I stay here," he says.

"Why?" asks the blonde.

And the boys says: "Because I'm the f*cking goalie!"

[RevChris77]

I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam.

His new blonde nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes. After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. While waiting I observed that there were three items on a stand next to the exam table: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove and a beer.

When the doctor finally came in I said, "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the BEER is for?"

At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. He flung it open and yelled to his nurse, "Damn it, Evelyn! I said a 'BUTT LIGHT' "

==-==

Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.

==-==

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, " Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.

[Orwell]

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, " Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.

Those first two were good, but man.... Thanks Chris, I haven't had quite a laugh like that in a long time.

[RevChris77]

A nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, "Bartender! I want to buy that ballerina a drink!"

The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After she's finished the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit saying, "What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"

Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, "Bartender! I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!"

After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and says, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?"

The drunk replies, "Sir! In my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!"

[RevChris77]

Smithy, The Sniffer Dog

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the airplane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looks quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane? The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a "sniffer dog". "His name is Smithy and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."

The plane takes, and once it has leveled out, the agent says: "Watch this," and he tells Smithy to "search".

Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm. The agent says, "Good boy", and he turn to the man next to him and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her at the airport when we land."

"Say, that pretty neat," said the first man.

Once again the agent sends Smithy to search the aisle. The Labrador sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, then returns to his seat and, this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" says the other man.

The agent tells Smithy to "search again". Smithy walks up and own the aisle for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to shit all over the seat.

The first man is really stunned by this behavior and can't figure how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent, "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!"

[RevChris77]

1. My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. "What's on TV?" she asked.

"Dust," I said ...

And then the fight started.

2. My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her bathroom scales...

And then the fight started...

3. I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?" ...

And then the fight started....

[RevChris77]

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall. "Excuse me," said the man. "I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, "Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?"

"I have no idea, but any time I talk to a pretty young woman like you, she seems to appear out of nowhere."

[RevChris77]

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favor, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed. "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you." Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike ... Mike."

"Who is it?" asks Mike, suddenly sitting up. "Who is it?"

"Mike ... it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died," says Mike.

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice.

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike .

"The good news," Joe says, "is that there's rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," says Mike . "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"

"You're on the team for Tuesday's match!"

[RevChris77]

A cannibal father and son went hunting. Deep in the jungle, they hid beside a trail. Soon, a little old man walked by. The son whispered, "Dad! There's one. Let's get him!"

"No," said his father. "Not enough meat. We wait."

Later, a fat man came along. "Dad! He's huge. Let's get him!"

"No," his father said. "We'd all have heart attacks from all the fat in him. We wait."

Hours later, an absolutely gorgeous woman approached. "Dad! There's nothing wrong with that one. Let's eat her."

"No," said his father. "We'll not eat her either."

"Why not?"

"We'll take her home alive and eat your mother!"

[RevChris77]

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly, you're in bed with a relative.

===

Why is it we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

===

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

===

I saw a young woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "implants?" She hit me.

===

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail; but a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn ... That was fun!"

[WangyJohn]

Why is it we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

That is a good question.

[RevChris77]

Barry was hired to play trumpet on a movie score and was thrilled when he got to take two long solos. After the sessions, he couldn't wait to see the finished product. He waited a month and then asked the producer when and where it was going to play.

The embarrassed producer explained that the music was for a porno movie and it was out now.

Barry put on a hat and sunglasses, pulled up his collar, and sneaked into the porno theater. He sat far in the back, near an elderly couple who were also hiding.

The movie was the filthiest, most perverse flick he'd ever seen.... halfway through a dog even got in on the action.

Embarrassed, Barry whispered to the old couple, "I'm only here for the music."

The woman looked back and whispered, "It's okay. We're just here to see our dog!"

[RevChris77]

Little Johnny's mother was shocked to catch her young son masturbating. She sat him down and had a talk with him. "Honey, you want to be a good boy, right? Well, good little boys save that until they're married."

A few weeks later, she had another talk with Little Johnny. "So, John, how are you doing with that problem we talked about, dear? Are you 'saving it' for marriage?"

Little Johnnie pulled a jar out from under his bed. "I'm doing great, Mom! So far, I've got nearly a quart!"

[Aeridus]

I seriously wonder if there are guys who save *masturbation* for marriage.