Laugh, damn you. -_-

[Wipperwill]

Very good Rev. Some of the stuff you post is makes me laugh until I cry.

[Lowky]

I want to make the revs last post into a checklist.

[RevChris77]

[RevChris77]

There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.

About a week after a new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you"re laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week."

================

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it at that.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I would like to offer my condolences onyour great loss. "The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.

"Oh, no," he says, "Everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

================

Children's books you will NOT see:

* "You Were an Accident"
* "Strangers Have the Best Candy"
* "The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
* "Some Kittens Can Fly!"
* "The Protocols of the Grandpas of Zion"
* "How to Dress Sexy for Grownups"
* "Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"
* "Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"
* "Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
* "The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North America"
* "All Dogs Go to Hell"
* "The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
* "When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It"
* "Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
* "What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
* "Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"
* "Bi-Curious George"
* "Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
* "Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver"
* "You Are Different and That's Bad"
* "Why God Burned Down Disney Land"

================

You Know You"re Drinking Too Much Coffee When...

* You answer the door before people knock.
* You ski uphill
* You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
* You speed walk in your sleep.
* You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
* You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
* You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
* You sleep with your eyes open.
* You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
* You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
* You lick your coffeepot clean.
* You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.
* Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
* The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
* Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."
* You"re so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.
* You can type sixty words per minute... with your feet.
* You can jump-start your car without cables.
* Cocaine is a downer.
* All your kids are named "Joe".
* Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
* You don't sweat, you percolate.
* You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
* You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
* Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.
* You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
* People get dizzy just watching you.
* You've worn the finish off your coffee table.
* The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.
* Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
* Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
* You"re so wired, you pick up AM radio.
* People can test their batteries in your ears.
* Your life's goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
* Instant coffee takes too long.
* You channel surf faster without a remote.
* When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."
* You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
* You want to come back as a coffee mug in your next life.
* Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
* You'd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
* You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
* You"re offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
* You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
* You get drunk just so you can sober up.
* You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
* Your Thermos is on wheels.
* Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
* You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
* You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
* You short out motion detectors.
* You have a conniption over spilled milk.
* You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
* Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
* You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.
* You don't tan, you roast.
* You don't get mad, you get steamed.
* Your lover uses soft lights, romantic music and iced coffee to get you in the mood.
* You can't even remember your second cup.
* You help your dog chase its tail.
* You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
* Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
* You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
* You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation."
* Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup

================

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.

"Hit him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"

================

A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a "guaranteed" weight loss program.

"Guaranteed like heck," he thinks to himself. "But let's see what they think they can do."

He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 pound weight loss program. The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike's and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "if you can catch me, you can have me."

Well without a second thought he takes off after her (like who wouldn't). A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through, he thinks to himself with a nod, "I like the way this company does business."

For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself, and sure enough he has lost 10 pounds.

Deciding that he likes his somewhat slender physique, not to mention the method of "treatment", he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 pound weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their "workout" schedule might be like this time.

As expected, the next day, there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it, there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reebok's and a sign around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads "if you can catch me, you can have me."

He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he does it is worth every cramp and wheeze. He is really looking forward to the next four days. For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievable, he has lost another 20 pounds. "I love this company," he thinks to himself, I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun!"

Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the company's 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program.

"Are you sure, sir?" asks the representative on the phone.

"This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," says he, "I love your program. I haven't felt this good in years!"

The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200 pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If I can catch you, I can have you."

[RevChris77]

A blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her. "My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love and your prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to commend you and to grant you anything you wish."

"Oh, Father, I am perfectly happy. I do what I love. The Church supports me. I am content. I need nothing."

"There must be something you would like," said God.

"Well, there is one thing."

"Name it," said God.

She frowned. "It's those blonde jokes. They're so demeaning, not just to me but to blondes everywhere. Can you stop them?"

"Consider it done," said God. "Blonde jokes are hereby stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But isn't there something I could do just for you?"

"Well, there's one thing. But it's really small and not worth Your time," she said.

"Tell me, please!" said God.

"It's the M&M's," she said. "They're so hard to peel!"

[WangyJohn]

* "The Little Sissy Who Snitched"

Well, celebrity childrens books are all the rage, so maybe that one's by Snoop Dogg.

Hmm, I propose a competition; celebrity childrens book titles!

George michael - Uncle George's Toilet Guide

[RevChris77]

A man goes into a restaurant and in minutes of sitting down a waitress asks him what he wants for his meal. He replies "Yes thanks. I will have a quickie."

The waitress slaps the man across his face and walks away. The man is stunned and has no clue why the waitress did this so he asks another waitress and he asks if he can have a quickie. The waitress again slaps him around the face. He asks another waitress over and again the same thing happens.

At this time a man from the next table leans over and says "I think you'll find it's called quiche."

=================

Father Paul, an elderly and somewhat sheltered priest, was walking through town when he met a street-walker. She decided to have some fun with him and asked, "How about a quickie Father? Only $20 bucks."

Somewhat puzzled by this he declined and headed back to the church. Entering the Rectory he saw the Mother Superior and decided to ask her what this was all about. "What's a 'quickie' Mother Superior?"

She replies, "$20 bucks, same as in town Father."

=================

There was a church that had a very large-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played. Unfortunately she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons and put them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size. She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday".

[RevChris77]

A blonde goes into the dry cleaners to have her sweater cleaned. She asks the clerk, "How much?"

He doesn't hear her correctly and says "Come again?"

She giggles and says "No...it's just mustard this time."

===

This guy walks into a story and tries to buy some dog food. The cashier, however, is a real Emerson and gives him a hard time. "Do you have a dog?" Asks the cashier.

"Yeah" says the man.

"Well where is it?"

"At home"

"Well, unless I see a dog, I'm not selling you any dog food." says the cashier.

The next day the guy comes in and tries to buy some cat food. Unfortunately, he meets the same cashier. "You got a cat?" asks the cashier.

"Of course I do. It's at home." Says the guy.

"Well, unless I see a cat, you don't get the cat food."

The third day the man walks in with a paper sack. "Reach in," he tells the cashier.

The cashier does this and says "It's warm, soft, and kinda sticky."

"I need some toilet paper" says the guy.

===

Descartes walks into a cafe and sits down ready to order. A waiter comes up to him and asks, "Do you need a menu?"

Descartes replies, "I think not," and disappears!

===

How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to hold the ladder and the other to screw in the penis. I mean light bulb!! I mean light bulb!!

===

A man takes his daughter to see the gynecologist.

The doctor asks if the girl is sexually active.

The father says "No, she mostly just lies still like her mother.

[Orwell]

Great stuff, keep it comin'!

[RevChris77]

In a job interview for policemen the applicants are shown a profile picture of a man, and the interviewer says, "The job that you're applying for requires powers of observation. Make one observation about this man."

The first applicant enters and says, "This man has just one ear."

"Get out!!" screams the interviewer.

The second applicant enters and says, "This man has one ear."

"Get out!!" screams the interviewer again.

Then the third applicant gets up to go in for his interview. The first two guys are out there and they tell him, "The guy that's giving the interview doesn't like to hear that the man in the picture has one ear."

"Thanks for the tip" says the third applicant.

So the third applicant enters, stares at the picture for a while and finally he says, "This man wears contact lenses."

The interviewer is impressed and says, "Excellent observation. Tell me, how could you tell?"

So the guy says, "Well, this man has just one ear, how could he wear glasses?"

[RevChris77]

THE DANGERS OF IRISH

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem". The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag." The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.

They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "Dis looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry. "Oh, yeh, dis looks good," replies Paddy.

They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss. "I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'. As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin' dangerous for me"

PART TWO

A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun.

Hi, Paddy. Watch this," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT!, as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom. Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshooting nider."

PART THREE

A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar 'peeper bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself of the cliff with the usual result. Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first der was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrot shooting and now you blimmin' hen gliding."

[Aeridus]

This product description for Schwetty Balls is the best I've ever read: http://www.stootsi.com/?refer=20081217

Recorded for posterity:
Up for sale today is one Brand New Schwetty Ball Sack (two schwetty balls in each sack). Now before we dive right into the details of Schwetty Balls, let me first explain that I usually prefer Titleist PRO VI's or Nike Platinums over Schwetty Balls. That being said, Schwetty Balls was eagerly welcomed at the PGA Fall Expo back in 2007, receiving ""Best New Product" for the balls' elegant dimple pattern, resulting in maximum distance and control.

Initially, I was skeptical of Schwetty Balls, so I called a few local pro shops inquiring about Schwetty Balls, and also spoke to a good friend of mine who is a golf pro. Most scoffed at the thought of Schwetty Balls providing longer, controlled distance shots, or "touch" around the green. I then proceeded to ask my golf pro buddy if he would consider playing in a Tri-State tournament with Schwetty Balls, to which he declined. Apparently he has a sponsorship with Taylor Made preventing him from playing with Schwetty Balls, or any other ball for that matter, other than Taylor Made. I hope he's getting paid a ton of money to play with their balls - if I was a pro I'd want to play with as many different balls as I could, so I could determine for myself which balls provided the best overall experience while I'm on the course.

Since I struck out with trying to get local pros to play with Schwetty Balls, I consulted with a few of my golf hacking buddies. Their reviews on Schwetty Balls was a mixed bag. Some said that Schwetty Balls gave them more confidence off the tee box. Others claimed significant improvements around the green, lowering their overall scores 3-4 strokes per round. Overall, most of my friends who had used Schwetty Balls seemed to enjoy the overall experience of playing golf with Schwetty Balls.

We know our customers are a sharp bunch. Reviews are one thing, long-drive tests are another. Being one of the only real avid golfers here at the Stootsi HQ, I decided to put Schwetty Balls to the test. And by test, I mean tee up directly at the warehouse roughly 300 yards across the street. Keep in mind, I have never actually played, chipped, or putted with Schwetty Balls. The warehouse guys claimed heresy when I informed them I have never played golf with Schwetty Balls (Titleist snob).

The experiment begins. We placed 10 salvage roombas from the warehouse along the pavement for a makeshift tee box, and wedged a dirty aquafina bottle in between the roombas for the tee. I placed one Schwetty Ball on top and took a few practice swings. I must say, even the touch and feel of Schwetty Balls was very nice. Smooth and dimpled. Even the weight seemed spot on. They weren't like those cheapo knock-offs you find in those big outlet stores in Myrtle Beach. The anticipation was tremendous. Mind racing, I blast my tee shot across the lawn with success. Long and straight, as usual. My first swing with Schwetty Balls was under my belt. My next 5 shots with Schwetty Balls were also bombs. The neighboring warehouse was pelted 4 out of 5 attempts with Schwetty Balls. Cinderella Story, the Stootsi Unknown, at Augusta, blasting drives with Schwetty Balls. The warehouse went nuts.

I wholeheartedly approve of playing golf with Schwetty Balls. If you, or someone you know, has never tried golfing with Schwetty Balls, buy these today. You can order as many as you'd like and only pay one shipping charge - two bucks. Stuffing stockings with Schwetty Balls will be a huge hit with your friends and relatives. Plus, they will know that you are seriously concerned with their golf game. The Schwetty Balls come pre-packaged in one nice Schwetty Ball Sack - very handy.

Once the weather turns green again, you'll be stroking these Schwetty Balls like you've never stroked before. Seriously.

Customer Testimonials

"Don't let the name fool you—Schwetty Balls go the distance and outlast any other balls I have played with. Thank you Scwetty Balls!" —Gunther L., Bridgman, Michigan

"With the right kind of shaft these balls can really take you far." - Coach O., New Brighton, Pennsylvania

"At first, I was skeptical of Schwetty Balls. Alas, I was proven wrong. Can you say Club Champion?" - Brad U., Sewickley, Pennsylvania

"I've lost so many balls going for the green in two on par 5's. Playing with Schwetty Balls gave me that extra oomph needed to fly ponds and lakes" - Duck G., Butler, Pennsylvania

"Extremely easy to cup - your putting average will drop immediately." - Al C., Ellwood City, Pennsylvania

"Cleaning Schwetty Balls was a cinch." - Greenskeeper., Cranberry Twp, Pennsylvania

"After years of playing with Top Flites I was no longer embarassed to let my friends know the balls I was playing with." - Jon D., Aliquippa, Pennsylvania

"I was so excited after my first two shots with Schwetty Balls that by the time my partner came on the green, I had already pocketed my balls and moved on to the next hole." - Hugh H., Los Angeles, California

"I used to have trouble staying straight, but with Schwetty Balls, I have no problem staying in the short grass." - Ellis C., Beaver, Pennsylvania

"Great balls, period. Schwetty Balls are the new rage on the course and in the clubhouse. Only downside is your wife might not be a huge fan - I bought 5 thousand - drain on the pocketbooks!1!1!" - 20 MPH., Granite, Pennsylvania

"They're so smooth, you'll probably want to wash your balls after every dirty hole they were in, and that can get kinda annoying" - Sea S. Scooter., Upstream, Pennsylvania

What You Get:

Today's Stootsi includes:
Two Schwetty Balls (L and R)
One Schwetty Ball Sack

[RevChris77]

The judge was in the holiday spirit when he asked the prisoner, "And what are you charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.

"That's no offense," said the judge. "Just how early were you?"

The prisoner replied, "Before the store opened!"

---=---

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?

It's Christmas, Eve!

---=---

Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney?
Because it soots him!

---=---

A married woman walks up to Santa Claus and tells him that all she wants for Christmas is for her husband to be interested in sex. Santa then proceeds to give her a bottle of pills. He tells her to give them a try and then let him know how it's working.

So she takes the pills home and puts one pill in her husband's Christmas dinner. That night, they make love for one hour. The next day, she's running around thrilled and happy. "Oh, my God. I can't believe how well that worked," she thinks to herself. That night she puts two pills in his food and that night they make love for two hours. The next day, she's even more thrilled, so she dumps all the pills in his food.

Two weeks go by without any word from this woman, so Santa decides to give her a call. A little boy answers the phone. Santa says, "Little boy, is your mother home?"

"No, she's...who's this?" the little boy asks. "I'm a friend of your mother's and I gave her some pills to help her out a couple of weeks ago. Maybe you know how it's going?"

"That was you?!" the little boy says. "Let me tell you -- Mom's dead, sister's pregnant, my ass hurts and Dad's in the attic going, 'Here kitty, kitty, kitty.' "

---=---

Frequently Asked Questions About Christmas


Q: If Santa doesn't have to age, then why has he become old?
A: He only appears to be old. He's an undercover kid.

Q: How can a sleigh possibly fly through the air?
A: If you were being pulled by eight flying reindeer, wouldn't you fly too?

Q: Why do we wish people a "Merry Christmas" instead of a "Happy Christmas"?
A: The two are about the same, but with "Merry Christmas" an extra twinkle is seen in the eyes.

Q: Why is a Christmas tree that has been chopped down called a "live Christmas tree?"
A: It's dead but doesn't know it, and yet it's having the time of its life.

Q: Why do we wrap our Christmas gifts with paper?
A: Because we like to see surprise and joy (real or kindly faked) in the recipients.

Q: How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?
A: Nowadays, only four angels can dance there. Formerly there was no limit, but OSHA passed the Angel Safety Law recently, which also requires that the pin must be inspected twice each year for structural defects.

Q: How many gifts can Santa Claus's bag hold?
A: One less than infinity. Why one less? Because there's a limit to everything.

Q: How could a star that is high in the sky lead the Wise Men to a tiny manger on the ground?
A: Wisely, toward the end of their journey they asked directions from someone on the road. Had they not been so wise, they might have missed the manger by several hundred miles. (That person on the road has never been identified.)

Q: Is there really a Mrs. Santa Claus?
A: The best way to know for sure is to ask Santa Claus next time you see him.

Q: Why do we hear so many bells at Christmas time?
A: Because so many people ring them.

Q: Why do so many people ring bells at Christmas time?
A: For the poor, for the joy, and because a bell can say what words can't say.

Q: What can't words say?
A: The moment you wake up on Christmas morning, listen carefully. You may hear then what words can't say.

---=---

In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered
me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.

Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"

---=---

It was Chanukah and the Tiny Village was in fear of not having any latkes because they had run out of flour. Rudi, the Rabbi was called upon to help solve the problem. He said, "Don't worry. You can substitute matzo meal for the flour and the latkes will be just as delicious!"

Sheila looks to her husband and says, "Morty...you think it'll work?"

"Of course! As everybody knows...Rudolph, the Reb, knows grain, dear!"

---=---

I was traveling to Seattle on business. Knowing how the weather is up there (and lacking the proper clothing), I went to a local outdoor shop for a inclement weather clothing. Not finding what I was looking for, I went to another. Then another. Finally, a salesman suggested that I go to Rudolph's.

"Rudolph's?" I said, surprised. "Do you mean the Russian specialty store?"

To which the salesman answered, "Rudolph the Red knows rain gear."

---=---

Once Horace Gold [my editor] went too far. He rejected a story of mine which he called "meretricious." The word is from the Latin meretrix, meaning "prostitute," so that the implication was that I was prostituting my talent and was writing a bad story that would get by on my name alone because I was too lazy to write a good one. (This was not true, by the way. This particular story was sold elsewhere and received considerable acclaim.)

Swallowing my annoyance, I said mildly, "What was that word you used?"

Obviously proud at knowing a word he felt I didn't know, Horace enunciated carefully, "Meretricious!"

Whereupon I said, "And a Happy New Year to you."

---=---

This weekend while shopping in a local toy store, I came across a long line of people waiting for a promised shipment of dolls from Mattel. As I scanned the line, I noticed a friend waiting with all the others. I knew my friend had no daughters or young relatives, so I figured he must like the dolls himself.

"Bill," I said going up to him, "I didn't know you were a collector!"

"I'm not," he replied.

"Oh," I said, "You're buying a gift, then."

"No, not at all," my friend responded.

"If you don't mind my asking then Bill," I said, "Why are you standing in this line?"

"Oh that," he answered. "It's like this," my friend stated, . . ."I've never been able to resist a barbie queue!"

---=---

Little Wendy is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas"?

Little Wendy replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe".

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken".

"No", said Wendy, "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken"

---=---

A youngster drew a Christmas scene that showed Santa, sleigh and reindeer. There were the regular eight and Rudolph plus a strange looking tenth animal. The addition looked like a cross between a reindeer and a cow with a green nose. The youngster explained that it was . . . Olive, the udder reindeer.

The same creative youngster drew a nativity scene in Sunday school. In addition to the normal contingent of characters, there were three very tiny men wearing crowns. He explained that they were . . . wee three kings from the Orient.

His baby Jesus was sleeping on a scale, his . . . a weigh in the manger.

The last bit of creativity showed three robed men standing in a flower bed under a full moon. They were . . . the shepherds who watched their Phlox by night.

---=---

Top Ten Elf Pickup Lines


1. "I'm down here"

2. Just because I've got bells on my shoes, doesn't mean I'm a sissy.

3. I was once a lawn ornament for 'NSynch. Want to meet them?

4. I can get you off Santa's naughty list.

5. I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys.

6. I'm a magical being. Can I try to make your top and bra disappear?

7. No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks over at Keebler.

8. Get an eyedropper of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man.

9. You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig.

10. I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners!

[Vedius Pollio]

Little Wendy is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas"?

Little Wendy replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe".

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken".

"No", said Wendy, "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken"

How dare you utter such treachery!

She comes with Cobra Commander.

[RevChris77]

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, "How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?"

The salesperson answers, "Which one do you mean, Sir?

We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95".

The amazed father asks: "It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: "Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls.

---=---

THE NEW BARBIE DOLLS

* White Trash Barbie: She's larger and meaner than them other prissy, stuck-up, think-they're-better-than-you Barbies! Now every girl can live the fantasy of ignorance and poverty with her special trailer-park friend. Every White Trash Barbie comes complete with: two packs of Marlboro Lights for Barbie's smoking pleasure, a six-pack of cheap beer to refresh Barbie during her busy day of bitching and watching TV, stylish, every occasion Spandex pants*, halter top and sandals (*Hot pants or blue jean cutoffs may be substituted on dolls shipped to Arkansas).

* Abusive Boyfriend Ken: With asskickn' leg action and pimpslap backhand. With cowboy boots and MD 20/20 bottle. Curses, mumbles when string is pulled.

* Married Life Ken: With Beer-bustin' expanding waist*. Molded to recliner. With TV remote, beer, chips. Says "Shut up woman," and "Git me a beer." (*Waist cannot be reduced once expanded).

* Aussie Barbie: This Barbie can run-down a 'roo, cook it for dinner, pick-up the kids, pull the leeches off the kids, change a tire on the Land Rover, wrestle a croc', make her own clothes, repair the roof, toss-out all the poisonous snakes from the house, and all before Ken comes stumbling home drunk.

* Bisexual Barbie: Comes in a package with Skipper and Ken.

* Melrose Place Barbie: Comes with her own Barbie Dream Apartment, where Skipper and the rest of the gang live together. Other accessories include a bottle of vodka, silk sheets, and an arrest warrant.

* Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman: This helpful doll offers other homesteaders important tips like what conditioner to use on the Plains, and how to take care of one's nails while shoeing a horse.

* America's Most Wanted Barbie: She's on the run after 30 years of crimes against feminism!

* Oprah Barbie: Push a button on her back and she actually speaks! Hold your very own talk show with topics like how tough math class really is, Ballerina Barbie's struggle with bulimia, Kens who wear Barbie's clothes.

* My So-Called Barbie: She faces the same troubling issues as teens who don't have huge wardrobes, perfect bods, pools, ponies and boyfriends.

* Roseanne Barbie: The dark side of the American Dream is explored with this doll, which shows what happens after Barbie graduated from high school, married too young and ate too much.

* Murder, Barbie Wrote: Whenever this elder states woman of the Barbie set (she's 27!) arrives in the playhouse, all the other dolls mysteriously disappear.

* Bifocals Barbie: Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

* Hot Flash Barbie: Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With hand-held fan and tiny tissues.

* Facial Hair Barbie: As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

* Cook's Arms Barbie: Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muu-muus are back! Cellulite cream and loofah sponge optional.

* Bunion Barbie: Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with this pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules. Colors: pink, rose, blush.

* No More Wrinkles Barbie: Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

* Soccer Mom Barbie: All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken Jr. With minivan in robin's egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

* Midlife Crisis Barbie: It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Cobra Commander (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."

* Single Mother Barbie: There's not much time for primping anymore! Ken's shacked up with the Swedish au pair in the Dream House and Barbie's across town with Babs and Ken Jr. in a fourth-floor walk-up. Barbie's selling off her old gowns and accessories to raise rent money. Complete garage sale kit included.

* Recovery Barbie: Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does 12 steps instead of dance steps! Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with little copy of The Big Book and six-pack of Diet Coke.

* Sister Mary Barbie: This spiritual Barbie comes with jointed knees and neck for genuflecting and praying, mini rosary beads, a mini bible and a black sequined nun's habit (after all, she's still Barbie). Pull the string on her back and she says nothing because she has taken a vow of silence.

* Admin Barbie: Works twenty hour days for little pay (80% of Admin Ken's salary), and is the lowest on the totem pole despite being the one that actually runs the group. Comes with mini laptop. Pull the string on her back and she'll schedule a meeting with your other dolls, replace the toner cartridge in the laser printer, co-ordinate a re-org and a move and order airline tickets for Admin Ken.

* Ripped-Off-In-The-Divorce-Settlement Barbie: Pull the string on her back and she unloads a torrent of insults and death threats for her ex's new wife. Comes with a hatred for all men, and a Malibu Barbie tan (except for a white band on the ring finger of her left hand).

* Twelve-Step Barbie: Pull the string on her back and she says, "Hi, I'm Barbie and I'm an alcoholic." Comes with a "One Day at a Time" bumper sticker, a 30-day chip and a pack of smokes.

* Birkenstock Barbie: Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and comfortable, if ugly, sandals. Made from recycled materials.

* Bite-The-Bullet Barbie: An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet, camera, detachable limbs, fake blood and the ability to perform surgery on herself in the Outback.

* Blue Collar Barbie: Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on union-organizing and pay scales for women as compared to men. Waitressing outfits and cashier's aprons may be purchased separately for Barbies who are holding down second jobs in order to make ends meet.

* Homegirl Barbie: Truly a fly Barbie in midriff-bearing shirt and baggy jeans. Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories and plenty of attitude. Pull cord and says things like "I don't think so," "Dang, get outta my face," and "You go, girl." Teaches girls not to take crap from men.

* Transgender Barbie: Formerly known as G.I. Joe.

* Robotic Barbie: Hey, kids, experiment with an autonomous two-legged walking machine! After falling over she says "Control theory is hard. Damn these spike heels anyway!"

* Dinner Roll Barbie: A Barbie with multiple love handles, double chin, a real curvy belly, and voluminous thighs to show girls that voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes with a miniature basket of dinner rolls, bucket o' fried chicken, tiny Entenmann's walnut ring, a brick of Dreyer's ice cream, three bags of potato chips, a T-shirt reading "Only the Weak Don't Eat" and, of course, an appetite.

---=---

(LA, California) Mattel announces their new line of Barbie products, the "Hacker Barbie." These new dolls will be released next month. The aim of these dolls is to revert the stereotype that women are numerophobic, computer-illiterate, and academically challenged.

This new line of Barbie dolls comes equipped with Barbie's very own xterminal and UNIX documentation as well as ORA's "In a Nutshell" series. The Barbie is robed in a dirty button-up shirt and a pair of worn-out jeans with Casio all-purpose watches and thick glasses that can set ants on fire. Pocket protectors and HP calculators optional. The new Barbie has the incredible ability to stare at the screen without blinking her eyes and to go without eating or drinking for 12 hours straight. Her vocabulary mainly consists of technical terms such as "IP address," "TCP/IP," "kernel," "NP-complete," and "Alpha AXP's."

"We are very excited about this product," said John Olson, Marketting Executive, "and we hope that the Hacker Barbie will offset the damage incurred by the mathophobic Barbie." A year ago, Mattel released Barbie dolls that say, "Math is hard," with condescending companions Ken. The Hacker Barbie's Ken is an incompetent consultant who frequently asks Barbie for help.

The leading feminists are equally excited about this new line of Barbie dolls. Naomi Wuuf says, "I believe that these new dolls will finally terminate the notion that women are inherently inferior when it comes to mathematics and the sciences. However, I feel that Ken's hierarchical superiority would simply reinforce the patriarchy and oppress the masses." Mattel made no comment.

Parents, however, are worried that they would become technologically behind by comparison to the children when the Hacker Barbie comes out. "My daughter Jenny plays with the prototype Hacker Barbie over yonder for two days," says Mrs. Mary Carlson of Oxford, Mississippi, "and as y'all know, she now pays my credit card bill. Ain't got no idea how she duz it, but she surely duz it. I jus don't wanna be looked upon as a dumb mama." Mattel will be offering free training courses for those who purchase the Hacker Barbie.

The future Hacker Barbie will include several variations to deal with the complex aspects of Barbie. "Hacker Barbie Goes to Jail" will teach computer ethics to youngsters, while "BARB1E R1TES L1KE BIFF!!!" will serve as an introduction to expository writing.

[RevChris77]

Little Susie and her brother, Johnny, had been spending time at the construction site next door where the workers were building a new house. One morning, when asked by her mom what she'd like for breakfast, little Susie responded "I'd like some of those gaddamn ham and eggs".

Whereupon her mother slapped little Susie so hard she bouced off the kitchen wall. Little Johnny, having seen this, was taken aback. When Mom asked him what he'd like for breakfast, Johnny's response was "I'm not sure, but you can bet your sweet ass I don't want any of those goddamn ham and eggs!".

=--=

Whats the difference between a hooker, a girlfriend and a wife?

* A hooker says "Faster...faster".
* A girlfriend says "Slower...slower".
* And a wife says "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige"

=--=

A little girl is sitting in a barber shop eating a Twinkie.

The barber says to the girl, "You're getting hair on your twinkie."

The little girl replies, "Yes, and I'm getting boobies too."

=--=

The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.

The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slow. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.

The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.

Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!"

=--=

A man joins a nudist colony,takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A 6-foot blonde walks by him; The man gets a hard-on. The blonde asks, "Sir, did you call for me?"

The new man replies, "No, i just got here."

"You must be new here, it's a rule when i give you a hard-on, it implies you called for me," she says. The blond then lays down and lets the man have his way with here.

The man gets up happy, enters the sauna, sits down, and farts. A huge man comes towards him, asking "Sir, did you call for me?"

The new man replies, "No, i just got here."

The huge man then responds, "It is a rule when you fart, it implies you called for me." The Huge Man turns him around and sodomizes him in a terrible way.

The new man rushes back to the receptionist and tells her "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500."

"But sir, you only saw 1% of our facilities...." says the receptionist.

The new man rudely interrupts her, saying "Listen lady, I am 50 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but i fart 15 times a day. No thanks."

=--=

One day Cowboy Bob and Thunder the wonder horse we riding along the prairie when they were suddenly attacked by Indians. They tried running and fighting but they were eventually captured and taken to the village. They tie Bob up and bring him before the Chief. The Chief says to Cowboy Bob "You've got one day to make peace with your god before we burn you at the stake."

Bob can see that he's in a whole heap of trouble but suddenly thinks of a way out. He says to the Chief "Before you kill me I'd like to say goodbye to Thunder the wonder horse, we've been through so much together that I think that he deserves it."

The Chief is touched by this and agrees. Thunder come close to Cowboy Bob and Cowboy Bob leans close to Thunders right ear and whispers into it. Thunder immediately turns and runs straight out of the village. The Chief is astonished but thinks nothing of it. Then Thunder comes racing back into the village with a gorgeous woman riding on him. The Chief is astounded but orders the woman tied up with Cowboy Bob.

Bob says to him "Chief, I don't think Thunder understood me the last time so I'd like to tell him again how much I'm going to miss him."The Chief can't see anything wrong with this and agrees. Again Thunder the wonder horse comes close to Cowboy Bob, but this time Cowboy Bob whispers into his left ear. Again Thunder immediately runs straight out of the village, and again he returns with a beautiful woman riding him. The Chief by this time is going out of his mind wondering what is going on.

Cowboy Bob says to the Chief "Thunder still isn't accepting what you're going to do to me. I'd like to help him understand again."

The Chief can't figure out what's going on but can't think of any objections and agrees. Thunder come close to Cowboy Bob again but this time Cowboy Bob doesn't whisper in his right ear and doesn't whisper in his left ear instead he grabs Thunder the wonder horse by the head, pull him close and screams "You idiot, I told you to go to town and bring me back a POSSE!

=--=

A man walks into a little pub in Ireland and he sits next to an older Irishman sitting at the bar. The Irishman introduces himself as O'Malley and begins talking to the man. "You see this bar lad, I built this bar with me own two hands. I cut the wood, I sanded it, I nailed it together. I stained it and waxed it and waxed it again. I used a pocket knife to make the pole that you rest your feet on perfectly round. But do they call me 'O'Malley the Bar Builder.' No lad, not a chance."

"You see that fence out there through the window lad, I built that fence with my own two hands. I carried each stone and placed it perfectly. The only thing that holds that fence together is gravity and hard work. But do they call me 'O'Malley the Fence Builder.' No lad, of course not."

"You see that pier out there lad, I built that pier with my own two hands. I chopped down the trees to myself to make that pier. I lost my only son to the sea while working on that pier. But do they call me 'O'Malley the Pier Builder' No lad, not a chance."

<O'Malley sighs, takes a sip of his drink and then says to the man>

"But you fuck one sheep....."

=--=

Three guys are out having a relaxing day fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish. Now one of the guys just doesn't believe it, and says, "Okay, if you can really grant wishes, then double my IQ."

The mermaid says, "Done." Suddenly the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight.

The second guy is so amazed, he says to the mermaid, "Triple my IQ." The mermaid says, "Done." The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists in various fields: physics, chemistry, etc.

The last guy is so enthralled with the changes that his friends that he says to the mermaid, "Quintuple my IQ." The mermaid looks at him and says, "You know, I don't usually try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish that you would reconsider."

The guy says, "No, I want you to increase my IQ times five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free."

"Please," says the mermaid, "You don't understand what you're asking, it will change your entire view on the universe. Won't you ask for something else....a million dollars, anything?" But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his IQ increased by five times its usual power.

So the mermaid sighed and said, "Done." And he turned the guy into a woman.

[RevChris77]

A young couple was making passionate love in the guy's van when suddenly the girl yelled, "Whip me. Whip me!" The guy, eager to please, obviously didn't have a whip, but, in a flash of inspiration, opened his window, snapped the radio antenna off his van, and they shared it until they both collapsed in a sadomasochistic ecstasy.

A week later, the girl noticed that the marks left by their lovemaking session were starting to fester, so she asked her doctor to check them out. The doctor took one look and asked, "Did you get these marks having sex?" Embarrassed, she admitted that she did.

The doctor nodded. "I thought so. In all my years of doctoring... this is the worst case of 'Van Aerial Disease' I've ever seen!"

[RevChris77]

Q. What is the best thing about dating a homeless woman?
A. You can drop her off anywhere.

Q. What should a woman say to a man she has just had sex with?
A. Whatever she wants. He's sleeping.

Q. What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
A. Outlaws are wanted.

Q. Where does virgin wool come from?
A. Ugly sheep.

Q. How do you spot the blind man at a nudist colony?
A. It isn't hard.

[RevChris77]

There's a joke I heard a while ago, and I can't remember all of the punchline.

It goes:

Imaging a whiteboard. On the whiteboard, draw a hill. On top of the hill, draw a house. Now draw three guys, one at the bottom of the hill, one on top of the hill, in the little house, and the third on the far side of the hill.

The question, then, is "What nationality are the three guys?" If it helps to figure it out, the house is a brothel.

I remember that the first guy, at the bottom of the hill, "He's a Russian." I also remember the third guy, on the far side of the hill, "Him Finnish". I can't remember what the guy in the brothel is described as, and my google skills are failing me.

Edit:

I finally remembered it. The middle guy? "Himalayan."

[Aeridus]

*groan*