a slightly better idea

[Vedius Pollio]

Instead of listing cliches, like on the other thread I started...

how about posting paragraphs from various stories on the internet (with links),

sort of like the sexy thread, only with the objective of finding atrocious prose.

from "Lesbian Seduction" http://nifty.guiltygroups.com/nifty/les ... -seduction

"Come on Julia, I can tell this is the best sex you've ever had. That you
feel more turned on right now than you ever have, right? And don't tell me
you're not dying to lick my shaved pussy. It's all wet just for you.
There's nothing like licking a beautiful pussy and making a woman cum while
your mouth is still over her clit. Cumming in your mouth. Ooohhhhhh it's
the very very best Julia. So, is it better than Terry, your husband to be
- who I predict will, every once in a while, have to sit and watch while
you get your real sex from a woman - he can jerk off while he watches what
real sex is like for a woman. So is it better?"

(* Can you imagine a woman saying this while making love to another woman in a clothing store changeroom? *)

from Honeymooners Lesbian Seduction
http://nifty.guiltygroups.com/nifty/les ... -seduction

"Welcome to my room girls. I'm just going to change and I'll be right
back" Karen said. With that, she went into her bedroom and left Kali and
me there. Kali and I talked a little and then Karen returned. She was
wearing a t-shirt that you could see right through -- I could see her
breasts and nipples pushing through her t-shirt and a pair of shorts that
showed off her beautiful legs. I was glad Roger wasn't there or he would
have been creaming his pants.

"So, would you like to make yourselves more comfortable, I mean , it's just
us girls." I wasn't sure what she was saying since all we had on were our
bikinis. Then she said "I guess you're both aware of how much attention you
were getting at the pool in those bikinis. If you don't mind me saying,
you both look incredible."

(*Neverending stream of porno cliches.*)

[Softandshy]

Ah, but those are not simply cliches, Vedius. All good lesbians are required to memorize those phrases and deliver them with the appropriate performance at least once per month. This is an obligation we agree to when we embrace our calling and take our official lesbian vows.

[Vedius Pollio]

I hope to god you're referring to the "just us girls" phrases in the second paragraph.

The first paragraph sounds like some bizarre stream-of-consciousness novel...

..."Crime... and RECRUITMENT"

the lost masterpiece of 19th century Russian literature.

Edit: yes, I'm aware that Dostoyevsky isn't really a stream-of-consciousness author, when compared to Tolstoy or Joyce. It's just that I couldn't think of a way to lamely parody any of T or J's works.

War and Pussy, maybe?

[WangyJohn]

War and Pussy, maybe?

Blerg, I am dead.

[Boring 7]

So The Homosexual Agenda (tm) involves conversion through hypnotizing someone with endlessly boring sex monologues?

[Error of Logic]

Umm, yeah. That first paragraph is inane. o_o Especially when supposed to be coming from a woman who has someone's teeth near her privates.
The second paragraph ... Meh. Not great, but not entirely atrocious, I suppose.

[Kittyboymuffin]

Yeah ... even I don't write that badly.

[Vedius Pollio]

from "Finnish Schoolgirls"
http://www.freegaysex.com/nifty/lesbian ... choolgirls

Isabella is a young woman from Finland. The history of
Finland dates back to a time when it was settled by people
speaking Sami (a Lappish language) About 1700 people still
speak this language. Sweden and Russia have subjugated the
land known now as Finland. It gained its independence as a
country after the Russian Revolution Russia. As late as 1992
Finland relinquished land and made payments to keep Finland
independent.

Today the legal language spoken is Finnish and Swedish.
That said, 93 % of the people speak Finno-Ugric. This young
woman Isabella learned to speak English and write English in
school, thank God or I could not write her story.

from "The President and Her First Lady"

In the late 1970s Judy knew where her sexuality naturally led. She also
knew she loved teaching. She feared that she would have problems from
school boards if she `came out'.

To the city where Judy was to do her teaching came Mary. She too know who
she was. She had far more reasons to fear homophobia because she was then
an army nurse. Mary knew that one of her colleagues, Paul Clarke, was also
gay.

The actual plan was that Mary would take Paul home with the aim of marrying
him and making them both safe. Mary had been a little worried that Paul's
risk taking might make him more easily exposed. She thought he ought to
find a nice young man and settle down.

It was hardly a secret that Barry, her hairdresser, was gay. Actually he
aspired to find someone to live with for ever and ever. Mary slightly knew
Barry.

Barry fell in love with Paul. Paul was not naturally monogamous but did
love being loved.


Judy went to Barry shop to have her hair styled. She carefully sounded him
out about his own sexuality. Appearances were not deceptive. Judy was
cautious. The new High School history teacher wanted to keep her job.


Barry introduced Judy to Mary. It was love at first sight.

(* And they became the Brady Bunch*)

from My Daughters Lesbian Seduction

We went into the living room and Carrie and I sat on the couch, Anna sat on
the floor in front of us and Karen put on some old Sade CD and we started
talking. We were catching up on old times and after we talked for just a
few minutes, Karen suggested drinks. She got us all some of that spiked
lemonade stuff and we talked.

(* Spiked lemonade!?!?!?!*)

Karen leaned into my and whispered so gently in my ear "Wendy -- I'm a
lesbian and I want to seduce you right now -- I'll make you feel so good
you won't believe it -- better than you've ever felt -- just keep talking
on the phone to your husband and I promise, I'll make you feel so good I'll
turn you into a lesbian". I couldn't believe what she'd just said and I
couldn't help myself but what she said went straight to my pussy. Her voice
was totally intoxicating and maybe she was tapping into a latent lesbian
desire in me that I'd never explored -- I don't know -- all I know is that
in that moment I made sure Tom was doing all the talking. Karen leaned
back and started stroking her pussy right in front of me.

"Ohhh Wendy.... This feels so good ... I think you are so beautiful and so
sexy ... " Karen whispered so softly. She leaned forward and started to
kiss my neck with her soft lips and tongue. It felt wonderful. I knew in
that moment that I would let Tom talk away on the phone and I would totally
surrender to this lesbian goddess who was making me feel more sexy than I
had ever felt. Karen seemed to pick up on this and every once in a while
her tongue would wander over to my mouth. I was doing everything I could
to hide what was happening from Tom. Then Karen reached under my skirt and
stroked my upper thighs. My pussy was starting to leak juice and I was in
lesbian heaven. This woman was seducing me while I was talking to my
husband!

Karen whispered "I bet this feels better than anything Tom has ever done,
right Wendy? Aren't you dying to have my soft lips suck your pussy slit
right now? Don't you want to cum with a lesbian sucking your pussy while
you talk to your husband -- thinking -- this is the best sex I've ever had
-- the very best. You'll be thinking - I'm talking to my husband and this
gorgeous lesbian is making me cum and making my pussy juice ooze out."
Karen was right -- my pussy was exploding with sex, and pussy juice was
leaking out everywhere.

Even more rambling than the last monologue. It's strange that Karen is described as being a gym instructor. You'd think she made a living as a phone sex operator...

[MistressMaggie]

wow... my pussy has never exploded with sex...

[Aeridus]

my pussy was exploding with sex, and pussy juice was
leaking out everywhere.

That sounds painful.

As for spiked lemonade, there is such a thing as Mike's Hard Lemonade...

[BriHahn]

I prefer Mike's Hard Lime, personally. It's tasty.

[Vedius Pollio]

from "Wyrd Dream"

http://www.literotica.com/stories/shows ... ?id=338687

Now, while I admit I am basically average, there are things about me that are most definitely not average. For example, the average males genitals are about 6" long when hard—I am that long when I am soft! Also, while perhaps, most men are either dominant or submissive I am a switch. For those of you who don't know that means I enjoy both the dominant and submissive roles in a relationship whether it is long-term, short-term or strictly sexual.

The dreams I'd been having lately were scaring me. I had these extremely violent dreams of being gangbanged by a number of men. Men who had no care for me, who just wanted to use my ass for a cunt and my mouth for a slut mouth to suck them off. I was the center of attention, but it was not the type of attention a straight male ever really cares for.

Honestly, I can't say what scared me most about the dreams. Was it the fact that in the dreams everything, although it starts out forced, appears as if I am willingly submitting to their attentions? Was it the fact that I was having such a dream at all? Or, perhaps, was it the fact that in the dream, and later when I woke up because of it, I was aroused by it?

from "Yum, Yum, Gimme Some!"
http://www.literotica.com/stories/shows ... ?id=272515

I was 18, and so was he, I didn't know what I was doing, I pretty much ran my mouth up and down on his cock, with little to no suction, and jerked him off with my hand. I know it sounds pretty boring. I would blow him a few more times before he was, "all about the girls", but I never got up the nerve to take his load.

However, this story brings us to when I was 21.

A few months back, I took my talents over to a younger cousin on the other side of the family who we'll call "J". He was 18, and I had seen him naked many times throughout our youth, I loved watching him grow into a man, and seeing that little penis of his mature into a fat cock. I mean a FAT cock, fatter than mine, and it also slightly curved to the right.

from a rape fantasy titled "Workout Girls"

Frank now stepped forward and began "Ok, the blonde on the end, what is your name?"

"Beth Henner," she replied.

"Beth, how old are you and are you married?" Frank asked.

"I am 22 and no, I am not married." She stuttered.

Frank continue the questions asking, "You a dike?

"No I am no dike, I am engaged."

"So you like cock, that's good. Do you swallow?

Beth blushing answered, "Normally, I don't."

Frank laughed, "Well by Monday morning, that will definitely change."

"Ok" he asked looking at the women. "Next lady, the one in the middle, what is your name?"

"My name is Terri Tanner, but everyone normally calls me 'Red,'" Terri chokingly said.

"Tell us Red, how old are you and are you married?" Frank asked again.

"I am 23 and no, I am not married," was the fast reply.

"Red is an interesting nickname. Is it that your carpet matches the drapes?" Franks said as a smirk crossed his face.

A puzzled Red said, "I don't understand the question."

Frank impatiently said, "Let me spelled it out. Does you cunt hair match you hair color on your head or you do get you color from a bottle?"

Terri responded quickly, "I am a natural red head so my carpet and drapes match."

Frank continued with questions "Red, what did you wear here?"

"I wore a top and pants," she replied.

"Now Terri, I need you to be more specific then that!"

Red responded, "I wore a button down blouse with jeans."

"That is better" Frank said

Anyone else want to post stuff?

[Softandshy]

i don't know that i've read anything bad enough to equal what you've presented. Actually, i think i may have read a line or two like this and promptly moved on, retaining only a subconscious memory of the pain.

Edited to add: i didn't honestly think it could get much worse than your first two quotes.

[Vedius Pollio]

More from the Karen story:

I wasn't ready for what happened next. Later that night, Carrie had gone
to bed. Karen and Anna said they had some movies I might like to watch. I
said sure. Karen got up and put a video in and we sat back, had some
drinks and watched. The movie started with a beautiful secretary in an
office walking into her boss's office and sitting at the desk. A really
beautiful girl about 15 years old came in and started to talk to her. The
secretary was dressed in a sweater and miniskirt and the girl was in a
t-shirt and shorts. The girl said, "you wanted to see me?" The secretary
didn't answer. She just got up, walked over to this girl and kissed her on
the mouth. The girl was obviously turned on and she was kissing her back.
The secretary started to take off the girl's t-shirt revealing these
gorgeous girl-breasts that the secretary clearly couldn't get enough of.
It was as if the 15 year old was in complete control. The secretary was
obviously beside herself with lesbian girl lust and looked to be out of
control. The girl then lowered the secretary's miniskirt and proceeded to
suck her shaved pussy to climax after climax. I was beside myself with
absolute lust. Karen at that moment got up and went upstairs. She was
gone for about 15 minutes. During that time the secretary had started to
suck on the girl's pussy which was totally smooth, and you could see the
pussy juice leaking from her pussy. I could barely stand the lesbian lust
I was feeling. I turned and said to Anna "where's Karen?"

Anna said, "Why don't you go upstairs and see?" I went upstairs and
couldn't find her. I looked in each room and then finally I looked in on
Carrie and got the shock of a lifetime. There was Carrie, naked, lying on
her back with Karen lying totally naked beside her kissing her mouth and
breasts and touching her totally smooth pussy. Carrie was in heaven. She
was breathing hard and whimpering. There was my little girl being totally
seduced by this 26 year old lesbian sex goddess. Carrie's pussy was all
puffy and she was writhing in absolute lesbian lust. Karen then leaned
down and started to lick Carrie's pussy slit. I could tell Karen had done
this before with young girls. I was disgusted but I also had never ever
been even close to this aroused and it was all this lesbian sex. She had
my daughter in such a lesbian trance and had me so addicted to lesbian sex
that I just stood there and let my pussy start creaming. As I watched
Carrie, I couldn't feel anything but absolute lesbian ecstasy as Carrie
started to cum. "Oh Karen, you're making my pussy feel like it's
exploding. Please keep licking and sucking -- ya, just like that -- how
can you make me feel so good? What are you doing to me? Please keep doing
it -- it's like my pussy is all electric and - aaaahhhhhh -- keep doing
that! I'm cummmmmiinnnnggg," Carrie moaned. I couldn't help it -- my
pussy started cumming and I couldn't stop as I watched my daughter become
addicted to lesbian sex. My pussy was oozing cum juice and I couldn't
stop. I was watching Karen have her way with my daughter and all I could
think of was when can I have a woman suck my pussy again.

Basically, we have a lesbian story with lesbian women performing lesbian sex acts on each other's lesbian pussies and using the word "lesbian" at every lesbian opportunity.

[Prettydragoon]

If you'll excuse me, I need to have a lesbian cup¹ of hot lesbian coffee while staring out the lesbian window, and try to get my lesbian brain back in lesbian gear for some productive lesbian work.

_____
¹ D-cup or bigger, of course.

[Vedius Pollio]

If you'll excuse me, I need to have a lesbian cup¹ of hot lesbian coffee while staring out the lesbian window, and try to get my lesbian brain back in lesbian gear for some productive lesbian work.

_____
¹ D-cup or bigger, of course.

Wow, prettydragon. I never realised that you could incorporate footnotes into forum posts!

[Vedius Pollio]

i don't know that i've read anything bad enough to equal what you've presented. Actually, i think i may have read a line or two like this and promptly moved on, retaining only a subconscious memory of the pain.

Edited to add: i didn't honestly think it could get much worse than your first two quotes.

It isn't that difficult to find stuff like this. Just go to Nifty or Literotica and look at stories until you find something utterly wooden or surreal.

Nifty has a bestiality section, by the way:

from "Sammy and Satan"

http://library.gaycafe.com/nifty/bestia ... nd-satan-1

Sammy is your average twelve year old on a camping trip in the mountains
with his family. He's 4'10" and weighs a hundred and ten pounds, has a
slender build, dirty blond hair, blue eyes and pierced ears. They are
hiking to their mountain cabin, when Sammy loses sight of his parents and
starts getting lost in the woods. As he keeps walking down a path, he
suddenly disappears. He finds himself in a dense forest, not knowing
which way to turn. He keeps on walking and walking until he's lost. He
starts to cry as fear of being lost sets in. He keeps walking, tears
streaming down his face.

As he walks over a hill, he comes upon a man sitting on a log. On each
side of him sits a bull mastiff, very big and very male. Sammy shakes in
total fear seeing the big animals. The man seeing this says, "Calm down,
they won't hurt you. They're just a couple of big babies." Sammy isn't so
sure they wouldn't tear him apart at any moment. The man calmly says,
"Come pet them and see for yourself." Sammy cautiously walks up and
starts to pet them. "Now, why were you crying, Son?" and Sammy tells him
how he got separated from his parents and lost his way and ended up here.
The man says he will help Sammy find his way back his parents' cabin, but
first he must take his dogs home.

So Sammy follows the man as if he is in a trance. They walk until Sammy
realizes he is in an underground cavern. Sammy does not know how he got
there. The man seeing this, is very amused at Sammy's distress. They walk
a little farther into some underground chamber. Sammy looks down still in
some sort of trance and finds himself totally naked not knowing how got
this way. He asks the man where he is and why is he naked. "I'm Satan and
this is my home."

"What do you want from me?" Sammy is starting to shake in real fear for
the first time since he met the man.

"What I want from you, Son, is a little pleasure for my pets and myself."
At that point Sammy finds himself on his hands and knees on the floor,
held there in place by some invisible straps. Try as hard as he can he
can't free himself from his bonds and this makes Satan laugh. Now the
dogs move to where Sammy is bound and they take their positions, one in
front of Sammy's head and the other at his ass. At Satan's command, they
start their sexual attack on Sammy's body. One dog is licking Sammy's
asshole while the other dog is sitting in front of Sammy's face with his
cock sticking straight up. With the help of Satan's magic, Sammy's mouth
automatically opens and his head is shoved down on the dog's ten inch
cock. Sammy starts to suck on it against his will. Meanwhile the other
dog is licking his asshole until Satan gives him the command to mount the
boy and slide his eleven inch cock into Sammy's ass until the knot is
outside the hole. He makes a fierce shove and the kno! t goes inside
making Sammy scream out in pain and again Satan laughs. The dogs are
fucking Sammy's body with such force it's causing him to rock back and
forth. Sammy is moaning all the while this is happening. The dogs are
pumping their evil cum in Sammy's mouth and ass until Satan gives them
the command to stop. They pull out of Sammy with their cum seeping out of
his mouth and ass.

Now it's Satan's turn with Sammy's sweet little body. This time Sammy
finds himself on his back on an altar with his legs spread wide apart and
his wrists tied over his head. Satan climbs on the altar and begins to
french kiss Sammy while pulling and twisting his quarter size nipples.
Then pushing his legs up to his chest, Satan starts pushing his fourteen
inch cock up Sammy's tight asshole. Satan's cock is as big around as
Sammy's wrist. Sammy screams out in pain as Satan shoves the first eight
inches in Sammy's ass. Then Satan shoves again and sinks the last six
inches of his cock in Sammy, making the boy's eyes roll back in his head.
Seeing this gives Satan great pleasure. As quickly as the pain comes it
leaves Sammy's body and all Sammy feels then is all pleasure. Sammy wraps
his legs around Satan's body and raises and lowers his body to meet
Satan's up and down movements. With all his might, Satan shoves his cock
to the hilt and shoots a huge hot load of cum in Samm! y's ass.

The next morning Sammy awakes to find out that he is at his parents'
cabin. He is thinking it was all a bad dream. Or was it? He feels some
liquid leaking out of his asshole and there are claw marks on his waist.
Now he's not so sure it was a dream after all.

Oddly enough, this story is actually pretty cool.

Edit: Satan's cock is fourteen inches. Now that should settle a few pub debates.

(You'd think it would be 6.66 inches and bent slightly to the left. So, average, but curiously sinister.)

[WangyJohn]

from "Finnish Schoolgirls"
http://www.freegaysex.com/nifty/lesbian ... choolgirls

Isabella is a young woman from Finland. The history of
Finland dates back to a time when it was settled by people
speaking Sami (a Lappish language) About 1700 people still
speak this language. Sweden and Russia have subjugated the
land known now as Finland. It gained its independence as a
country after the Russian Revolution Russia. As late as 1992
Finland relinquished land and made payments to keep Finland
independent.

Today the legal language spoken is Finnish and Swedish.
That said, 93 % of the people speak Finno-Ugric. This young
woman Isabella learned to speak English and write English in
school, thank God or I could not write her story.

[ManaUser]

Don't they know you should never go off on tangents, which are lines that intersect a curve at only one point and were discovered by Euclid, who lived in the sixth century, which was an era dominated by the Goths, who lived in what we now know as Poland...

P.S. I've been looking, but haven't found anything impressively bad yet.

[Vedius Pollio]

If you'll excuse me, I need to have a lesbian cup¹ of hot lesbian coffee while staring out the lesbian window, and try to get my lesbian brain back in lesbian gear for some productive lesbian work.

_____
¹ D-cup or bigger, of course.

This lesbian tendency to lesbianly affix the word "lesbian" unto numerous other lesbian words reminds me of Gertrude Stein's writing.

A rose is a rose is a rose is a rose.

HINTS FOR FINDING BAD WRITING:

1. A silly title almost always precedes a bad story. Also, an unimaginative title ("Lesbian Seduction") is also likely to precede a piece of terrible writing.

2. The Miscellaneous section in the Nifty archives is usually filled with awful writing, convoluted plots, and oddities that shouldn't ever have seen the light of day.

3. Literotica is easier to navigate because there are descriptions of each story at the beginning. If the description or title seem awful... ...go for it!!!