Laugh, damn you. -_-

[WangyJohn]

How many Call of Cthulu players do you need to change a light bulb?

All of them NEVER SPLIT THE TEAM

-----

Anne was the only young woman in a small countryside town, and had a reputation as being 'friendly' with the many single men in the town, in more ways than many of the older population hadn't even heard of.

One day, a young male doctor moved into the town, and Anne tried to pull the usual tricks on him, but he didn't seem interested. Finally after a few months cat and mouse play, they ended up married.

Wedding night came around, and the men of the town decided to spy on the couple a bit. One of them had climbed to a tree next to their window, and listened to the dialogue inside.

Finally, after a few hours, Anne declared "Ooh boy, tonight you'll get to do to me what no man has before"

The guy jumped town from the tree, and whisper/shouted to the others "Guys, she's gonna take it up the ear!"

-----

God had grown tired of the world, and decided to take drastic measures. He called George W. Bush, Vladimir Putin and Bill Gates up to heaven.

After the three had recovered from the shock, he said onto them "You three have one week to solve the problems of the world, or I will end the world". After this, the three decended back to earth.

The next day Bush summoned the cabinet and spoke.
"I have good news, and bad news. Good news is, as we hoped, god exists, the bad news is, is that the world will end in one week"

Putin also summoned the cabinet of Duma, and spoke to them.
"I have bad news and even worse news. Bad news is, that as we had feared, god exists, and even worse, the world will end in a week."

Bill Gates summoned the board of Mictosoft, and spoke to them.
"I have good news and great news. Good news is, that God thinks I'm one of the three most important people on earth, and even better, in one week we don't have to worry about complaints over Windows Vista!"

-----

An American, a Brit, a Japanese and a russian man were stranded on a desert island. With them, washed ashore a case of Vodka. Many days went by drinking, singing, telling jokes, general befriending. But soon, the bottles run out, and they all had massive hangover.

The russian was walking by the shore, clearing his head, occationally vomiting, when he stumbled upon a full bottle of Vodka. Gleefully, he ran to the rest of the group. As the opened the bottle, the contents turned into a genie.

"For freeing me, I shall grant all of you three wishes!" The genie proclaimed.

The japanese man stepped forward: "I want to be in Tokyo, have a brand new Toyota and a billion Yen!" And so happened.

The American walked up "I want to be in new York, have a brand new Lexus, and a Billion dollars!" And so happened.

The brit walked up and said "I want to be in London, have a brand new Jaguar and a million Pounds!"

The russian was left. he thought for a while. And finally said. "Moscow, what good is it? A lada, who wants that? A billion Ruble, what do you do with that? I want my friends back, no hangover, and a billion bottles of Vodka!"

[Fnyunj]

Written on the bathroom wall in the Green Room at our local theatre:

why we don't book hypnotists:

The last hypnotist act to play here was "The Amazing Nancy". She began her show by walking out on stage and informing the audience that she does not take volunteers up on stage. Instead, she will hypnotize the entire audience. She then proceeded to take out a very ornate, gold, jewel-encrusted pocketwatch on a chain, and then began to talk to the audience in a soft, rhythmic voice, telling them to watch the watch carefully, etc. After a short time, the audience began to fall under her spell, and drift into an hypnotic trance. Suddenly, though she had performed this act a thousand times before, something happened that had never before happened; the watch slipped from her fingers, fell to the stage, and shattered into a million pieces.

SHIT! she said.

It took three weeks to clean the theater.

[Aeridus]

Mentioned earllier in the thread I believe, interesting place to find it though.

[RevChris77]

And the Lord spoke to Noah & said: "In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water & all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark." And in a flash of lightning he delivered the specifications for the Ark. "OK," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

"Six months, and it starts to rain," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time."

And six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. "Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?" A lighting bolt crashed to the ground next to Noah.

"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my best. But there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So i had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the Spotted Owl. I had to convince U.S. Fish and Wildlife that I needed wood to save the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So no owls. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat and still no owls. Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.

Right now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I'm susposed to hire, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years," Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" Noah asked, hopefully.

"No," said the Lord sadly, "Government already has."

[Aeridus]

What did the nurse say when Lewis Carroll asked which hospital he was in?





Urinalysis Wonderland.

[RevChris77]

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours -- wondrous, delightful, satisfying, exquisite, passionate love. Afterwards, they're just lying there, each savoring the nearness of the other.

The telephone rings and, because it's the woman's house, she reaches over and picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hello? Oh, hi! So glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. Sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye-bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me what a wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

[RevChris77]

A wife woke of the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement. After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found her husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing. "Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much.

"Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant, and your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?"

"Yes, of course," she replied.

"Well, I would have been released tonight."

[RevChris77]

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period" reported Johnny.

"Well I can see that" the teacher said. "But what is so exciting about a period?"

"Damned if I know" said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself!"

==-===-==-===-==-===-==-===-==-===-==

A Norwegian applied for a job as a logger deep in the Canadian woods.

The foreman took him into the bush to test his knowledge of logging. He stopped the truck, pointed at a tree, and said, "See that tree over there? Tell me its species and how many board feet of lumber are in it."

The Norwegian immediately replied, "Dat dere's a sitka spruce, eh? And she got 383 board feet of lumber in 'er." The foreman was impressed. He drove a little farther, pointed at another tree, and asked the same question.

"Lord tunderin'. Dat's yer Doug fir. 690 board feet."

They drove a little farther, and the foreman asked again.

"Yeller cedar. 242 board feet."

The foreman was surprised; this Norwegian is correct and quick, not even using a calculator. So he drove back to the office a little offended because the Norwegian is better at his game than he was. As they neared the office, the foreman figured out how to get the best of the new guy.

He stopped the truck, handed the Norwegian a piece of chalk, and said, "See that tree over there? Mark an X on the front of it." The foreman thought, "How could he know which is the front of a tree?"

The Norwegian walked around the tree looking at the ground, then reached up, and marked an X on its trunk. "Dat's da front a' dat tree, fer sure."

The foreman laughed and asked sarcastically, "Now what makes you think that's the front of that tree?"

The Norwegian looked down at his feet, rubbed the toe of one boot on the grass, and replied, "Cuz somebody took a crap behind it, eh!"

He got the job and is now the foreman.

[RevChris77]

A husband and wife were on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack. "Help," she groaned to her husband.

He dialed 911 on his cellphone, talked a little, and then picked up his putter and started lining up his putt.

She raised her head off the grass and moaned, "I'm dying here and you're putting?"

He replied, "Don't worry, dear. The club located a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."

"Did they say how long it will take him?" she asked.

"Not too long," said her husband, practicing his putting stroke. "Everybody's agreed he can play through!"

[RevChris77]

Two Irishmen were digging a ditch directly across from a brothel.

Suddenly, they saw a rabbi walk up to the front door, glance around and duck inside. "Ah, will you look at that?" One ditch digger said. "What's our world comin' to when men of th' cloth are visitin' such places?"

A short time later, a Protestant minister walked up to the door and quietly slipped inside. "Do you believe that?" The workman exclaimed. "Why, 'tis no wonder th' young people today are so confused, what with the example clergymen set for them."

After an hour went by, the men watched as a Catholic priest quickly entered the whore house. "Ah, what a pity," the digger said, leaning on his shovel. "One of th' poor lasses must be ill."

[RevChris77]

I have no idea of the non-english parts of today's submissions are accurate (and it wouldn't surprise me if they weren't), but if anyone wants to suggest better wording for any of it, feel free.


An American goes to Japan on business, arriving late in the evening he is feeling really horny so he secures company for the night. As the prostitute and the American start going at it hot and heavy the woman starts screaming:

"Nagasa!!! Nagasa!!!"

And the American thinks he's really pleasing her.

The next day the American is out on the golf course with his Japanese client. The gentleman from Japan chips a shot into the cup from fifty yards out. This, thinks the American, is the perfect time to show my client that I know something of his culture, so he calls out:

"Nagasa!!! Nagasa!!!"

The Japanese turn to him, bewildered.

"What do you mean, 'wrong hole'?"

==-===-==-===-==-===-==-===-==-===-==-===-==-===-==

"Useful Phrases to Know When Traveling in Arab Countries":

AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOFTAN

Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.

FEKR-GABUL CARDAN DIVAT RAEH CUSH DIVAR

I'm delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.

SHOMAEH FIKR TAMOMEH GEH GOFTEK BANDE

I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life

AUTO ARRAREGH DVATEMAN MAMO SEPAHEH - HAST

It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.

FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAAYEH MOHEMA RAJEBEH KESHAVARHMAN

If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public

KHREL JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEII AMRKAHEY

I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies traveling as reporters.

BALLI, BALLI, BALLI

Whatever you say

MATERNIER CHERMEZ AHLIEH, GORBAN

The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.

TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM

The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have the recipe.

ETEHFORAN, DEHRATEE, OTAGEH SHOMA MIKRASTAM KHE DO HAFTAEH BA BODENEH SHEEREEL TEEGZ

Truly, I would rather be a hostage to your greatly esteemed self than to spend a fortnight upon the person of Cheryl Teigs.

[Unholy]

I have no idea of the non-english parts of today's submissions are accurate (and it wouldn't surprise me if they weren't), but if anyone wants to suggest better wording for any of it, feel free.

These were hilarious, keep it up RevChris!

[RevChris77]

John goes to the doctor and says "Doc I'm having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?"

After a complete examination the doctor tells John, "Well the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you except if you're willing to try an experimental treatment."

John asks sadly, "What is this treatment?"

"Well," the doctor explains, "what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."

John thinks about it silently then says, "Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it." A few weeks after the operation John was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being painful.

To release the pressure John unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll and then returned to his pants. His girl friend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"

John replied with his eyes watering, "Well, I guess so, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass."

[Aeridus]

That was nasty...

[RevChris77]

Two men standing at adjacent urinals, respectfully looking straight ahead at nothing in particular on the wall, were at it for a bit, when one says to the other, "You're Jewish, aren't you?"

"Why, yes," says the other, "Why do you ask?"

Ignoring the question, the first man continues, "And you're a member of Temple Sholom across town, aren't you?"

"Why, yes! How did you know that?" asked the other man.

"And your rabbi is Irving Goldfarb, isn't he?" continued the first man.

"This is incredible! How do you know these things?" asked the other man.

"Ah! I've know Rabbi Goldfarb for a long time. He doesn't have very good eyes, you know, so he cuts on a bias, and you're pissing on my foot!"

[RevChris77]

A Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin and, truth be told, he is none too experienced either.

On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.

He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darling," he says, "I know this is your first time and you're very frightened. I pomise you, I will give you anything you want, I'll do anything - just anything you want. What do you want?" he asks, trying to sound experienced.

He hopes this will impress his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually replies shyly and unsurely, "I want ... number 69."

Now he is caught up in thoughtful silence. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks, "You want ... beef with broccoli?"

[RevChris77]

HOW MEN & WOMEN REALLY THINK....

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine.

He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time.

A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: ... so that means it was ... let's see ... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means ... lemme check the odometer ... Whoa I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. Darn, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, those scumballs.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right in their ....

"Roger," Elaine says aloud.

"What?" says Roger, startled.

"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have . . Oh shoot, I feel so ..... " (She breaks down, sobbing.)

"What?" says Roger.

"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."

"There's no horse?" says Roger.

"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.

"No" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

"It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time," Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

"Yes," he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) 'Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.

"What way?" says Roger.

"That way about time," says Elaine.

"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

"Thank you, Roger," she says.

"Thank you," says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?'

[Swordsman3003]

Haha....you really are a reverend!!! Nothing but truth in that last post.

[Jrm]

i think that one's dave barry...

[RevChris77]

Bubba listened to the preacher at the revival and when the preacher asked those with needs to come forward for prayer, Bubba got in line.

When it was his turn, the preacher asked, "What do you want me to pray about?"

Bubba said, "Pray for my hearing, preacher."

The preacher put one hand over Bubba's ear and his other hand on top of Bubba's head and prayed a while. Then he removed his hands and asked, "Bubba, now how is your hearing?"

Bubba answered, "I don't know, preacher. It's next Wednesday at the Baton Rouge courthouse!"

==-==-===-==-==-===-==-==

What the Engineer says:
What it really means:

"A number of different approaches are being tried"
We're still grasping at straws

"We're working on a fresh approach to the problem"
We just hired three kids fresh out of college

"Close project coordination"
We know who to blame

"Major technological breakthrough"
It works OK, but looks very high-tech

"Customer satisfaction upon delivery is assured"
We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered

"Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive"
The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch

"Test results were extremely gratifying"
We are so surprised that the stupid thing works

"The entire concept will have to be abandoned"
The only person who understood the thing quit

"It is in process"
It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is hopeless

"We'll look at it"
Forget it! We have enough problems for now

"Please read and initial"
Let's spread the responsibility for the mistake

Give us the benefit of your thoughts"
We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done

"Give us your interpretation"
I can't wait to hear this!

"See me" or "Let's discuss"
Come into my office, I'm lonely

"All new!"
Parts not interchangeable with the previous design

"Rugged"
Too heavy to lift

"Lightweight"
Lighter than rugged

"Years of development"
One finally worked

"Energy saving"
Achieved when the power switch is off

"Low maintenance"
Impossible to fix if broken