Laugh, damn you. -_-

RevChris77 · Post by **RevChris77** » Fri Oct 19, 2007 7:26 am

A man walks into a building and gets into the elevator. He presses the >button for the fifth floor. At the second floor the most stunning woman he has ever seen gets into the elevator and leans seductively against the wall.

The man doesn't know where to look and starts to get very nervous. The woman begins to unbutton her blouse and throws it on the floor. She then takes off her bra and throws it on the floor. At this stage the guy is getting very nervous. Then she says: "Make a woman out of me".

He unbuttons his shirt, throws it on the floor and replies,

"Here, iron that."

RevChris77 · Post by **RevChris77** » Sat Oct 20, 2007 9:33 am

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the
famously erudite scientist and comic who once said: "I woke up one
morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact
duplicates."

His mind sees things differently than most of us do, to our amazement
and amusement. Here are some of his gems:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- They don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend. ...but she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever..... .so far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

WangyJohn · Post by **WangyJohn** » Sat Oct 20, 2007 9:45 am

Some of those are repeats.

Churba · Post by **Churba** » Sat Oct 20, 2007 4:22 pm

34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Well, yes, they would function, but Since your car is traveling at the speed of light, I think you have greater problems at hand than your bloody headlights!

Orwell · Post by **Orwell** » Sun Oct 21, 2007 4:01 am

RevChris77 wrote:His mind sees things differently than most of us do...

I'm probably alone in this, but I find the idea that 'his mind is special' is REALLY offensive.

Foolosophy · Post by **Foolosophy** » Sun Oct 21, 2007 5:00 am

orwell wrote:
RevChris77 wrote:His mind sees things differently than most of us do...
I'm probably alone in this, but I find the idea that 'his mind is special' is REALLY offensive.

plus these quotes don't really highlight much in the sense of "deviant thinking".

RevChris77 · Post by **RevChris77** » Sun Oct 21, 2007 8:25 am

Foolosophy wrote:
orwell wrote:
RevChris77 wrote:His mind sees things differently than most of us do...
I'm probably alone in this, but I find the idea that 'his mind is special' is REALLY offensive.
plus these quotes don't really highlight much in the sense of "deviant thinking".

Honestly, if I worried about whether the stuff I put into this thread made sense, or made sure it was correct, or that I found it to always be funny, I wouldn't post most of the stuff I put in here.

I merely rely on the fact that somebody reading it is going to get a chuckle out of it, or, even better, say "I don't get it," and then ask somebody to explain what I think is a really obvious gag.

And, on that note:

A team of scientists go to the African rain forest in search of Tarzan.

Eventually they find him and remain with him in his jungle habitat for some time in order to observe his lifestyle, do tests and ask him various questions. One afternoon, the only female scientist in the group, is alone with Tarzan walking through the forest. Curiosity gets the better of her and she asks, "How do you get on for...er, well....you know.....sex?"

"Oh," says Tarzan, "that's no problem! You see, I find a nice large tree with a hole in the trunk and so do it with that."

"So," says the female scientist undoing her blouse, "you've never been with a real woman?"

"No," says Tarzan.

"Well, just to further the cause of science, you understand, I'm willing to give you the chance," she says taking her skirt off.

"All right," says Tarzan eagerly. So she lies on the floor, on her back, completely naked. Tarzan eyes her up and then walks 20 feet away from her into the jungle. He turns around and runs up to her and kicks her powerfully in her groin. She screams in agony and rolls about on the floor, clutching her groin, for some time. Eventually she manages to say,

"You bastard! What did you do that for?"

"Well," says Tarzan, "I had to make sure there weren't any squirrels."

Aeridus · Post by **Aeridus** » Sun Oct 21, 2007 2:56 pm

"Squirrels? In MY vagina?"

Churba · Post by **Churba** » Sun Oct 21, 2007 10:37 pm

Well, Adidus, Its more likely than you think.

Lulujayne · Post by **Lulujayne** » Sun Oct 21, 2007 10:56 pm

Adidus, the ancient Greek Deity of well greased tentacles.

RevChris77 · Post by **RevChris77** » Mon Oct 22, 2007 6:01 am

* Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
* Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
* How do I set my laser printer on stun?
* How is it possible to have a civil war?
* If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
* If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
* If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
* If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
* If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
* If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
* If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
* Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
* Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
* Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?
* Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
* What happens when none of your bees wax?

Xero · Post by **Xero** » Mon Oct 22, 2007 12:08 pm

RevChris77 wrote: * Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?

that one is close to my heart, I've nearly run over my quota many a summer day

Kittyboymuffin · Post by **Kittyboymuffin** » Mon Oct 22, 2007 3:32 pm

RevChris77 wrote:* Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

This one is made of awesome and groan, partly because it took me a minute ...

Indigo Violent · Post by **Indigo Violent** » Mon Oct 22, 2007 9:32 pm

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

I have to say I don't get this one, no one's ever told me work was fun.

Xero · Post by **Xero** » Mon Oct 22, 2007 9:53 pm

Indigo Violent wrote:If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

I have to say I don't get this one, no one's ever told me work was fun.

ever tried to film people doing monty python skits

Churba · Post by **Churba** » Tue Oct 23, 2007 3:06 am

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

No, Seashells.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Well, I'd say it goes from Infant to Infant, but they do pay less taxes.

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

It already is, just pick it up and smack a motherfucker.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Apologies after you shoot them, and frequently break for tea.

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

What, haven't you ever been to an interactive show? The Players are the audience, what we need to worry about is when the reviews get published.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Braille Embroidery.

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

Everybody loves an underdog story.

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

How come you're working in a job you don't enjoy?

If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

You do, its just on top of the old one.

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

If you happen to be dining in one of those swanky resturants that only give you tiny little portions, yes.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Succeed at your objective, which was to fail.

Is a castrated pig disgruntled?

No, but he has had his nuts cut off.

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

They would be, if your arse was in space.

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?

Well, you have seasonal fruit, why don't you shoot them?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Originally, it wasn't. But in the year 1011, a writer named Byrhtferð ordered the Old English alphabet for numerological purposes, though there were still some letters missing, and others that have since been removed.

What happens when none of your bees wax?

You have hairy bees.

WangyJohn · Post by **WangyJohn** » Tue Oct 23, 2007 3:44 am

Churba wrote: Well, you have seasonal fruit, why don't you shoot them?

Who says we don't?

RevChris77 · Post by **RevChris77** » Tue Oct 23, 2007 5:22 am

One evening, a wife drew her husband's attention to the couple next door.

"See how devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"

"I'd love to," replied her husband, "but wouldn't he'd get mad?"

==-===-==-===-==-===-==-===-==-===-==-===-==

An Englishman, an American, and an Australian enter a pub and each one orders a pint of beer.

As the Englishman sits sipping his beer, a fly buzzes around his head and lands in his beer. The Englishman takes one look at the beer, and pushes away from him in disgust.

As the American sits sipping his beer, a second fly buzzes around his head and lands in his beer. The American fishes the fly out of the beer, flicks it on the ground, and continues to drink his beer.

As the Australian sits sipping his beer, a third fly buzzes around his head and lands in his beer. The Australian picks the fly out of his beer, holds it up a few inches above the brew and starts shouting "Spit it out, you bastard! Spit it out!"

==-===-==-===-==-===-==-===-==-===-==-===-==

Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him - "Howard. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the last."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality - "Howard. You're a veterinarian."

Unholy · Post by **Unholy** » Tue Oct 23, 2007 8:02 am

RevChris77 wrote: * If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

No, there would be a huge release of energy and you'd almost certainly die.

WangyJohn · Post by **WangyJohn** » Tue Oct 23, 2007 8:46 am

A man walk in to a restaurant in a Texan hotel on a business trip. He is lead to a table, and he decides to order a hamburger.

"Regular or Tex?" The waiter asks.

"What's the difference?" The man inquires.

"Well, the regular has a wimpy slab of second grade meat inside a dry bun, and texan is a two rare steaks inside a large bread.

The man order a Texan burger, and enjoys it, and decides to order some drinks. He asks for a beer and a whiskey.

"Regular or Texan?" the waiter asks.

"What's the difference?" The man asks curiously.

"A regular beer is at best weak and lukewarm from served in a pint, and regular whiskey is a few centiliters of something that tastes like whiskey. Texan beer is served ice cold in a glass bucket, and the whiskey is the strongest you've ever tried, and served in a pint."

The man orders the texan version, and gets utterly hammered. He wanders off for the toilet, but accidently stumbles into the hotels swimming pool. Scared, he shouts

"No-one flush the toilet!"