A Serious Question, Here...

[Sexy_fork]

I'm up past 3 in the morning with a horrible decision to make.

Well, not necessarily horrible.

I have to decide if I want to get married in four months.

I know that this is normally a joyous occasion and one that is actively planned and anticipated, but the circumstances are against me.

There's a bit of a back story here. I'm 18 years old, and my boyfriend is turning 20 in August. We've been together since August of 2004, and have been planning for more than a year to get married when I'm 19. We both come from religious families, and we wanted to wait for the benefit of our parents and our financial situation.

We're both full-time students, he's got one more year of school, I've got four. At the moment, we're both living at home and don't have a place to live next year. We were planning to rent an apartment with a good friend and split the rent.

His parents decided that they didn't approve of us moving in together, unwed as we are. They told him that if he moved in with me, they wouldn't help pay for his living expenses. Tuition would be covered, but not rent and food.

He asked them if it would be okay if we were married. They said yes. And so comes his solution.

There is no way we would be able to afford to pay the rent ourselves. He's never had a job, and with the time devoted to his program he doesn't have the time to take on a part-time job during the school year. I'm lucking in that my education is paid for, completely, and all I have to pay for now is rent.

He asked me today if I wanted to get married in August. Officially.

I want to say yes so badly. I've been looking forward to marrying him for over a year now, and for the wedding to come a year sooner than I thought is an amazing prospect. But right now, I'm barely more than a teenager (my 18th birthday was only in February), we have no money, no home, hell, he doesn't even have his driver's license. I'm worried what my family will think, my grandparents, aunt, uncles. I think I might be too young. But this is what I want. Can I even do it?

I can't tell my family. I can't tell anyone I know (well, I told our future roommate. In all fairness, it affects him pretty directly). I needed to get this off of my chest and to sort things out. I'm no less confused, but I need input.

I'm sorry about the long rant post. Emotion got the better of me. Let me grab the kleenex...

[Cryogenick]

I want to say yes so badly. I've been looking forward to marrying him for over a year now, and for the wedding to come a year sooner than I thought is an amazing prospect.

I would say that you answered yourself right there. If it feels that right, there is only one option, and that is to follow how you feel. I know it can be hard to deal with family, but they are not you, and they have no way of knowing what is truly the best thing for you (they may have helpful insight at times), but really, don't worry about what they may say or think, worry about what you want and need for yourself.

I can see why you would be worried about jumping into this at your age, but historically speaking, your late for getting married as it is. Things may seem scary and hard, but having someone you love there by your side tends to help people pull through any hardship they may encounter.

In short, you have my blessing. Best of luck, and just try to ignore the nay-sayers around you and listen to yourself.

-cryo

[DmentDStuff]

If you love your boy, do what your heart tells you. You've been together for three years, planning to marry for the last one. If you're worried about what anyone else has to say about it, you're worrying beyond the two people who's opinions really count... yours and his.

I can understand your concerns about being married so young. Been there, darlin'. All I can offer you is this advice, and it's valid no matter how old you are, or how long you've been together. Communicate. Be sure to talk to, and with one another honestly and with respect. Talk about the inconsequential things, but especially talk about the big, important scary things, no matter how much you don't want to. Keep no secrets, and don't go to bed angry if at all possibly. You are going to argue, it's inevitable, but keep it reasonable, and don't try to hurt on purpose. Remember, it's entirely likely that both of you feel strongly about a topic... just try to see the other's point of view, even if you don't agree with it. If you can communicate, everything else will sort itself out.

And congratulations. If you're happy, I'm happy... and really, between the two of us, you're the one that really counts in this matter.

[MistressMaggie]

I think I missed something here... why the rush? can you not continue living at home next year?

[Xnapalmxmorningx]

I'm with Maggie on this point, why the rush? Are there no dorm on campus for persons besides freshmen?
How do your parents feel about the two of you living together? Maybe they could loan you the money for rent until you and your boy could pay them back?
Personally, I've had trouble comprehending getting married at such a young age......but as long as you don't get pregnant right off the bat it seems like an ok solution.

[Sexy_fork]

lol the main problem is that we promised a place to a friend, so we can't back out of him. and neither of us could get back into on-campus residences next year (at my school, there's a shortage of residence spots for second years - both third- and fourth-years have their own buildings). we pretty much have nowhere else to live.

I came to realize last night, talking to a few of the forumites and by best friend, that this is what I want. we could do it, and we hopefully will.

we'd broached the subject of getting married this summer earlier in the year, when he almost got decline for a government grant for learning equipment (he's dyslexic, and the government gave him $10 000 for computer programs and equipment) so that he could get it next year.

we can afford the ceremony, for sure, because the church we're getting married in to doesn't charge for the wedding. *shrugs*

in a strange way, I feel guilty. my friends are getting married in july (I'm the maid of honor) and I don't want to detract from their marriage by having mine little more than a month later.

[TheCrush]

On the topic of 'detracting' from a friend's wedding: If they truly are your friend, truly love and care about you it will make them HAPPY that you're both aiming to hitch at the same time because it will be something you can both really share.

[Squidflakes]

I'll officially take the other side. Don't.

Wait. It will be worth it.

[Unholy]

Dont. You will regret it later. Wait.

[Warmachine]

As an eighteen year old, your perspectives and ambitions will change, especially after 4 years at college. As I doubt you're in college to learn to be a doting housewife, your ambitions may or may not clash with your boyfriend. For example, you may decide to work on construction projects in Africa whilst he wants to work in banking in New York and this can't work. Or you could set up in business together, which can work. I would be surprised if both of you have clear goals at your ages. It would be unwise to commit to a marriage so soon after enrolling in college. People have been known to completely change personality in college.

Just tell the parents you'll be in separate bedrooms. The days when young men and women living in the same house was a scandal are long gone.

[LeftTentacleGreen]

Go online and get yourself ordained as a minister from the Universal Life Church (I just did). Then just go through the motions for just you and your boyfriend. Exchange your vows and say your "I do's" and then later on, when you're ready to have the full ceremony, go through the proper motions.

But I'd wait for the full ceremony until you're both ready to graduate.

Anyone want to get married by an Atheistic Reverend?

[GHE]

When I got married I was 21 and just off active duty. My wife was 18 and JUST out of high school. We instantly went into the prospect of rent, bills, cars etc. It was hard as hell but it comes with making such decisions. It really puts a dent into that new life you will have together.
My advice would be to wait. If you are dependant on parents you really shouldn't make that kind of commitment yet. The pressure you will be under at school is enough without having to manage a household and all the trauma that brings. Go to school together. Be that cute couple on campus who studies hard and has big plans. You will get your chance to walk down the aisle and you will come out better prepared.

And for baby jesus' sake FINISH SCHOOL!

And to qualify that advice, this August will make 14 years of (almost) uninterupted (semi) bliss. We are still married but we are the exception these days, not the rule.

[MistressMaggie]

My suggestion is to wait at the very least until he is finished school and has his starter career. It will just make your first few months of marriage so much better to be that blissful newlywed couple planning their lives tomorrow rather than full of the stress that the post-school job search brings.

I'm 22, and I still don't feel like I'm old enough for marriage. My sister is 25, and engaged, and she's waiting until next year to get married so her fiance can finish his masters first. It sounds like good advice.

[Jackalope]

I'd say to wait simply because you're both still dependent on your parents for rent and food money. Until you can actually pay rent yourselves, it's not a good idea to get married. Your parents (on both sides) will have way too much say in your relationship, and you do NOT need that kind of tug-of-war while you're trying to figure out married life. Especially since you've never actually lived together before jumping into this.

My husband's parents were all for us living together at least six months BEFORE we got married just to be sure it wouldn't be a disaster. My father also thought that was a good idea. My mother kicked some, but by then, I'd lived away from home long enough that she really didn't have much say in things as I wasn't living off their money any more.

Trying to balance the stress of school, a new marriage, and the parents still having a lot of say in what you do because they're the ones paying sounds like a course for disaster to me. Any two of those are bad enough, but all three I think will probably kill your relationship.

[Aeridus]

I'm glad to hear you and your boyfriend care about each other that much, sexy_fork, but I do agree that it might be feasible for him to at least finish graduating first. You can always just get indefinitely engaged, and do the "stay in separate rooms" thing if that's really such an issue with the parents, at least until the boy has a steady job. Also, I'm not clear on what the living situation would be. Would you two be with someone else in an apartment or would it just be the two of you? I strongly recommend (for the time being) staying with two other people, and make the argument with the parents that everyone is sleeping in separate rooms (most of the time ) and at least there will be others keeping the two of you somewhat in check.

[Swordsman3003]

The average age for a first marriage in the United States is between 26 and 27 for a male and 25 and 26 for a female. You're a bit early.

More frightening, however, is the average age for first divorce. 30 for a male and 29 for a female.

This comes from the U.S. census bureau.

Now:

Are you fucking kidding me? In your original post, the only reason you specified for getting married this year was because you want money from family who thinks you're living in sin or some such horseshit.

Sure, you like this guy a lot. Love him probably. Sounds good. But your motivating factor in this marriage is not love. This is the logic as I find it:

1. We need money
2. We will get money if we give into the demands of his parents
3. Give into the demands of his parents

Not only are you setting a disturbing precendent here (a bad way to start a marriage), but if you're so unsure that you need Ghastly forumites to help you make up your mind [no offense guys] you need a slap in the face or a cold shower or something.

Listen to me: his family does not give a rat's ass about the TRUE meaning of marriage, as a legal contract, a statement of loyalty, a way of life, a state of being. They are either thinking "WHAT WILL THE NEIGHBORS THINK?" or, even worse, "WHAT WILL GOD think???"

If your boyfriend does not have the balls to stand up to his parents now, then you are in for one sorry marriage. Please, for the sake of your sanity, your relationship, and the meaning of marriage, don't give into this.

[Sexy_fork]

I definitely see where you're all coming from, and I do agree that getting married to appease his parents or get money or anything would be bad. but that's not really what we're doing.

I crunched the numbers and we can afford it. that's one big worry off of my mind, if we both get jobs (very likely, I've already got a job offer up there) we'd have enough money for rent, food, bills, etc. he'll just have to stop eating about a billion pounds of meat every day.

I was worried about the same things you guys are bringing up, and for good reason. I had a long talk with him about it, and took his parents and mine completely out of the context and asked him if this would really work, and why we're doing it. we know we can live together (I spent almost all of last year at his place rather than mine). we want to live together, as husband and wife. so we decided that we are going to get married in august.

there was a lot that went in to this decision in the end, and I do thank you all for the advice. don't just think of me as an irresponsible teenager (though I know that's what a lot of you will think). you weren't the only people I asked, and I've talked to a lot of people, as has he.

here's the bottom line: I want to marry him. I love him, and want to spend the rest of my life with him. we know what we're risking and accept the risks fully.

just, damnit, now I've got a wedding to plan. lol.

[LindaH]

having just got married I can tell you: a wedding is a LOT more expensive then you think! There are so many extra things that pop up that you didnt orgininally think of, everything from flowers, cake, the dress, rental for his suit, food etc

THe problem with your scenario is that you havent been living together, living with someone is a lot different then dating! I must confess I hadn´t lived with my Matt before our wedding (since we come from different parts of the world) and we argue a lot over all the little things (put the seat of the toilet! Put the empty hangers HERE! Dont hog the cover!!!!), so you better really love eachother! Because being married isnt just fun and joy (though there is a lot of that let me tell you!).

In the end my advice is, take a lot of time to think it over, dont just look at it as an economic thing! If he loves you he will understand if you want to wait!! Me and Matt havent been able to have cock/pussy sex yet as I am still healing from my sex change, but he understands and is willing to wait. And the same (maybe not THAT particular thing) applies to your man if he loves you.

Just never get married because it is convenient!! You should marry because you love this person with all your heart and you know you can make it work between the two of you.

Another factor is school, I would SERIOUSLY consider waiting until you finished school at least. I know that you love him and all, but you are 18, and you still have a lot of growing up to do to be honest. Heck we all do, well apart from squiddy and ghastly old decrepid men as they are

[Squidflakes]

We're not old, we're just experienced.

And HEEEEY! I'm not old!

[LindaH]

We're not old, we're just experienced.

And HEEEEY! I'm not old!

sure sure But some of us LIKE older men you know