Any good jokes?

[Error of Logic]

Here's a long one:

It's a lovely spring day and Daisy the cow is walking around the meadow, enjoying herself thoroughly. When she comes to the stream running adjacent, she spots a big, fat bullfrog on a lily-pad.
"Hello, little frog," she says, "how are you today?"
It's a bit difficult for her to understand the frog (different species, different language, that sort of thing), but she makes out from all the croaking: "Life great! Fat flies, warm sun, cool water. Inna pond, outta pond!"

Feeling even happier than before for the frog's good cheer, Daisy the cow walks on. Pretty soon, she spots an even fatter frog, sitting on a different lily-pad.
"Hello, little frog!" she calls out. "How about this weather, huh?"
She translates from the croaking and belching: "Weather am fantastic! Water is good, too. Bugs ... Inna pond, outta pond, I is happy!"

Daisy feels simply elated for all this communal happiness! Moving on, she sees a frog so big and fat, he's causing his lily-pad to partially sink into the stream!
"Hello, mister frog!" she calls. "How are you?"
"I is never better!" the frog calls back cheerfully. "I is eating these big bugs so I get fat; I is swimming in this fine water to gets cool; I is sitting in this fine, hot sun to get warm; I is inna pond, outta pond whenever I wants. All things is bright and beautiful! Yeah!"

Now Daisy is practically skipping with good feeling! And so it comes as a bit of a shock when she moves on and spots a tiny little frog, sitting on its pad all hunched up, quivering and looking sour.
"Hello, little frog!" she calls out.
The frog replies, very coherently: "Go away and leave me alone." It remains all hunched and trembling, eyes venomous.
"But whatever's the matter?" Daisy asks.
"Go away!" the little frog snaps again, its quivering growing more pronounced.
"But why are you so glum, little frog?" Daisy asks, solicitous. "Don't we have nice, warm weather? Isn't the water fresh and cool? Aren't the bugs delicious and fat? And aren't you just, um, 'inna pond, outta pond', like the other frogs?"
The little frog's quivering abruptly stops. It raises its head, looks Daisy straight in the eye and responds: "No. No, I'm not. Because my name is Pond!"

[Swordsman3003]

That one is just wrong...oh so wrong....

:czk:PILOT TO TOWER, PILOT TO TOWER, WE ARE 3,000 FEET IN THE AIR, 1000 MILES FROM SHORE AND RUNNING OUT OF FUEL OVER:czk:

:czk: TOWER TO PILOT, TOWER TO PILOT, REPEAT AFTER ME:czk:

-short pause-

:czk: YES? :czk:

:czk: OUR FATHER, WHO ART IF HEAVEN...

[Chaszmyr Mae'Val]

From a newspaper clipping I kept from The Guardian;

Sunday's New York Times printed this E-mail that purports to be "the actual conversation between a US Naval ship and Canadian authorities off Newfoundland";

Canadian Authorities: "Please divert your course 15o to the south to avoid a collision."

US ship's Captain: "Recommend you divert your course 15o to the north to avoid a collision."

CA: "Negative, you will have to divert your course 15o to the south to avoid a collision."

Captain: "This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert your course."

CA: "No, I say again, you divert your course."

Captain: "This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second-largest ship in the US Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand you change your course 15o to the north or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship."

CA: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."

...you can't make this stuff up

[Swordsman3003]

I've heard that one before. I buy it, but I can't say for sure if that is exactly true.

[Squidflakes]

Its an urban legend and wouldn't happen in real life. All ships at sea follow international maritime rules. One of these is, if you detect a ship on your reciprical course (head on) both vessels make a starboard course correction.

Still funny though

[HentaiCat]

I just heard this today, bit long

A single father

[Honor]

Its an urban legend and wouldn't happen in real life. All ships at sea follow international maritime rules. One of these is, if you detect a ship on your reciprical course (head on) both vessels make a starboard course correction.

Still funny though

Not to mention the fact that CVN72, the USS Abraham Lincoln is a Nimitz class nuclear aircraft carrier, the largest warships in the US Navy... And Lincoln is part of the US Pacific Fleet, and is based out of Everett Washington.

Besides... If a US Navy Carrier Task Force, loaded with the best radar, charts, and GPS known to mankind, and consisting of a Nimitz class, three destroyers (probably Arliegh Burkes, given the Cruiser compliment) and even one Aegis capable Ticonderoga can't tell when they're about to hit a lighthouse, in formation... We've got way bigger problems than Al Quaida.

But, I agree wholly... It's a great funny story.


~Honor (Little Miss "I love the Navy")

[Error of Logic]

In the dark ages, a woodsman was walking through, well, the woods. These were dark and dangerous times, so he was keeping alert and held his axe ready for more than cutting down trees ...
Suddenly, he heard a frail, thin old voice cry out: "Help ...! Oh, heeelp~!"
He peered around a tree, and saw a huge man in a clearing. The guy had a beard like a bramble-bush, muscles on top of his muscles, and was shaking a little old lady like a dog trying to break a rat's neck. Right by his feet lay a discarded sword.
The woodsman girded his loins, snuck up behind the big man -- and popped him in the head with the blunt end of his axe. The big man went down like a felled tree, releasing the old lady.
"Oh, thank you so much, young man," the old biddy breathed while crawling back to her feet.
"No sweat, granny," the woodsman replied, feeling very proud of himself. "You should be more careful out here, though."
"You're right, young man," the old woman said, abashed. She picked up the sword and removed the big man's wallet. "I'm really getting too old to rob people solo. How would you like to go into business with me?"

[Jackalope]

Besides... If a US Navy Carrier Task Force, loaded with the best radar, charts, and GPS known to mankind, and consisting of a Nimitz class, three destroyers (probably Arliegh Burkes, given the Cruiser compliment) and even one Aegis capable Ticonderoga can't tell when they're about to hit a lighthouse, in formation... We've got way bigger problems than Al Quaida.

Then again, the USS Enterprise (CVN 65) ran aground twice. Once in San Francisco Bay (snigger, at least it didn't happen during Fleet Week), and once on Bishop Rock near San Diego. The incident in SF Bay was especially embarrassing, since supertankers and container ships go in and out that same channel every day and don't run aground. They got to sit for 5 hours until the tide and a bunch of the big-ass tugs could float it free. D'oh!

(yes, I looked up the site, but I remember the running-aground-in-the-bay incident well since I was still in high school and still sailing in SF Bay a lot when it happened)

[Cuteswan]

Then again, the USS Enterprise (CVN 65) ran aground twice.

Q. What's the first thing the skipper says after running aground?

A. Gilligan!

[Major Maxillary]

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who
remained talked about their kids.


The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a
successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and
Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now
he\'s the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best
friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."



The second guy said, "That's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He
started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a
pilot . Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the
majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand
new jet for his birthday."


The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best
universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction
company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice
and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot
mansion."


The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from
the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?" One of the
three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of
our sons. ...What about your son?"


The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a
stripper at a nightclub. The three friends said: "What a shame...what a
disappointment."


The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.
And he's lucky, too. His birthday just passed and the other day he received
a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the
line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."





Three guys get shipwrecked on an island, and they're soon captured by the islands savages.(as every decent shipwreck worthy island has savages)

The three men are brought out into the village center, where the cheif tells them "you have choice! death, or snoo-snoo!"

The first guy says "hell yeah! give me snoo-snoo!" and the villagers butt-rape him.

The second guy says "well, it's better than death, I'll take snoo-snoo." and the villagers buttrape him.

The third guy says "I ain't gettn' buttraped! I'll take death!"

So the cheif says "okay, you get Death; by snoo-snoo!"

[Cuteswan]

Q. How many Jesuses does it take to change a lightbulb?

ARYAN JESUS: Heh, I am the light! Hah hah hah...!

DRUNK & BITTER JESUS: Oh, fuck the light! Growing up my Father just wouldn't shut up about how He created light before anyone knew what it was. Heck, when the Romans fuckin' nailed me up and I say one little thing about being in pain.... then he goes on for two days about how hard it was to create the first photons from scratch and how he had to make every single one by hand until he created matter that could do it for him. I'm so fuckin' sick of living in his shadow -- which, ironically, wouldn't be possible without light. I'd rather sit in the fuckin' dark. Give me another beer.

JIHAD JESUS: Fuckfuckfuckfuck'n fuckfuck fuckfuckfuckfuckerfuck! *BANG* *BANG* Fuckyfuckfuckerfuck! *BANG* ...

[Ghastly]

An oldie but one of my favorites.

A young hillbilly gets married and after the celebration he heads up to the honeymoon cabin with his young bride for a night of wedded bliss.

The next morning the groom's father finds his son sitting on his front porch whittlin'. He sets down beside him and starts whittlin' too and after a spell asks his son, "Boy, why ain't you up there with your young lady wife?"

He son turns to the father and says, "Pappy, I done gone left her. We wuz about to be conjagatin' them marrage vows when low and behold it turns out she was a virgin."

The father whittles for a bit then turns to his son and says, "Son, you done right. If'n she ain't good 'nuff fer her own family then she ain't good 'nuff fer'n ours."

[Indigo Violent]

A couple of my favourites. The first one's been altered slightly from the original version, because I'm of the opinion that if you're going to tell a dirty joke, you might as well make it really dirty and not pussyfoot (no pun intended) around the issue.

A husband and wife are shipwrecked on an island, and they take turns climbing up a really tall palm tree to watch for ship. One day, an extremely studly and attractive young man washes up on shore. "Great," says the wife, "now we can take shorter shifts climbing the tree."
The stranger volunteers to go first, and up he goes. The couple starts picking berries from a bush.
"Hey, quit ass-fucking down there!" yells the stranger from the top of the tree.
'We're not ass-fucking!" the couple yells back.
Next they patch up their driftwood shelter.
"Hey, I told you to quit ass-fucking down there!"
"And we told you, we're not ass-fucking!"
Then they go fishing.
"For the last time, quit ass-fucking!"
"For the last time, we are not ass-fucking!"
Then the stranger's shift ends, and the wife's begins. She reaches the top of the tree, looks down at her husband and the stranger, and says, "Holy shit, it really does look like ass-fucking from up here."


Jack walks into a bar in Louisiana. Behind the bar, in the place of pride, is the biggest beer he's ever seen in his life. It's packed in ice to keep it cold, it's big and frosty and tasty-looking. Jack takes a seat at the bar and asks the bartender, "What's the deal with the giant beer?"
"That," says the barkeep, "is the grand prize for whoever completes the three trials."
"What three trials?" says Jack.
"First: chug a gallon of pepper tequila without changing expression. Next, go out into the alligator-wrestling pit out back and pull out Big Jake's sore tooth. Finally, Miss Blanche, the hooker upstairs, has never had an orgasm in her life. Make her come, you win the beer."
"That's ridiculous," says Jack, "no one's ever going to win that. Get me a brewski."
A couple of hours later, Jack is utterly plastered. "Bring the tequila!" he bellows. He chugs it all down, no problem, completely straight-faced. The bartender and some of the regulars then steer him in the direction of the alligator pit and shut the door.
For a while they hear the most awful sounds imaginable - thrashing, splashing, roaring, screaming, all kinds of strange animal noises. Finally, Jack staggers back in, clothes all torn to bits, covered in mud and blood and swampwater. "Okay," he says, "now where's the bitch with the toothache?"

[Swordsman3003]

A couple of my favourites. The first one's been altered slightly from the original version, because I'm of the opinion that if you're going to tell a dirty joke, you might as well make it really dirty and not pussyfoot (no pun intended) around the issue.

A husband and wife are shipwrecked on an island, and they take turns climbing up a really tall palm tree to watch for ship. One day, an extremely studly and attractive young man washes up on shore. "Great," says the wife, "now we can take shorter shifts climbing the tree."
The stranger volunteers to go first, and up he goes. The couple starts picking berries from a bush.
"Hey, quit ass-fucking down there!" yells the stranger from the top of the tree.
'We're not ass-fucking!" the couple yells back.
Next they patch up their driftwood shelter.
"Hey, I told you to quit ass-fucking down there!"
"And we told you, we're not ass-fucking!"
Then they go fishing.
"For the last time, quit ass-fucking!"
"For the last time, we are not ass-fucking!"
Then the stranger's shift ends, and the wife's begins. She reaches the top of the tree, looks down at her husband and the stranger, and says, "Holy shit, it really does look like ass-fucking from up here."

I don't get it.

Ok, here's one of mine:

A salesman walks up to this guy in front of his store. He says "sir, would you like to buy a toothbrush for 10$?" "No way!" says the guy. "Well then, sire, would you like to buya brownie for 5 cents?" "Okay, sure!" says the guy.

He buy the brownie, but as soon as he takes one bite he spits it out. "This brownie tastes like shit!"

"Yes, sir, it is. Now would you like a toothbrush for 10$?"

(my grandma told me this one)

[E~Man]

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse asked the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.

Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car,rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

[Gengar003]

*groan* That's TERRIBLE.

In a good way.

[Nithos]

Two blonde girls were working for the city public
works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved
on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl
digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what
they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do
you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up
again?"

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, we're normally a three-person team, but today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."

[HentaiCat]

The moral of the story?

When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

*sigh* better start saving up for that BMW now

[Indigo Violent]

"Holy shit, it really does look like ass-fucking from up here."

I don't get it.

'Cause, um, the husband and the stranger really are ass-fucking...?