October 20: Ain't no bag o'cheezy crisps

[The JAM]

What? No comments from our heroes?

[Mikhail Dragoslav]

[Redirected to another post]

[UncleMonty]

Hmmm... I was sorta expecting that technician / pilot rat to be named "Monty", but I guess I can let my given name slip here. We're all friends here, right? (Looks side to side)

"Unless I'm in error, it seems my five minutes of fame began with the hero of the story sticking a handgun into my nose. It appeared to be an old Eichardt-Boss needler, from what I could see with my eyes crossed... A very well-designed and reliable piece of machinery, unfortunately."

[Jaydub]

But, where are the Cheezy Crisps?

Hey, Nip had to eat something while he was stuck in that crate....

[SolidusRaccoon]

But, where are the Cheezy Crisps?

Hey, Nip had to eat something while he was stuck in that crate....

Ain't that a kick in the crotch.

[UncleMonty]

Heh, if it was me writing the tale, that's the first thing I'd have my rat character say... His hands up, stepping slowly back, gives his attacker a stern look and asks "You didn't eat all of my Cheezy Crisps, did you?"

Joking with the fellow might distract him from shooting.

You know about those people who just don't like to throw away anything that still works, even if it's thoroughly obsolete? Sometimes people call 'em pack-rats. My avatar might have a little of that in his ancestry, as well as a touch of "Survivalist". Wherever he goes, he'll have as much "useful stuff" with him as his baggage allowance can bear.
And while he contracted to see that ship to the scrapyard, it really kind of irritates him that this perfectly functional machine, filled with fascinating devices to take apart and put back together again better than they were, is going to be trashed...

[Deckard Canine]

What? No comments from our heroes?

They've certainly had less to say than the last time they watched a movie together. I guess this one's better. Or else they think it's like Manos: The Hands of Fate, too bad even for decent snark.

[Mikhail Dragoslav]

NO move is as bad as Manos. None.[/list]

[Jwrebholz]

And there is no movie too bad for snark.

[Zorro]

Nothing like surrounding a new High Dollar war ship with hundreds of potential missiles while irritating the planets full of angry people that are probably feeling betrayed over the consequences of the end of a war.

Way to skip 20 years of peace and go directly to WWII.

[Wayfarer]

NO move is as bad as Manos. None.[/list]

As scary as this seems, I may someday have to see that now. Because I could think of a couple of movies that seemed like the-worst-possible-movies-ever-in-all-of-history.

One of them they showed to my middle school (5th-8th grade) on the last day before Christmas Break one year, and it was so bad that they had to turn it off because so many of the students were mocking it. Considering the age group in question, I don't know what kind of indication this response gives as to how bad it was. But I do know it still causes me to shudder to this day (9ish years later).

[MikeVanPelt]

NO move is as bad as Manos. None.

As scary as this seems, I may someday have to see that now. Because I could think of a couple of movies that seemed like the-worst-possible-movies-ever-in-all-of-history.

I've managed to avoid seeing "Manos", but it can't possibly hold a candle in unspeakable badness to the *REAL* worst ever.

Imagine a completely schlocky 50's skiffy alien invasion movie with a budget of $.98. OK, there are lots of those. "Plan 9" and "Robot Monster", for instance.

Imagine an "alien" invader that looks like a half-ton pile of carpet remnants, with (Literally! I'm not kidding!) tennis balls on the ends of Slinky springs for eyes. A "creature" that can be moved only slowly, so it can only catch and consume its many victims because they lie there on the ground, kick their heels, and scream while it slowly, oh so slowly, galumphs over them.

A space ship that looks like nothing more than a drainage pipe.

OK, you say, still not enough to distinguish it for putridity beyond the depths of mere common awfulness.

Now, imagine that during the shooting of this celluloid excretion, they somehow manage to lose the whole soundtrack. Gone, nothing but silence.

But with a budget of $.98, they can't afford to dub the voices back in, or hire Foley artists, or anything.

So, they have A GUY THAT NARRATED HIGH SCHOOL DRIVERS' ED MOVIES, so help me (its on imdb.com, look it up) narrate the whole thing in a deadly monotone voice-over. FOR THE WHOLE MOVIE.

"So John tells Mary that the monster just ate the entire cheerleading squad, and Mary says that's really awful..."

I'm speaking, of course, of the uniquely execrable "The Creeping Terror". Horror knows no bounds...

I'm amazed this botch ever was sent to the theaters in this form.

If there is anything worse, I do *not* want to see it.

If there is anything half as bad, I do *not* want to see it.

However, "The Star Wars Holiday Special" of 1979 --
Not a movie, as such, but very nearly as bad. Now that I think about it (not that I want to, it makes my brain hurt) I think "The Star Wars Holiday Special" may very well be worse, worse in objective terms, not counting the disappointment factor from the high expectations I had for "Star Wars" in 1979 against it.

(And the "Ewok" TV movies... The horror, oh, the horror. ([THAT'S how they made Khalid Shaikh Mohammed talk... I feel sick...)

One of them they showed to my middle school (5th-8th grade) on the last day before Christmas Break one year, and it was so bad that they had to turn it off because so many of the students were mocking it. Considering the age group in question, I don't know what kind of indication this response gives as to how bad it was. But I do know it still causes me to shudder to this day (9ish years later).

What movie was it?

[The JAM]

Try "High Strung" with Jim Carrey as "Death".

[BoKiana]

NO move is as bad as Manos. None.

Hey, at least that movie was slightly redeemed after it was MST3Ked :3

Gawd how I miss that show *weeps openly*

[Deckard Canine]

I've heard that not even MST3K could make Manos enjoyable, that it's "so bad it's bad." I don't have the courage to find out, but I may rent an MST3K collection on general principle.

[JakeWasHere]

I've heard that not even MST3K could make Manos enjoyable, that it's "so bad it's bad." I don't have the courage to find out, but I may rent an MST3K collection on general principle.

Believe me, it's a million times better WITH the MST treatment than it could ever have been without it.

A few quotes from the MST3K commentary, just to give you an idea:

On the film quality and camera work: "Every frame of this movie looks like someone's last known photograph."

"Oh, sure, they dissolve to the same scene."

"What's that?" "A symbol for their love?" "It's not framed very well, then."

(same shot held for about 30 seconds, nobody says anything) "........DO SOMETHING! My God!"

On the sound quality and music: "Sounds like they've got a humpback whale under the hood."

"Get that cat off the piano!"

On the massively inept all-girl fight scene: "I'm guessing that THIS is the whole reason this movie was made."

"This isn't exactly Lysistrata. I mean, I LIKE it, but it isn't Lysistrata."

[Wanderwolf]

It's even worse (Manos) when you realize how badly the cinematography stiffed Torgo. I mean, the poor man's walking around in foot appliances to simulate hooves, and they cut his feet out of every single shot!

Just in case you ever wondered why Torgo walked funny...

Yours truly,

The wolfish,

Wanderer

[Tuyu]

"...It appeared to be an old Eichardt-Boss needler, from what I could see with my eyes crossed..."

You sure about that? Seems kinda hard to call it a 'needler' if the barrel wouldn't fit inside your nostril.

[UncleMonty]

"...It appeared to be an old Eichardt-Boss needler, from what I could see with my eyes crossed..."

You sure about that? Seems kinda hard to call it a 'needler' if the barrel wouldn't fit inside your nostril.

Now you're just being malicious and unhoopy!
Okay, I'll say the "needle" is a 3mm hypersonic, copper-clad titanium projectile driven by a Delerium-2 power source. It is designed to tumble upon striking flesh, and the weapon requires a large-diameter, weighted barrel to reduce felt recoil... If that doesn't fly, I'll think up something else.

[Earl McClaw]

Technically (and around this lot, that's a quick way to be disagreed with), a "needler" - aka "needle gun" - has two possible meanings:

First, in classic SF definitions, a needler is any weapon that does "pinpoint" damage. (In the same vein, a "blaster" causes an explosion on contact.) It could be an energy weapon, slug thrower, or almost anything else that can try to punch holes.

In actual armaments, however, a "needle gun" was a gun that used a "needle" firing pin. It's an archaic reference, more appropriate to the end of the musket / percussion cap period.