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I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now. When chemists die, they barium. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it...

So after new xrays, and a quickly scheduled emergency CT scan, I'm going back into surgery on Monday because my right tibia now has new fractures since a month ago. Reasons why stumps both orthopedic docs. They're going to remove the screws, add a plate and new screws to stabilize the break, and pos...

A man sees a fine looking woman at a bar. He steps over to her an says, "Hey baby, let me suck on your nipples." She says, "Watch it buddy, I'll have my boyfriend kick your ass." He laughs and says, "Alright, why don't I just give you a big sloppy kiss then." She says, "Listen, if you say one more t...

Things you'd love to say at work, but probably shouldn't: 1. I see your point, but I still think you're full of crap. 2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 3. How about never? Is never good for you? 4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yoursel...

Employee: Sir, you called me? Boss: Yeah, Go to the restroom and masturbate. Employee (after few minutes):Done sir. Boss: Do it again. Employee: Done it again. Boss: Do it once more. Employee: Now I don't have much stamina for it sir. Boss: Very good. Here's the keys to my car. Drop my daughter at h...

I'm still in the same job, doing more or less the same stuff (as much as I can say that, when the same stuff changes depending on who broke waht last). In January I hit a bad patch of ice and went down hard enough to break my right fibula and disrupt the deltoid ligament in my right ankle. Three wee...

She was in the kitchen preparing boiled eggs for breakfast. He walks in and asks, "What's for breakfast?" She turns to him and anxiously says, "Quick! You've got to make love to me this very moment!" Thinking it's his lucky day, he stands her over the kitchen table and they have sex. When they finis...

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!" "I can't jump o...

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." She then told her husband what the druggist said to her. Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist, and deman...

I'm still here.

Relatively quiet, but still here.

Movie Test Try this test. Scroll down and do the quiz as it instructs and find our what movie is your favorite. It really works! This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most. Don't ask me how it works, it just does. Pick a number from 1 to 9. Multiply it by 3...

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a dr...

Father & Son Talk

I sat my son down, opened my laptop, and said, "Son, it's time we had a talk about pornography." He looked worried.

"What about?", he asked.

"How do I get past these filters without your mom knowing?", I asked.

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre musuem. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and the...

I was having hot sex with this chick when suddenly she heard the front door open. "Oh, no!" she cried. "That's my husband! Quick! Try the back door!" Thinking back, I probably should have run but, really, how often does that opportunity arise? ===================== An old lady dies and goes to heave...

A woman ask the pharmacist, "Do you sell extra large condoms?"

"Yes," he replied. "Do you want to buy some?"

"No," she responded, "but is okay if I wait here until some man does?"

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, say...

A little boy was standing on the sidewalk with his right hand in his pocket and a loaf of bread in his left hand. The preacher walked by and said, "Hi, Johnny. I see you have the 'staff of life' in your hand. What's in your other hand?"

"This loaf of bread!", replied little Johnny.

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals she isn't wearing any panties. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing an knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford a...